


Mr 7th Floor

by paladinquen (postmodern_robot)



Series: Mr 7th Floor Verse [1]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Audit Firm, Alternate Universe - Office, M/M, NedCan is endgame
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 04:37:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 60,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10586577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/postmodern_robot/pseuds/paladinquen
Summary: "For the past three years, since the first sight of him in a shared elevator took his breath away, Matthew Williams has eagerly anticipated and dreaded the appearance of Mr 7th floor."





	1. Chapter 1

For the past three years, since the first sight of him in a shared elevator took his breath away, Matthew Williams has eagerly anticipated and dreaded the appearance of Mr 7th floor. It was actually ridiculous that he still mentally thought of tall-and-handsome-bicycle-maniac as Mr 7th floor (and that he seemed to have assigned the man a secondary ridiculous nickname on top of the first), because he did know the man’s name - Daan De Boer, Partner, Mergers and Acquisitions Advisory Services. Matthew was not a stalker, he was not…except he learned Mr 7th floor’s name by searching the corporate directory for all the names on said 7th floor and looked at all of their staff pictures until he found who he was looking for… **  
**

Okay, Matthew was a stalker.

A pathetic stalker. In his defense, he didn’t do it on his own? It didn’t take much encouragement though.

Anyway, he didn’t do more than that and besides, Mr 7th floor wasn’t a Partner then.

After learning Mr 7th floor’s name, Matthew went back to work, just as he had the day before when he hadn’t known of Mr 7th floor’s existence. Or at least tried to, because after he knew the man’s name it was impossible to avoid him - Daan De Boer turned up in several news interviews, in the firm’s magazine, and he was also easy to spot at every firm event Matthew found himself at. Even if he wanted to forget him it was impossible, because the firm was a micro world of its own and there was no escaping the consultants in advisory services, even at an audit firm where they were supposed to be the minority. Matthew was an auditor, like most people in his firm in a giant category called ‘Assurance services’, but the thing was, the Advisory folks were just obnoxious - they were loud, they were proud, and they made sure everyone knew it. With the amount of noise they made, you’d think that they won every inter-firm competition, they touted themselves for bringing in the most profits, doubled as models in every brochure, and could spend hours talking about something that meant absolutely nothing at all. They could draw diagrams like their lives depended on it too but in Matthew’s opinion, these diagrams didn’t really mean much once you scratched the surface of how nice they looked. The worst part was, they were paid better than anyone in Assurance, worked less hours in total, and still spent every waking moment complaining about how hard their lives were. They also all sat on the 7th floor. 

Fucking 7th floor.

The thing was, his crush was perhaps acceptable three years ago when Matthew was just a green associate at PK&DE, one of the world’s largest professional services firms and having a laugh with his new friends - feeling appreciated and human for the first time in a long time because he was good at his job. But now, Matthew was supposed to be management, even if he was at the lowest rank of it. It still meant new responsibilities - (officially anyway, he had already been doing most of this as an Assistant Manager) he led teams, he maintained his relationships with clients well enough that that they preferred to give him new work over the competition (except Maplecorp, who had switched their auditors last year but his friend there assured him that it wasn’t personal), he encouraged young associates “don’t despair, it’s normal to feel overwhelmed but you can do this” and dear Lord now he was responsible for career coaching - people’s lives, whether they were promoted or not depended on how well he could defend them when performance review season came about. Sometimes Matthew was proud of himself, making manager in just three years was no mean feat, but oftentimes he was just fucking terrified and hoped it wasn’t obvious that he didn’t feel like he knew what he was doing. That at any moment now, Francis would walk in and say “There was a mistake, we like the other Matthew” (surely in a firm this size there were other Matthews). Most times he could lose the anxiety in the work, and the reliability he found in it.

Anyway, now Matthew was a manager. He wasn’t supposed to have goofy crushes on hot men who were Partners and who worked on the 7th floor. At least not in the way he obviously crushed on said hot man from the 7th floor.

Because everyone in his team knew about it.

Matthew heard Michelle bite down a laugh as a certain someone walked into the elevator right before the doors closed, and could feel the heat rush up his neck and burn his cheeks. Matthew looked over at her to distract himself, give himself something else to do than awkwardly pretend he couldn’t see the man who was standing right in front of him in that cramped elevator (who was a head taller than almost everyone else in there) and saw that Michelle, was thankfully not being too obvious about how she was holding back her laughter. Matthew clenched his jaw and frowned at the small screen above that showed the steady ascent to their respective floors.

‘Come on’ Matthew willed ‘Just make it to his floor already and get him out out OUT’

But with the morning rush the elevator stopped on almost every floor, leaving Matthew to stew in agony, until finally, FINALLY…he was aware of Daan De Boer shifting his shoulders, getting ready to walk out. Too soon, Matthew relaxed and looked down from his intense glaring at the screen, only to catch those green eyes regarding him curiously for a moment, before the other man nodded at him briefly and walked out. By the time they reached their own 12th floor, Michelle was shaking so hard that she burst out laughing the moment they stepped off the elevator.

“Ahahahah! Oh my God Matthew! Your moment! You had a moment!”

“Shhhhh! Shut up shut up shut up!”   

* * *

 

The problem with spending most of his life at his job from a young age, with colleagues of a similar age, was that Matthew’s colleagues became his friends. This wasn’t really an issue except that it was almost impossible to keep secrets from them. Secrets were not on Matthew’s mind one fated 3 in the goddamned morning during the height of stock-take audit season after he discovered that some idiot didn’t know how to file things properly. At 3 in the morning, surviving off nothing but maple syrup and Red Bull, Matthew became prone to saying things like “this guy, this guy makes me forget how to count…” or “he wore a light orange shirt today, who the hell looks good in light orange? He does! He looked delish and I just wanted to lick him!…” Sleep deprivation is a bit like being drunk, but still okay, because if he opened his mouth to talk about the numbers again he may have thrown himself out the window instead.

“Which guy?” Michelle and Ha dropped what they were doing and looked at Matthew greedily, desperately hoping for something different to sustain them through this painful season. And Matthew, in an equally desperate need to distract himself and not thinking that this would turn into a  problem, let them convince him to pull up the staff directory and click ‘7th floor’ to look at every single staff photograph until they found his mystery man.

“I hope his surname isn’t Zembiro or something, it’ll take us forever!” Michelle had wailed. Ha laughed with her while Matthew blushed, all smiles, enjoying their harmless game as he clicked on another name, and then the picture. Arthur, their manager, looked over from his cubicle on the opposite side of their section at the noise, but went back to his work. That was the good thing about Arthur, he stayed with you, even if he did micromanage a little. The three smiled sheepishly and ducked back down.

“It’s not Hunter David.” Matthew confirmed with a more careful whisper, closing the window and moving onto ‘Daan De Boer, Manager’ and not expecting any kind of success, except…

“Matthew? Matthew come back to us!” Ha waved her hand in front of Matthew’s blushing face and didn’t get a response. “Well, I guess we found him, let’s see.”

Files and numbers forgotten, Michelle and Ha leaned so close to the laptop screen that Matthew was worried they’d disappear through it, like some cliche horror story.

“Really?” Michelle scoffed, sounding disappointed.

“What?” Matthew felt oddly defensive about his taste here.

“I mean…he just looks…mean.” She finally answered, leaning back with a huff of disappointed. Ha was still looking.

“You don’t even know him.” Matthew lamely defended (and neither do you, a little sleepy voice told himself but he ignored it). “And it’s not fair to judge someone on appearance alone.”

“No, it’s just…come on Matthew, he has a scar on his face, he looks like a Bond villain, how does he even win clients? Does he scare them into signing contracts?”

“I know of him!” Ha yells, which is actually uncharacteristic for her. “He’s the guy who won the two-point-five-million bid from Honda Corp! He’s like…CEO Honda Kiku’s only friend.” She managed to spit out. Matthew feels his jaw drop and Michelle does the same. Two-point-five million on one bid? Assurance rarely pulled in those kinds of numbers with just one project, but the nature of their work was completely different.

“What on earth is going on here?!” Arthur is stomping over with a particularly stormy look on his face and Matthew gulps.

“Uh, sorry Arthur, we’re mostly done we just needed a break. The numbers were starting to…”

“Blur together.” Arthur finished for him. He shakes his head and runs a hand through messy hair before sharpening his gaze at Matthew’s laptop screen. “Why is there so much noise here over Daan?”

Silence. Matthew can feel burning embarrassment overwhelm him and Michelle opens and closes her mouth several times, trying to think of some lie or excuse for him. But they’re auditors, they’re not supposed to lie and they’re too inexperienced to do it well so Arthur finally chuckles.

“Really? Daan? That’s what you all like?”

Matthew is now aware of two shaking heads and a set of hands indicating him and he feels warmer, if that was possible. “Traitors.” He can’t help but mutter, but it’s 3.15am so who cares about discretion?

Arthur just looks at him, shocked and amused. “Have you even met him?”

“No! And I don’t need to! Really Arthur, sorry for disrupting everything it’s just, we needed a break, I saw someone in the elevator, we got curious, it’s…just can we all forget about this? Please?”

Arthur sighs and shrugs. “Office crushes help us get through the day I suppose.” There’s confusion in his tone. “Daan is…good at his job.” Arthur adds lamely, as if he can’t think of any other compliment to pay him but Matthew can detect a certain jealousy there. He’s somewhat grateful that Arthur is gamely trying to cover up whatever he personally thinks of the man so that his own Associates can have their distraction, but it doesn’t look like Arthur hates Daan the way he growls about Francis, their Partner. “Uh…he has a particular type of…mercenary fairness to him?”

“Arthur! Stop please it’s okay!” Matthew is ready to die of embarrassment now, waving his hands in front of his manager to get him to stop. “I really don’t need to know anything about him, I just…you know what? I’m awake again! Let’s finish these numbers and go home.”

Michelle doesn’t seem to hear him as she adds. “Tall, scarred, and brooding is not going to be just a Manager very long if he keeps pulling in numbers like that…”

He wasn’t. Daan De Boer’s rise to Partner turned out to be the fastest in the firm. Matthew somehow knew that whatever quality it was that Daan possessed that enabled him to do that, was at the root of Arthur’s personal hesitance to fully endorse the man. Still, it didn’t stop Arthur from transferring and joining Daan’s team two-years later when he finally left Francis’ and joined Advisory as an Associate Director. Daan promoted him soon after that, so there was some kind of grudging respect between the two at least.

However, since that fateful night, news of Matthew’s crush spread like wildfire amongst his own team (but thankfully not beyond that), because he finds emails from his colleagues linking to news articles that mention Daan De Boer. His phone gets sent messages with pictures of Daan from the firm’s sports day, looking particularly sweaty and good after the football match between Advisory and Tax. Michelle sends a picture of him cycling on the weekend with another laughing and blond gorgeous man (she puts a sad face emoji afterwards). Matthew can actually live with that but it goes too far when Francis, the PARTNER in charge of his own team, sends him pictures of Daan shopping at the grocery store, clearly taken without the other man’s knowledge, since apparently they live in the same neighborhood, or at drinks sessions with other Partners. It never stops - Matthew’s team has decided that Daan De Boer is their personal distraction from work, and apparently they find Matthew’s blushing too amusing so they’re stalking De Boer for him, even though Matthew constantly tells them not to…it’s creepy. But because it doesn’t happen often, the warnings are left alone for months before some other stressful excuse begins and before Matthew knows it, he’s deleting new pictures from his phone.

He saves one though. Francis has managed to take a rather lovely picture of Daan De Boer looking at a bouquet of tulips in the store with a soft, faraway look. Matthew doesn’t feel right having it but every time he tries to do the right thing, his thumb hovers over the ‘delete’ button and the look on De Boer’s face makes him pause for too long.

* * *

 

Arthur’s email has three exclamation points next to it in his inbox, so out of habit, Matthew opens it first. Since Arthur’s transfer to Advisory, Matthew had prayed that Arthur never got drunk in front of his new colleagues and reveal his crush on Daan fucking De Boer or the strange fixation that Francis’ team had on him thanks to Matthew.

The email is short and not particularly sweet or salty, which means that Arthur is in a rush -

 **From:** <Arthur Kirkland, DIRECTOR, ADV> <arthur.kirkland@pkde.ca>  
**To:** <Matthew Williams, MANAGER, ASSUR> <matthew.williams@pkde.ca>  
**Cc:** <Francis Bonnefoy, PARTNER, ASSUR> <francis.bonnefoy@pkde.ca>

 **Subject:** Project Oberon 2017 Proposal

**URGENT**

**‘Need your updated CV for this proposal NOW - meeting in an hour to discuss’**

“Project Oberon” - it is such a codename that Arthur would come up with. Proposals were given code names to protect potential client identities in case anyone carelessly spoke about work in public, and it was always fascinating to Matthew to see peoples’ naming preferences.

Right now though, Matthew looks at his watch and frowns, he hates last minute proposals and meetings but he’s lucky because he’s just finished the major audits and there’s a slight breathing space before it starts up again. It’s also curious and oddly exciting, Arthur has never invited him to a proposal meeting before, conflicting interests usually kept Advisory and Assurance working apart out of legal necessity and he’s not sure what’s going on with this but…if he can get some of his team members into this potential Advisory-led project, he can get his associates rare valuable experience in case they want the option to transfer departments later. Besides, he may not like how obnoxious the consultants are but it never hurts to have more friends in the firm. When Matthew finishes the necessary updates and sends it to Arthur, he notices another email from the man. ‘Congratulations on making manager. See you next week.’

Next week? Oh, the training course for new managers that was mandatory to attend.

Twenty minutes later after Matthew has sent his proposal CV over, along with some team members for consideration, Matthew is happily sipping his coffee as he checks his course registration details, noting who his classmates will be - training is easier when you know who you’ll be working with. Eduard from IT security services is going to be there, Yong Soo the new transfer from Korea who was joining the MNC team …it all looked quite pleasant actually until he read the name of one of the instructors for Day 3.

Matthew spit out hot coffee in horror at his computer screen even as he dropped the contents of the mug on his shirt and pants in horror. “Oh no…OH CRAP NO!” Matthew scrambles to save his computer from his coffee, turning it upside down and shaking the liquid out.

“Matthew?” Francis pops his head out of his office, wondering what has Matthew of all people, making such a commotion, his eyes widen.

“Ah, sorry boss, just had a little accident with the coffee, trying to save myself from a three-thousand dollar fine.” These crap laptops were not worth that much but that was IT policy for you.

Francis is an amiable Partner, known for being a genius but somewhat eccentric. The arguments between him and Arthur were stuff of legend because of that (well, and also because Arthur was his own brand of eccentric) - Matthew still remembers an audit file hurled so hard against the glass door that it had cracked (no one knew who threw the file) so it was a miracle they worked together for as long as they had. Still, Francis was fair to them, evidenced by still promoting Arthur after the file incident. Francis is full of energy and surprisingly patient and hands on when it comes to his team. He treats them to dinner after they finish every project (which is often Francis loves to cook and his wife Jeanne is such a wonderful lady that they love spending any time with her), gives honest heart-to-hearts when their morale gets too low, and he actually takes the time to get to know who they are as individuals - time that Partners don’t usually have. He has even spent weekends helping to tutor his more junior staff with their certification exams. However, Matthew has heard that once you become a manager, the kid gloves come off in a serious way. Matthew has just become a manager. Matthew is covered in coffee and may have ruined his computer that has EVERY piece of client work on it even though he’s backed up his files. It’s where he accesses the global databases and collaborative spaces, and files and…Shit.

“Take that thing down to IT before it actually becomes a mess.” Francis suggests. “And Arthur CCed me in on that email - get this sorted out quick because that proposal meeting is in a half hour and I need you there.”

Francis goes back into his room and Matthew bites back a groan.

* * *

 

IT says he’s lucky, it looks like no harm is done but they’ll keep it for a few hours anyway. The coffee has since cooled and Matthew feels sticky and disgusting. He does his best with the remaining five minutes he has in the bathroom to wash out the stain but now his shirt is wet. Shaking his head in hopelessness, Matthew calls Arthur from the privacy of the empty bathroom, hoping he can get a reprieve. No one else has a change of clothes that will fit and suddenly Matthew is irrationally upset at himself for actually being physically active and well, fit. But walking into his first meeting with those brash consultants while wet and bedraggled, and smelling of old coffee is a nightmare scenario to him. Matthew doesn’t care about what the consultants think about him and yet he does. He’s going there to represent his team, and represent Arthur’s trust in him…and he can’t even do that right.

Arthur doesn’t pick up, probably in discussion or who knows what. Matthew can’t just text him and not show up or leave without a word though, so he does what he’s always done, even with the tide of doubt in his head. He straightens his shoulders, takes a few deep breaths and prepares for battle.

The 7th floor is loud. That’s the first thing Matthew notices when he steps into their workspace. They’re yelling over cubicle walls at each other, laughing so loudly they can be heard from the other side of the floor, pacing or sitting on desks as they’re in discussion. Everything is flashier and some of these junior associates are wearing clothes that Matthew doesn’t feel like he can afford even now. He’s been to this floor before of course, twice before for quick errands and once to put a birthday present on Arthur’s desk in the wee hours of morning, but never in the state he’s in now. Entering the 7th floor also comes with a heightened sense of awareness. He’s always on the lookout for his Mr 7th floor, but thankfully has never run into him when he’s been here. It finally occurs to him for the first time since he’s received Arthur’s email that Arthur is on Daan’s team. Shit. He doesn’t know the worth of this proposal though, and chances are, unless it’s worth millions, Daan won’t be bothered with it and will be travelling or doing whatever it is that Partners do.

Matthew just shakes his head, takes a deep breath and goes to find the meeting room that was indicated in the email. He opens the door to find a flurry of voices - other consultants getting their computers set up, passing notes, drawing diagrams and timelines on the whiteboard. Arthur is deep in discussion with…of course.

Matthew wants to strangle them all, right here, right now, out of the embarrassment he feels. Arthur and Francis especially because there was no way they didn’t know, and granted, he should have known too but surely someone could have teased him to remind him? Actually, Arthur didn’t know that Matthew was covered in coffee and a sticky wet shirt, but Francis did. What had Matthew ever done to deserve this level of torture? The teasing had been exasperating before sure but always light hearted. This? This was too much.

Before too long, Daan De Boer’s gaze lazily moves over to him, then the man’s eyes widen and he does a double take. Matthew opens his mouth to explain but his Mr 7th floor beats him to it with a smirk and biting sarcasm.

“No one told me we changed the dress code and started allowing wet-shirt Wednesdays.”

As the younger team members burst out in laughter, Matthew feels his face heat up and his insides twisting. He also feels a cold fury at Mr fucking 7th floor and wishes he was never shallow enough to find the man attractive, but he still does because Mr 7th floor is and he has a deep and sexy voice to boot. He wishes his team let him forget about this stupid crush rather than encourage it, he wishes that it hadn’t escalated to the point where the man’s name and thought of meeting him would make him spill his own coffee…especially when he was going to meet the man that day anyway without even knowing it and find out that he was an asshole. Because yes, he may be covered in coffee and walking in here with pride but if Matthew saw someone like that walk into a room, he’d know that this person was having a crappy day and he’d go find a jacket or something.

Somehow the fury pushes Matthew forward with a hand extended, “Don’t get used to it, enjoy it while it lasts.” He bites out, before realizing what he’s saying, but hopefully he’s too angry for it to sound…wrong. Daan De Boer straightens himself, eyebrows raised in surprise as he shakes Matthew’s hand, even as the rest of the room bursts out into louder laughter and guffaws. Being in a room full of consultants is eerily reminiscent of spending any time with his brother Alfred, and somehow that calms Matthew down. He can handle these guys, he just has to mentally imagine that he’s dealing with a room full of Alfreds.

God help him.

Apparently acting like an ass to an asshole Partner is step one of getting by in Advisory because Daan De Boer just chuckles and nods. “Nice to meet you too Matthew. Just call me Daan.”

His brain is dangerously close to short-circuiting in its confusion over Matthew’s emotional state right now, so he tries to focus it. Had he even introduce himself? Daan doesn’t give him time to think about it though because he turns to the room. “Everyone, this is Matthew Williams from Assurance, he’s from Arthur’s old team and he’s the expert on Maplecorp. Arthur’s the lead for this proposal.” He gestures at Arthur and Arthur steps forward to whip some focus into this room - Matthew recognizes that expression and the set of Arthur’s chin when he’s in this mode.

“Right,” He says in his usual no-nonsense tone. “Maplecorp is expanding out into Europe, they plan to do it in a big way in a period of just one year. Why are we bidding? Because they dropped us as their auditors last year, so we finally can. Remember, we need to make ourselves distinct from the competition, and realistically speaking, there’s nothing that really separates us from them except,” He puts a firm hand on Matthew’s shoulder “We know them better than anyone else. They’re looking at buying over…”

Daan doesn’t stay long. Partners oversee several external and internal interests at once, but he also isn’t going home until they get a working draft to him that evening. This is in fact, the type of multi-million-dollar proposal that makes Daan De Boer feel uncharacteristically generous…according to his reputation anyway. The moment he leaves, the first of the team members to approach him is Jack, a jovial looking Manager from Daan’s team with a plaster over his nose and an odd resemblance to Arthur in the brows. He looks a little too happy but this thing about people brimming with barely suppressed and oddly hyper energy seems to be the norm here. “Hey there Matthew! I got my gym wear at my desk, I think we’re about the same size?” Matthew let out a breath of relief that he didn’t even know he was holding, a once over confirmed to Matthew that he should fit into whatever clothes Jack could offer. He follows him out to an odd corner and sees Daan’s room behind glass walls. The Partner is holding his cellphone to his ear, his back to the office, looking out his window, but somehow radiating tension in the way he’s standing. Since Daan can’t see him, Matthew risks a look, taking in as much as he can before turning to Jack. Daan’s desk is sparse, only the laptop is on it, but there’s a happy-looking bouquet of tulips on the corner of the desk, another on the shelf in front of the window, a few bronzed awards, a wooden ship on a back shelf with books and an antique-looking map framed up on the wall. There are photo frames that Matthew can’t quite make out but he’s a little surprised at how…warm that room actually looks. It’s the flowers that do that.

“Don’t worry about returning these today,” Jack smiles. “I’d hate to be stuck in wet clothes all day and we are going to have a loooong day.”

Matthew nods grimly. Proposals were intense and taxing in all the wrong ways - win none and all the people relying on you couldn’t work. But to actually win one…you had to go through hell and back and lay your soul on the table…at least that’s how it felt. A proposal was usually a week’s worth of work squished into a few days, and unpredictable - new ideas and concepts changed so quickly that the moment you thought you were done you had to start all over again. Hunting down the right talent to throw into the team makeup or get the right advice sometimes led to phone calls across the world, and you having to wait for these people to wake up. At the end of it all, the potential client could just reject you, and all your work wouldn’t come to anything…yet. Matthew just feels like he’s unfairly judgmental of the process because it taps on his more sensitive anxieties - giving someone else the power to judge him and his worth, to dismiss his sweat and blood to call it unworthy or expensive. It was like a dating auction gone wrong with a whole bunch of legal concerns thrown in but…

Matthew looks around on his way to the men’s room at the young and eager associates sitting at their laptops and making phone calls and realizes that this is how they earn their living. Arthur, Francis and countless of others had gone through this pain over and over again just so Matthew and others like him could work and grow. It was his turn to give back.

He returns from the bathroom dressed in a clean yellow rugby jersey with green accents, a wallaby and an Australian crest on green, where Jack was from, Matthew assumed - and shorts that run to his knees. It feels odd at first thanks to the firm’s usual strict dress code, but he tells himself he’s got extenuating circumstances and he’s not meeting any clients today - nope, just a room full of consultants.  

“Matthew, Daan wants a word.” Jack grins when Matthew returns his bag to him. “I’ll see you back in the project room.”

Matthew bites the inside of his cheek. Daan wants a word. He quickly messages Michelle that she’s welcome to his music collection if she never sees him again, before striding into Daan’s room with more courage than he feels. “You wanted a word with me?”

Daan is sitting in his chair now, leaned back slightly with those gorgeous long legs elegantly crossed. He’s not looking at Matthew yet, he’s distracted by something on his screen, a finger tapping his chin as he’s thinking of…something. Those green eyes flicker to him and his expression transforms to one that is more amicable. Matthew would believe it if he didn’t notice the stiffness still apparent in the man’s shoulders. “Matthew,” he smiles. “Have a seat.”

Stiff shoulders or no, death knell or no, Matthew has to fight the swoon over that smile. He sits and waits.

“I realize that what I said back there could be…misconstrued. I apologize if I made you feel uncomfortable.”

It took a second for Matthew to put what Daan was saying together. “Oh…” He trails off, not quite sure what ‘misconstrued’ means exactly in this context, it could mean a lot of things, but the asshole part of it wasn’t really, wait… ‘wet-shirt Wednesdays’, and what he himself had said after…oh, OH. “I was joking too! I mean…” It’s too late to take the words back because Daan is looking at him searchingly. “I mean I was pissed off but…I didn’t think that you were being forward or sleazy or anything like that. Please don’t worry about it.”

Daan’s expression hasn’t changed and Matthew feels like he’s being picked apart and assessed, which Partners tend to do, so this is an all too familiar anxiety for him.

“I pissed you off.” Daan eventually says, interested. “If you didn’t think I was being inappropriate, what else was it?”

Matthew can’t quite believe he has to explain it, but tries to wave the concern away anyway. Then he remembers his Teamwork training course from a year ago, ‘Don’t expect people to act as you would, put yourself into their shoes’. “I had a deceptively good morning,” Matthew tries to explain, “Which was quickly burned away by my own clumsiness and terror for my work laptop, which is still with IT at this moment. Then walking into a room to meet a lot of new people for the first time, representing Francis’ team, but covered in coffee and water and feeling sticky didn’t have me at my best, then you called me out on it, it was just…I was trying to make a joke rather than jump down your throat about my morning. I feel I would have responded differently, if I were in your shoes, and do what Jack eventually did. But I know that isn’t fair, we’re all different and I owe you an apology as well.”

Daan is looking at him again with that assessing look but nods. “I see. Well I can see how helping someone instead of joking with them may have gone down better for a first-time meeting. No apology needed. ”

Matthew is grateful that the issue seems mostly resolved. “I promise Daan I’m usually more…put together than this.” He doesn’t even realize he’s smiling with relief until he notices Daan is smiling back at him, more relaxed now that he’s not dealing with getting reported for sexual harassment.

“Don’t worry about it Matthew, we all have our off days.” Daan shrugs, eyes twinkling even if his smile is…it looks like he’s fighting to keep it from full-blown amusement. “And don’t worry about making a good impression here.” There silence for a beat before Daan quickly adds “Arthur’s known to be picky. I look forward to seeing what you all come up with tonight.”

That’s a dismissal if he’s ever heard one and Matthew doesn’t want to sit in there any longer than he absolutely has to. He smiles and leaves.

The moment he turns around though, he grimaces, grateful that the desks in this part of the floor are mostly empty. He hurries back to the project room and checks his messages.

 **Matthew:** If I die, you can have my music collection  
**Shell:**??  
**Shell:**???????  
**Shell:** OMG Francis just told me you’re with Arthur and you’re gonna be there all day!  
**Shell:** IS 7TH FLOOR THERE?! IS HE HOT?!  
**Shell:** Of course you find him hot, ARE YOU TALKING TO HIM?  
**Shell:** HAS HE SPLAYED YOU OUT ON HIS DESK NAKED AN-

Matthew rips his eyes from his phone and silences her notifications. He absolutely refuses to read anything she’s going to send him today.

The brainstorming session goes well, and before too long, Matthew finds that working in comfortable clothes lets him relax in a way he never could before. It allows him to build an easy camaraderie with the giggling and exuberant consultants of the 7th floor, who all seem to be eager to take a liking to him.

 

* * *

 

Michelle is positively buzzing at the news that Matthew has FINALLY met the infamous Mr 7th floor. She’s even more excited at the prospect that Matthew may even end up on a project with Daan and even if he doesn’t…he’ll be seeing Daan during his training.

“No I won’t.” Matthew confidently responds.

“Are you skipping this round of training?” Michelle looks confused.

“No, but there are 50 new managers and 5 instructors on day three. Class will be split up between them for that simulation and Daan is an Advisory Partner. He’ll take the Advisory managers. I’ll probably end up with Yekatarina or Timo.” He reasoned, naming the Assurance Partners who were also involved with the week-long training.

Michelle just gave him a searching look and a wink. “Well I think the universe has finally gotten tired of your pining. Twenty bucks. I bet you twenty bucks you’ll be assigned to Daan De Boer.”

Matthew laughed and shook her hand. Easiest twenty he’ll ever get.

* * *

 

Matthew owes Michelle twenty bucks. He is also going to die because manager training Advisory style involves a lot of talking and sitting too damn close around a small round table to the object of his (still, unfortunately) affection, and Matthew… this was funny when it was an unreachable crush but now Daan is a PARTNER and not just any partner but possibly the lead Partner on a project he is going to be working on anytime soon and oh God why the fuck are there only a handful of these Advisory people to distract him and why are they all so damn giddy all the time? He understands that they share a floor and they all already knew each other, making him the odd one out but do they all have to look like they’re in on a joke that he has no idea about?

Daan for his part is stiff and stern, which didn’t surprise Matthew at all. The last time he had seen Daan with any kind of light heart was the wet shirt incident. His sternness didn’t seem to have much of an effect on these new managers though. Training is good and all but…

Matthew summons his courage and stays back after everyone else has packed up for the day. Daan is wearing that fucking orange shirt - a shade so light that it is almost unnoticeable but it makes him look fresh.

“Daan, why am I here? I didn’t apply for a transfer to Advisory.” Because honestly, there are few reasons he is the only non-Advisory manager here.

Daan nods but didn’t stop what he’s doing - staring at his phone with a frown before pocketing it and looking at Matthew. “What do you think of it so far though?”

Matthew shrugs. “I prefer the stability of audit, I think my associates wouldn’t give me as much trouble as the stories I’m hearing today and you can afford to pay my department for my time if we really do win Project Oberon.”

That smirk graces Dawn’s face again. “Has Francis been complaining about how cheap I am again? He’s not the one who can talk.”

Matthew sighs. The firm encouraged cross-departmental projects and learning but had set up a cost structure where departments had to pay each other to use each other’s team members, it led to friction at times when people were tempted to other teams, but Matthew knew that the structure also created an incentive within the firm to share opportunities.

“No one complained.” Matthew lies. “I just like my own team, we’re a close bunch.”

“Francis does a good job of fostering a team community.” Daan acknowledges. “And he doesn’t fight to promote someone as quickly as he has you, usually, without a good reason. You have a lot of potential and we like potential and diversity in advisory, we’re always looking for the best. No pressure, but just consider it? You’ll have a better springboard for yourself here, more diversity of work, better recognition and pay…” He trailed off and looked away, somewhat distracted by something and Matthew had this strange feeling that Daan wasn’t as sure himself, if Matthew belonged in Advisory, as his words imply.

Matthew put on the most polite smile he can muster. “You haven’t even seen me work. Not really.”

“Proposals are work.” Daan responds almost immediately, but Matthew is still suspicious.

“Well, thanks…but I’m happy staying where I am right now. If I change my mind…”

“You know where to find me.” The tone is so sure and encouraging, eyes warm, matching the small smile fighting its way to stay that way. It is completely at odds with his demeanour just a moment earlier. Well, Daan isn’t wrong, Matthew does know where to find him.

Does he ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PK&DE is a spoof of the four current ‘Big4’ accounting/professional service firms: PwC, KPMG, Deloitte and Ernst & Young. These are known for providing armies of auditors (who mostly belong to a giant service called ‘Assurance’) who make sure that companies aren’t lying to the public, management consulting services (under a service called ‘Advisory’) who make money by advising companies on how they can work better and lose less money and Tax advisory services (under ‘Tax’) who help people navigate complex tax rules. There are other services but those are the main ones.
> 
>  
> 
> Real-life rankings/designations between the firms vary by firm and even then, by country. Vaguely, PK&DE’s simplified ranks are:
> 
> Associate (entry level)  
> Senior Associate  
> Assistant Manager  
> Manager (first level of management)  
> Associate Director  
> Director  
> Partner (junior)  
> Partner (profit-sharing)
> 
> Matthew is fast-tracked like whoa - him making manager in three years is so not the norm (people tend to spend at least two years at the AM level alone even if they perform well). 
> 
> Daan and Arthur are also fast-tracked promotion wise and Francis is older.
> 
> [Here is a picture of the Wallaby Rugby Jersey if you're curious.](http://68.media.tumblr.com/69140dc32f55802fd55a4d617d1a39ec/tumblr_inline_omuh227E7K1qagymb_500.jpg)
> 
> Crossposted to my Tumblr - [NedCanQuen](http://nedcanquen.tumblr.com/) \- come say hello! :D


	2. Chapter 2

They won the Maplecorp project. Matthew reads the email and feels relieved but more than that…disappointment, because as the former team lead on Maplecorp’s audit team, he can’t work on the project itself. It also leaves the opportunity open if the company decides to re-tender for their auditors again in four years’ time - by then the rollout of Daan and Arthur’s project would be complete, leaving no conflict of interest for Francis’ team to step back in, and Matthew by extension. Career wise it’s good, Matthew has actually gotten Ha a place on the team and recognition for his help. However, Matthew can’t help but feel stupid for being disappointed. The problem with this entire ordeal is that Arthur’s meddling (no, he wasn’t the type to intentionally meddle in something like Matthew’s heart, if it was Michelle though…) is that Daan is now Daan, not Mr 7th floor. He’s fair, he’s brilliant at what he does and unlike Arthur he allows his people to work independently. In fact, he hires people who can, but it doesn’t mean that he abandons them either. Daan’s type of leadership is a type of tough love, he’ll bail you out while you learn but he’s so brutally honest he can make you cry. Matthew’s not so sure how much he likes the reality of Daan versus whatever boyish fantasy he could indulge in with Mr 7th floor.

And yet, he doesn’t really know him. Daan is still not quite human, more like a man with a Partner mask. Maybe that’s why still having residual feelings for a Partner at Matthew’s lowly level felt complicated, and Matthew feels like this is more an affection of habit than anything else. There were all the rules as well, though dating a Partner wasn’t exactly against any written rule as long as people were professional about it, Matthew was keenly aware of how his relationships could be scrutinized. This was the added burden of being an auditor, having to be so free of potential conflicts and corruption in his work that the laws reached into his personal business - it defined the relationships he could have, especially if his significant other were attached to an organisation he had to audit, it defined the shares he bought (Matthew made it simple for himself and invested in none). Within the firm however, well…work was work, it was just the strong hammer of public opinion that could be stifling - an unfortunate result when a compliance-based culture and a highly people-based culture coincided. Of course people didn’t really keep to these rules all the time, he knew about the messy scandal at their rival firm, Heta & Lia, the Partner in their own firm who married an Associate who was barely a year in (the Associate resigned), he knew about the the long hours that made colleagues seek out arrangements of convenience with each other, the manager who fell in love with his married client…but these people weren’t Matthew, he just didn’t have it in him to risk such a thing and besides…this was his office crush! Nothing more than that. This was the concept he (and his team damnit) went to when they needed a break from the intensity of work. It could go back to that.

The thought made him feel better (liar) and he laughed to himself. Matthew had been coming up with excuses for his disappointment as if he actually had a chance with the man (he didn’t). So Matthew finished all his reports with an unexpected dose of motivation.

“So…spill, how was the 7th floor? You’ve been keeping it to yourself for a month but I think it’s about time you shared” Ha was not usually the type to ask, but she seemed to see past his exhaustion and was trying to distract him the age old way

Michelle walked up behind him. “It’s 6pm, time for Friday drinks. You coming?”

Matthew looked at the clock. Where had the day gone? “Yeah, but…not the company’s bar? If you guys want to know what I have to say about that floor, let’s have drinks at mine.”

There was nothing quite like a tradition of wine and cheese with friends to end a week. Wine helped loosen the tongue, put everyone at ease. Since the flat was Matthew’s, recently purchased thanks to his savings and promotion (which left him otherwise broke), Ha and Michelle could safely stay over as well.

“You know what we mostly want to know is, how is Mr 7th floor in real life?” Michelle prods as soon as she kicks off her heels and sinks down on his couch.

“How was reality? Is he really as scary as people talk him up to be?” Ha asks as she pours out the wine.

Matthew accepts a glass and isn’t quite sure how to answer. “It was just two meetings? Um…I know he has a reputation for being kind of terrifying but he’s not, not really. He’s not the most tactful person out there but he seems reasonable…”

The two women look at each other incredulously and then back at him.

“You sound like Arthur that night when he was trying to pay the man a compliment and didn’t quite manage to.” Michelle scoffs.

Matthew laughs and decides to settle cross-legged on the fuzzy, carpeted floor. It’s his own floor, he can even lie down on it later if he wants. “Now I know why. The guy is…he’s kind of a workaholic? In that respect, I can see why he and Arthur work well together. He lets people work pretty much on their own and Arthur kind of…well, he’s Arthur and works with you a lot so they balance each other out. Their team is-”

“MATTHEW!” They both yell and he has to laugh.

“Congratulations! He’s a workaholic, just like you! And Arthur. This firm is filled with workaholics! That wasn’t what I asked, do you still like him? Is there any chemistry?!” Michelle demands in exasperation. It’s worth it just to see the look on her face.

Matthew let out a single breath of laughter and shrugs. “Look I…I mean I was attracted to the guy, I am still, he’s…very attractive, but I never knew anything to confidently say that I liked him? And I don’t know if I can because…I’m so embarrassed.” He groans and buries his face in his hands. “Really, it’s not his fault I’m so flustered around him and I’m not really myself and I can’t think straight. It’s just that every time I had to speak to him I thought about how my entire team has stalked him for three years because of me! And I know things about him that I shouldn’t, like the fact that he’s a cycling enthusiast, his father is Dutch, he loves tulips, he lives near Francis, he spent some of his early years in Asia it’s like…I just feel embarrassed, like I want to forget all of that and just meet him neutrally and professionally but I can’t. I can’t exactly tell him the truth either. And he’s kind of…”

The two women lean forward, curious. “Kind of…?”

“He’s really Partner-y. I mean…there are Partners like Francis who have been doing it for a while so they’re comfortable in their own skin and maybe it’s because Daan is a really young Partner but…he’s still trying to prove something? As a boss, a Partner, it’s a good experience to work with him, you learn a lot by necessity. As a uh…on a personal level? You see hints of the guy he is but mostly you’re speaking to a guy who is really invested in being a Partner. That’s probably why it’s easier to talk about him in work terms rather than anything…personal.”

“Ah.” The two women nod at each other and at him. Matthew hopes that whatever he’s said is enough for them, and now that he’s met the man, maybe this embarrassing saga can be put behind him.

 

* * *

 

Months pass and Matthew falls back into his old routine with a few changes and he’s barely had a chance to sit at his desk during office hours, since he divides his time between several clients - managing teams, correcting audit reports, coaching new associates and conducting meetings. He almost manages to convince himself that he’s forgotten about meeting Daan beyond just sharing an elevator occasionally, because Daan is often away - either in Europe for Maplecorp, which has also dragged Arthur away as well - or Daan is in Japan where he’s won more long-term projects with Honda Corp and a plethora of others in the region. Jack and the other advisory folks take to asking him to join them for lunch when they’re in the office themselves, and he gets to know them as more than the stereotypes of their floor.

But nothing beats being able to enjoy a fun lunch with Michelle and Ha. They joined the firm together, went through the same induction ceremony and now they’re the last three from their group to have stayed with the firm. They were all busy with their own projects though, Ha was working on the Maplecorp project locally, and technically Matthew managed Michelle on another audit project but she was a more-than-competent team leader whom he could leave to work independently, leaving him time for everything else that more urgently needed his attention. Still, days where all three of them could actually see each other (and not during after-office drinks) were to be treasured.

“I want to go to the pho place! It’s the real deal!” Ha practically skips in happiness down the street to the place in question. “Real Vietnamese herbs and everything! Stuff that I don’t usually get here.”

Matthew nods, curious about what that new taste profile would be like. “Is it a new place?”

Ha opens the door to the Vietnamese restaurant and Matthew stops, causing Michelle to walk into him. He quickly apologizes and looks to the waiter in front of them, perhaps a little too intently because the man just stares back at him as if he’s scared.

Daan apparently, is back from his many travels and luck is not on Matthew’s side because the Partner has realized he’s in the restaurant and is looking at him. It would be rude not to look back or talk or…damnit. The waiter is leading them to the empty table next to Daan’s anyway. Well, Daan and a pretty lady who had slightly darker hair and the same green-colored eyes. Matthew recognized her from reading the business sections in the newspaper - Belle deBoer, a Director from their rivals Heta & Lia. He had paid attention before because of her surname, the familiar shade of her eyes and the fact that she was from the Acquisitions team in her firm as well, too similar to the deBoer that he knew. Now that he could see the two of them together though…

“Matthew.” Daan smiles at him in greeting, that familiar small thing with no teeth but somehow still genuine, while Belle beams at him. Matthew almost stops short because now that he is closer he can see that Daan doesn’t look well. He can’t say that the man looks like a wreck because he’s still well put together, but those black circles under his eyes and the fatigue in his body are harder to hide.

“Hi, nice running into you here,” Matthew greets, then not wanting to be rude, he turns to the woman whom he assumed was Daan’s sister. “Hello, I’m Matthew. These are my teammates, Michelle and Ha.”

She shakes their hands with a cat-like smile and a laugh. “And I am Belle, such a pleasure to meet you all. You must be resilient souls if my brother is your boss.”

“It’s been a while.” Daan nods at them, then turns to his sister, “And they report to Francis, you remember Francis?”

“Of course! I once reported to him too, I worked at PKDE for a short while, it must have been just before you three joined. It feels like ages ago, that practically makes us teammates too! Do tell him I say ‘Hello.’”

“Oh that’s…great, I certainly will.” It was fascinating, and now those pictures that Francis sends him have a more mysterious meaning but Matthew detects a story that would take too long to tell. “And Daan, when did you get back?” Michelle and Ha seem to take that as their cue to politely smile their farewells and sit down, finally freeing the waiter who was waiting for them to do so and give them menus.

“This morning.”

Matthew raises an eyebrow. “They couldn’t spare you for one day? Are you on Japanese time right now or Dutch?”

“Thank you!” Belle exclaims before turning back to Daan. “See? It’s not just me.”

Daan gives her a dry look of exaggerated suffering before shaking his head and looking back to Matthew in mock outrage. “My sister finally gets that promotion to Partner that she deserves after working too long under an asshole,” She looks like she’s about to object when Daan raises an eyebrow at her and continues, “Yes, an asshole, and I’ll shout it from the rooftops, Antonio knows exactly what I think about him… and I can’t take her out to lunch to congratulate her. Would you do this to your siblings Matthew?”

Matthew’s heart thumps as he laughs. His chest blossoms with a sweet warmth that is different, more intense than how he used to lose control over it before. “My brother and I…” He couldn’t really summarize the relationship he had with Alfred into one sentence, as much as he did love his brother. “I don’t quite know how to describe it. We abuse each other differently, but you know…with love.”

The two deBoers chuckle at that and Matthew thinks about the ‘asshole’ who was Belle’s boss. Matthew figures that Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, once the Managing Partner at Heta & Lia was legendary in his day, until he was caught with an associate, whom Fernandez had apparently tied up naked to his desk with a few ties one late night. The whole scandal was horrifying and bizarre and somehow Heta & Lia had managed to survive it. They were convinced for a while that the firm would fold.

Belle waves her hand. “Well I can’t agree with how it happened, but do let me defend Antonio in one thing and one thing only - they’re actually in love.”

Daan rolls his eyes and scoffs.

“I’m serious! Look, I was concerned, I thought maybe Antonio may be abusing the power in his position but…I know his lover too, and I know he was a consenting adult. They are so much happier now, since they resigned. Antonio moved in with L-” She coughs, stopping herself from revealing the associate’s name, which was mercifully kept confidential so as to not destroy that person’s future. Antonio Fernandez Carriedo had been adamant about that. “With his lover. It is real. You wouldn’t recognize him now Daan, Antonio is now a completely different person! A better person. He doesn’t even care about money or firms anymore, he plays his guitar and cooks all the time. You may even get along with him now.”

“Don’t fucking count on it.”

This seemed to be a conversation that Matthew didn’t really belong to so he excused himself and sat down. The two siblings turned back to each other and Belle started speaking in French - a more European sort of French but Matthew could understand it all the same and almost dropped his menu.

“They’re so darling, and he’s very cute. You owe me one for not making you look bad in front of them, no you did that on your own.” She laughs. “Then you make it sound like you came back for me when I know you’re not going to pay for my lunch!”

“Fact remains,” Daan responds in French with the same accent as his sister’s, “I did come back to see you, even if I know you are perfectly capable of paying for your own lunch. If it wasn’t today, I don’t know when I’d be able to see you, with you flying to Kinshasa tonight. And yes Belle, let us very discreetly communicate in French, the second official language of Canada, next to a table filled with people who work with Francis, whom you know specifically hires bilingual staff.”

Matthew swears that Daan is glancing at him when he says that so he desperately tries to play it cool and breathe, focused on the menu but not seeing anything.

Belle just laughs and Matthew can’t see her, but he hears her switching to a language he can’t understand and Daan responding in the same language. It’s…nice, very nice to hear them speak what Matthew assumes is Dutch, though to his untrained ears it still sounds like they’re speaking the language somewhat differently from each other. Odd, where when they spoke French they sounded the same.  Matthew had forgotten just how much he liked Daan’s voice, even though at the moment he looked like he was annoyed and exasperated while his sister appeared to be having the time of her life. Matthew guessed there was continued teasing going on.

“What will your order be?”

Matthew jumped in his seat. “Oh, uh, um…pho.”

The waiter just looks at him while Michelle tries not to laugh. “What kind of pho?” The waiter asks eventually.

Ha saves him by responding in Vietnamese, apparently ordering for him. Matthew trusted her but still, this was going to be a long lunch.


	3. Chapter 3

Two years pass. Matthew has never felt more exhausted, and he wasn’t exactly sprightly two years ago either. After the victory with the Maplecorp proposal, Matthew couldn’t get a break - he had his usual projects to manage and team members to coach. Himaruya & Hidekatz opened up a tender for new auditors for the next four years and the fight to win that had been brutal. Never comfortable with being surrounded by too many people, Matthew was thrown out to wine, dine, befriend potential clients and sell the firm as if his life depended on it. Well, his life and everyone else’s lives. As with any other instance where he was put under pressure, he managed to get away with it externally. But at night he couldn’t sleep though he was exhausted, worried about failing, worried about how much everyone else judged him, wondering if there was room in his job for him to just continue being Matthew or if he had to pretend to be a guy who entertained people for money for the rest of his life. Who was he anymore? Matthew or some PKDE robot who worked, won jobs, behaved exactly as the firm dictated and repeated it all over again because that was the winning formula. Matthew had finally discovered the exact list of what worked and counted towards success but that’s all it was - just a formula that he was lucky enough to learn because he was young, healthy and could do some work that happened to be valued. But he was still just Matthew, he wasn’t special, anyone else could do his job, Matthew just happened to be the person that slotted in.  These thoughts would attack him the moment he found a little bit of silence, roaring in the dark quiet of his bedroom in the flat he had bought but barely lived in. Working was much preferred to having to think about these things, to drown them out, so when they roared, Matthew got up and worked until exhaustion claimed him well and truly. Matthew mourned the loss of his silence and happy solitude - he used to live for it to have moments to breathe. Now he couldn’t even have it, even when he was alone in his own sanctuary.

Caught up in all of this, his friends attempted to set him up on dates as a means of balancing out his life, a logic that Matthew didn’t really draw any correlation between but everyone else seemed to. Unfortunately, Matthew just didn’t have enough left over to date well. It didn’t mean he couldn’t try though, and he seemed to get along well with the latest guy he had been set him up with - Lukas Bondevik was an ethereally beautiful man who seemed naturally inclined to solitude and silence himself, and through being with him, Matthew thought he caught familiar notions of what such peace used to feel like, even if it was still mostly elusive to him. An energy trader with the powerful Norwegian oil and gas giant, NorgeOlje, Lukas also understood what it meant to live with numbers and a time-consuming job. But as much as they have spent any time together these past two months, Matthew knows he can’t break through whatever walls Lukas has built around his heart (he’s not sure he should even try) and certain topics are strictly off limits, especially his younger brother, who coincidentally now works on Matthew’s floor, albeit in Timo’s team, not his. Out of respect to Lukas’ wishes, Matthew keeps an eye out when he can but he doesn’t really engage the younger man. It’s mostly to reassure Lukas that Emil is alright, that the firm is treating him well.

These are things he would do for a friend. In his heart, Matthew knows that he and Lukas are better when they act like friends, their only awkward moments happen when they try too hard - when Lukas grasps his hand but otherwise looks deep in thought, when Matthew looks too long not because he can’t help himself, but because he’s wondering why he’s not more excited and blames it on his general exhaustion. It’s really obvious during their first kiss, which Lukas had initiated last weekend. While nice, Matthew knows it happened because neither of them know why they’re not at the stage of wanting to kiss each other yet, or so he guessed from the purse in Lukas’ lips after they broke apart. Matthew can’t shake the feeling that Lukas is assessing him and attempting to peel his layers apart, which is understandable, but not when Lukas doesn’t give much on that front either. He gets the feeling that Lukas will only open up if Matthew makes himself vulnerable first. He doesn’t know if he can. Heck, with how Matthew has been lately, he doesn’t even know if there’s anything under this shell he now wears. He’s terrified that Lukas will find out that there’s literally nothing there and realize that the last two months were probably not well spent.

They’re great on paper, and Matthew has actually written this out many times trying to figure out what doesn’t sit right with him. He can’t put any one finger on it or logic it out, he just knows that something just doesn’t feel right. Maybe if there was anything this experience has taught him, it’s that Matthew really needs to figure out for himself what he likes rather than follow some imaginary narrative of what dating ought to be like. He should also figure out a way to take a step back from work because he can’t go on like this.

With an exhausted sigh, over both work and the talk he has to initiate but has no energy to (Matthew hates himself right now because it almost feels like breaking up will be easier than talking, but can it even be called a breakup? They weren’t actually officially together, still just testing the waters), Matthew packs up, stretches and trods to the bathroom before calling it in for the day. It’s late anyway, the sun had set a long time ago.

That’s when he hears the anguished sobbing that would break anyone’s heart. What should he do? Save the other person’s dignity and pretend he wasn’t there? Stupid, there was no point pretending nothing had happened, the bathroom door creaked and…he thought back to the first time he ever cried at work. He didn’t know who walked in and left him, probably out of respect for his own embarrassment, but now Matthew knows that maybe if that person had let him know that he wasn’t pathetic for feeling overwhelmed, it would have helped him.

Because it had taken five years for Matthew to realize that he wasn’t pathetic for having cried in a bathroom his first year at the firm. Until this moment actually, simply because he knew that he didn’t think less of whoever was in there - their work was often overwhelming and you learned to cope with it - but these coping mechanisms took time to develop… If he could, he wanted to help.

“Hello?”

A painful silence followed. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to intrude,” Matthew didn’t know what he was doing but… “I just…I cried in that same cubicle my first year here. I thought I just wasn’t good enough. I cried again in my second year when I thought I screwed up so badly that my team suffered. My manager, Arthur, had to stay up all night to correct my mistake and I stayed here with him but there didn’t seem to be much that I could do…” Matthew trailed off and was met with more silence. Maybe this had been a bad idea. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that…this is how we learn, and everyone understands that. Heck I’m still here, I got promoted even, so…ah…sorry. I just wanted to see if I could help and let you know that you’ll be okay.” More silence and Matthew has run out of things to say, so he lamely adds. “This is just a moment, it’ll pass, helps to talk about it though.”

Matthew waited a beat more and decided he had done what he could. “Right well, good night.”

The cubicle door slams open and Matthew is now looking at a familiar face, it’s Emil Bondevik, and he looks so much like his brother, albeit with darker eyes and lighter hair, that it’s somewhat frightening. Emil is looking at Matthew as if he is the source of his problems with angry and swollen red eyes. Matthew straightens himself and wonders how to handle this. He knows that Emil is fresh out of university and the team he works with, but he doesn’t know what actually goes on with him otherwise. They had never officially met - Matthew hadn’t made it far enough with Lukas to earn the right to be introduced to family but he was fairly sure that Emil knew of him. He hadn’t further introduced himself because he didn’t want to put Emil on the spot. It was now time to change that.

“I’m Matthew, I work with Francis Bonnefoy.” It’s somehow difficult to state the other obvious when Matthew just can’t figure out what the boundaries are with Emil yet, or Lukas’ boundaries with Emil.

The man/boy swallows and walks forward with his chin up and proud shoulders. Matthew recognizes the familiar gesture, so common in the firm, with a bit of heartbreak - how they all learn early to feign more confidence than they have. “And you’re dating my brother. I know who you are, you know who I am. I report to Timo.”

Matthew nods with a smile - Timo Vainamoinen, Energy team. A friendly Partner who took on the role as the firm’s Santa Claus during the Christmas season. He decides to temporarily ignore the sharp statement about dating his brother. “Well Emil, I find that ice cream is good for refilling the reserves after a good cry, I can get us a tub at the closest convenience store and we can sit down somewhere if you want to talk?” Emil shakes his head and Matthew decides to accept that Emil either isn’t ready to talk yet or he just didn’t want to talk to him. Matthew could find out later which manager was in charge of Emil and get them to talk to the other man, because dating his brother or no, Matthew didn’t want any of the juniors here to feel unsupported. “Well then, if you ever need to-”

“I prefer pastries.” Emil declares and Matthew smiles instead.

“Do you have a favorite place?”

Emil nods.

“Okay well, let me just…do my business, then I can drive us there. I’m guessing you know the way?”

He nods again.

Emil is a quiet sort, just like Lukas, and Matthew can relate to that, so he lets Emil have his silence as they leave the office and in the car ride after the man punches an address into Google Maps. Matthew quietly follows the directions and it’s about ten minutes before Emil finally says something.

“He’ll close in a few minutes but he’ll open the door for us and give us everything he hasn’t managed to sell.”

Matthew nodded. “Friend of yours? You must really be a good customer.”

“He’s an idiot.” Emil grumbled with no particular heat and Matthew suppressed a laugh.

The GPS pinged and the familiar woman’s voice declared “You are arriving at your destination, on left” and Matthew pulled over and parked in front of a cheerful looking place called ‘Mathias’ Danish Cafe’ in an upmarket and residential part of town. A Danish flag hangs in front of the door, partnered next to a Canadian one, and inside the place looks warm and welcoming - a balm after a long day, decorated with warm woods and gentle colors that evoke springtime. There’s even a cheerful kids corner set up on an impressive viking ship built with lego. On it are toys, a wooden rocking horse and storybooks. Beautiful paintings featuring fantastical creatures and fairy-tales adorn the wall. Emil knocks on the glass and Matthew thinks it would be easy to get lost in this place, to believe that you had left the drudgery of your life to have a little holiday just for a few moments. It must be doubly warm to eat something here.

A ridiculously good-looking blonde man in a red T-shirt appears from a back door, and smiles when he sees Emil.

“Emil! Come in! I’ve set up the table in the back! Don’t want to encourage other pedestrians coming in while I’m still closing up.”

Matthew follows Emil in and is struck by the delicious and warm smell of baked pastries.

“Mathias, this is Matthew, one of the managers on my floor. Matthew this is Mathias.” Emil disappears into the back as soon as he’s done with that and Matthew is left to shake hands with Mathias, who looks familiar somehow, but Matthew is sure he’s never met him.

Mathias leans in and almost whispers. “Is Emil having a tough time at work?”

“Yes but…it’s normal actually. It can be quite overwhelming at times.”

The other man frowns. “So he’s not getting bullied?”

It’s endearing, how protective this man seems to be over a loyal customer. “I don’t think so. I know the Partner in charge of his team, I think it really is just a matter of too much work at high intensity in a limited period of time, and maybe personal things but…as I said, I can’t predict anything. Emil doesn’t report to me, I’m just here to listen.” Matthew scrutinizes the man in front of him and decides that he cannot see a hint of resemblance to Emil. “Are you…a relative?”

Mathias gives a self-depreciating laugh and runs a hand through his hair. “…Yeah! You could say that. Anyway, let me take you in. Do you like pastries Matthew?”

“Who doesn’t?”

“Have a particular favorite condiment or taste profile?”

“Maple syrup. I know, I’m not exactly original.”

Mathias laughs again and leads him into the back where Emil has already taken off his jacket and tie and made himself comfortable. He looks like he comes here often. Somehow that knowledge makes Matthew happy, that Emil has a sanctuary to run to because as well meaning as Lukas must be, he’s still a brother and a guardian and too similar to Emil to be responsible for cheering him up. Mathias reminds Matthew of Alfred in a way. They aren’t exactly the same but they have a similar hyper energy thrumming in them. Unlike Alfred though, Mathias seems to know when to tone it down.

Walking in, Matthew is happy to see that the cheerful decor also extends to the back. “How long have you been coming here?” Matthew asks, as a safe opener.

“Since it opened.” Emil pauses, thinking of something. “This place has only been open a few years actually. Maybe three years ago? If I didn’t get an offer from PKDE, I thought I’d work here.” He scoffs. “Maybe I still will. Mathias! You hiring?”

Matthew hears laughter further in the back and a shout of “Yes! But I was hiring before too!”

Matthew laughs as well. “I hope if you leave, it will be because you’ve decided that the firm isn’t suitable for you, not because you think that you have to.”

“You’ve never worked with me.” Emil scowls.

“No,” Matthew shrugs. “But if you’re upset because you’re concerned about the quality of your work, it at least tells me that you care enough about it to learn and try. If it’s because of something else in your life, I hope we’re not exacerbating it. If it’s the firm itself, if it isn’t what you thought it was, or someone is…bullying you and we haven’t done anything about it…”

“No one’s a bully.” Emil muttered. “Timo can be scary enough when he needs to be to prevent that. Is it what I thought it was? I don’t know. I didn’t have expectations. It was a job that gave me an offer out of university and I thought I’d get experience, a good salary and an excuse to move to a place of my own one day-” The last admission is cut off with a gasp and Emil looks at Matthew with challenging eyes.

“I won’t tell.” Matthew quickly adds. “It’s…I mean if it’s that much of a sensitive topic, that’s something for you to personally discuss with your brother, right?”

Somewhere further in the back, Mathias whistles and keeps away pots and pans. It really does seem to be too much for one man to do alone. Emil is silent, as if waiting for something to happen, but when nothing does, he relaxes.

Matthew decides to start somewhere safe. “How about…okay, let’s talk about work then, just work. What happened today?”

They speak for hours, though Matthew doesn’t keep track of the time and doesn’t say much except to encourage the younger man to keep speaking. He spends it listening, letting Emil spill out his frustrations, work and otherwise, to fresh sympathetic ears while Mathias kindly gave them privacy while cleaning up and soon he ceased to be a distraction at all. He vaguely had a sense of boxes being moved, a cell phone going off unanswered and busy footsteps.

“…I have no damn clue what I’m doing and it’s no wonder why there are so many accounting scandals if firms like ours field people like me to go check accounts the way we do.”

It’s a familiar fear and feeling, and Matthew repeats what was told to him by Arthur once upon a time. “But no one starts off knowing what we’re doing. Even Mathias didn’t know how to bake once. You know what I like to do in my free time? I love to skate. The first time I ever stepped on the ice, I fell every few minutes. It’s the same with our job, we don’t start off knowing how to audit, it takes experience, success and failure. Believe me when I say if there is ever an accounting scandal, it’s not going to be your fault. Your work gets checked by your Team Lead, then by your Manager, sometimes it goes through many more levels and even goes to your Partner. Any failure is something so difficult to find that it passed through all those checks. Sure, maybe we get distracted, maybe we’re all miraculously tired at the same time and miss the exact same thing but that’s still not going to be your fault. At this level, your only responsibility is to learn. Of course if you decide to stay, then yes, the longer you’re here, you take on more responsibility, and if you make Partner, you are ultimately responsible. That’s why they get paid as much as they do, for the risk, and by that time…well you will at least have some idea of what you’re doing.” He laughed. “I’ll be honest though…you’ll always feel a little out of your depth.”

Emil looks rather displeased with that.

“I’m not saying that to scare you. I think no matter what job or occupation you choose, there will always be something that scares you, some mystery that hits you from nowhere. People will look to you for answers and you just won’t have them yet. That’s especially true of our job and maybe the consequences of us actually being out of our depth are a little higher. If you’re going to stay, you have to decide how to manage that feeling, or if you’re comfortable with that feeling in our particular line of work, knowing what could happen. Sometimes, even I’m not.”

Emil leaned back, taking a bite of another danish, while Matthew took a sip of the coffee that Mathias had also been kind enough to supply. “So why do you stay?”

Sometimes these days, Matthew didn’t know the answer to that, but it’s good to think about it. “I stay because…well I’m good at it and I believe in the value of what I do. I don’t often get to say I’m good at something or appreciated for it. And…I like the team, I believe in us. I…my family was chaotic for the longest time while I was growing up. There was a time I didn’t even speak to my own brother. I love them but it’s…complicated sometimes. Complicated in such a way that no matter what the firm throws at me, it can’t quite match. I guess my team is also a family of sorts, reliable in a way I never expected. I like being able to give back to them. I’m also not the most…sociable of people.”

Emil looks skeptical at that.

“No really! Most of my friends from university are the people I lived in the same building as, or I had several classes with. Working here made me learn how to be more sociable. I’m kind of forgettable really, so it’s a good skill to have, knowing how to deal with people.”

Now Emil looked at him as if he had grown an extra head. “If that’s…how did you meet my brother then?”

“Arthur. You know Arthur Kirkland?”

Emil nods.

“I met up with Arthur for dinner, he’s been travelling a lot and he was a mentor to me when I joined. Lukas was there, because well, for the same reason as I was I guess, we see so little of Arthur. The three of us had a good chat, mostly about getting caught up in work and not doing things for ourselves. We all love hiking, for example, so Lukas and I made plans to go the following weekend, mostly to make Arthur jealous.” Matthew smiled in amusement at the memory. “Which I guess leads us to the other thing to keep in mind about this job. It sucks but carving out moments to ourselves to balance everything, so that life doesn’t just become the firm…that’s up to us to make sure that we do.”  

The entire place has gone eerily silent. Emil stares at him as if the answer to some kind of mystery has finally been solved. There’s no more whistling, no boxes moving. Mathias must be finished. Matthew kind of wishes the man could keep cleaning because the deep silence of the cafe is eerie now, tense.

Emil takes a breath and looks oddly concerned? But he tilts his head, observes Matthew carefully and seems to come to a decision. “This may be none of my business but…you’ve been seeing him for months now, do you…actually like my brother?”

Matthew feels his eyebrows rise as high as they can go. He didn’t exactly want to talk to Emil about whatever seemed complicated between him and Lukas, but he found that he couldn’t lie either. “I…haven’t been seeing your brother for very long…?” Emil had said ‘for months’. Technically it had just been two months it wasn’t as long as Emil made it sound but…apparently this wasn’t the norm?

Emil drums his fingertips against the table, waiting.

“He’s …” He shouldn’t tell a kid who strongly resembles his brother that his brother is beautiful, that’s all kinds of inappropriate, especially considering their professional relationship. “Well, I do appreciate how easy it is to talk to him and I’m really surprised I guess, that he’s given me any time of day, I know I’m not the most charismatic guy out there but…Emil, we…” Matthew doesn’t really know what to say, despite being a twenty-five year old man, it appears this kind of topic never gets easier to talk about. Emil looks even more confused and leans closer, it’s just too quiet in here now, the absence of noise is as deafening as too much of it. He tries to hide his discomfort by grasping his mug of coffee, letting the warmth soothe the tension in his hands.

*KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK* The loud rapping against the back door jostles Matthew and to his annoyance, he’s spilled some coffee. Great, well they seemed to be finishing up here and he’d be going home soon. He just needed to finish answering the question, or hope that the disruption made Emil forget, which isn’t likely.

“Mathias! Open the damn door and give me my keys! I called you hours ago!”

Matthew’s jaw drops and he stares at the back door with disbelief. That sounds like-

“Oh shit, hang on!” Mathias bursts out from a side door next to their table and unlatches the back.

Matthew wasn’t imagining it. It’s Daan. Matthew has barely seen the man in two years and here he is, dressed casually in a plain shirt and comfortable khakis, rolling in with a travel suitcase. He doesn’t realize that Emil and Matthew are also there it seems because he turns to Mathias and grumbles, “I forgot my keys remember? I can’t get into the apartment without you. You’re usually home by now, so I thought I’d wait. Then I got sick and tired of sitting in the hallway in front of the door sending you messages and calls that you’re not answering, for two hours! Especially after spending a day on a plane, what the hell?!”

Wait, Daan lives with Mathias? A hazy memory flickers and turns clear in Matthew’s mind, a photograph from years ago that Matthew deleted from his phone because Michelle took it and sent it to him without Daan’s knowledge - Daan cycling with a laughing, gorgeous…now he knows why Mathias looks familiar.

“Sorry, Marit quit last week, I’ve been doing everything alone here in the evenings. I didn’t hear the phone and besides. Emil’s here.”

Daan looks up and looks surprised, to put it mildly. “Matthew?!…” He blinks at Emil and quickly composes himself. “Hi Emil.”

Mathias scoffs. “Yes, and Lukas’ new boyfriend, you seem to know him. Is the rest of your office going to walk in tonight? I don’t mind you know, it’s just that I thought PKDE was going to be your life, not take over mine. But hey, that’s fine, PKDE paid for this place, suppose they own me too. I should start a corporate rate.”

Matthew silently gulps and eyes all the escape routes because Mathias has turned into a different man from the one who greeted him just a few hours ago. Now he looks exhausted and his words, while outwardly civil are dripping in passive-aggressiveness. Matthew does not need to be sitting here while a domestic spat unfolds. Matthew has also no idea why Mathias is upset, though with how Daan travels, they probably don’t get to see each other much, and if the first words Daan can say to his boyfriend after being away for who-knows-how-long is ‘open the damn door’ and ‘what the hell’, Matthew can’t say that Daan doesn’t deserve it. Matthew is disappointed. He supposes he can’t blame Daan, traveling is exhausting and he remembers what Daan looked like the last time he saw him, weary and holding it together from pride alone. But Mathias doesn’t deserve that greeting.

“Lukas?” Daan repeats dumbly, then starts looking around. Alright, Matthew may not be a genius when it comes to relationships but he’s sure that’s not what should be said after your boyfriend has made it very clear that he’s upset.

“He’s not here.” Emil calls back. “Hey Daan. Sorry I…I had a rough day, Matthew just drove me here to talk and make sure I got some food. He’s never been here before. Have you Matthew?”

Matthew desperately wants them to stop paying attention to him so he can just grab Emil and disappear. He hates watching couples fight. “No but I’ll definitely try to come again. This place looks lovely, it’s warm and welcoming. A balm after a long day.”

Mathias glares at Matthew, which is…an odd response after the praise, but his expression changes almost immediately and his shoulders sag as if the work he’s done has finally fully caught up to him. He attempts a smile, a ghost of the one that Matthew saw before, swallows and looks away. “Thanks. And thanks for…taking care of Emil. Emil can you take him out? And text me to let me know you’ve reached home.” He hands Daan a set of keys. “I’ll be home later, I’m still…” he motions to the side door he left out of and walks back in. Now that Matthew can see a bit of it, it looks like his office.

Daan accepts the keys and then just stares at Matthew, which makes Matthew feel uneasy. Is it the spilt coffee again? Jet-lag? Travel exhaustion? Is it the embarrassment of having someone in the office witness a personal spat? Matthew observes him right back, notes the familiar weariness he saw two years ago but also can’t quite get enough of his particular version of Daan. The Daan he had met before was always dressed in his Partner uniform - the crisp shirt and good ties, hair gelled up, in control. This Daan’s hair fell over his forehead, it needed a trim. The aura of leadership and intimidation that he usually carried around with him was simply not present at this very moment. Finally Daan closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and nods. After that, he looks at the door to Mathias’ office with a knowing expression.

Realizing that he’s staring, Matthew tears his eyes away, feeling the familiar burn in his cheeks that he had forgotten about after so long. It’s as if his body is now hardwired to simultaneously be fascinated by Daan and yet feel embarrassed in the man’s presence, even when Daan doesn’t comport himself well.

“I’m sorry to intrude.” Matthew says so fast he wonders if it was even understandable. “Welcome back.”

“Thanks.” Daan responds, controlled. “Drive safe. Emil…if you want we can talk about it later this week?”

“No,” Emil responds, eyeing them curiously. “I’m fine now.”  

As Matthew and Emil leave out the back door, Matthew can hear Daan’s voice behind, a knock on a door and a peace offering, “Hey, you need help with that?…”

The car ride to Lukas and Emil’s apartment is again, mostly quiet. It surprises Matthew when Emil lets out words so quiet, they were almost a whisper. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Matthew responds, almost as soft. It’s comforting actually, to be able to speak at this quieter tone, he has to force himself to project or speak up so often these days, it’s a strain, one that he didn’t realize was a strain until he was able to sit quietly and mostly listen or speak in soft tones.

“I shouldn’t have brought you there. I was feeling…unfairly angry. You haven’t done anything wrong except well, maybe one thing.”

“What?” Matthew can’t quite put the meaning behind these words together.

Emil chuckles. “You don’t like Lukas. I mean you do, but not in the way you probably should for a guy who’s been taking him out on dates for two months. But it’s really none of my business.”

Matthew grips the steering wheel. It’s that obvious? Apparently. “Two months isn’t very long for me.” He says the words without thinking them, but they’re true. “It takes me a while to really fall for someone, it’s not always like the movies, and…that’s between Lukas and me, and I’ll talk to him about it.”

Emil stares at the dashboard with a frown. “I shouldn’t have done that to Mathias, but I thought it would help. Don’t know why.”

“Umm…sorry I’m lost.” Matthew has no choice but to say.

Emil gives him a confused look before something hits him. “Lukas never told you about Mathias?!”

Joy. Somehow Matthew ended up dating a man who used to date Daan’s live-in boyfriend, there wasn’t much of an alternate explanation. He didn’t need this information, well maybe he did but it should have come from Lukas when the other man was ready to share. Mathias’ tone makes a bit more sense, he had been upset with Matthew because he was dating Lukas. But…that didn’t make sense either, not if Mathias was with Daan who was quite the catch himself. No, Mathias was probably upset because when Emil asked Matthew straight up if he liked Lukas, Matthew couldn’t answer. If Emil grew up around Lukas, Mathias and Daan, and couldn’t see how two people could date for two months and not be mad about each other…well it told Matthew something about the types of characters those three were when it came to love. The image doesn’t really fit Daan, but what does Matthew know? It doesn’t really fit what he’s seen of Lukas either, but it does explain why Lukas always looks like he’s seeking or waiting for something. And from what he had initially seen of Mathias’ friendly energy when they first entered, how unabashed Mathias was of speaking to Matthew as if they were already friends, asking about Emil…Matthew knows that Mathias is not the type of man who would have made Lukas wait for anything. It makes Matthew feel even more inadequate.

  
Mathias and Lukas must have had something strong indeed if Emil treated Mathias like family. Matthew realizes that he may not have a right to know all of this but his thoughts still swarm, clenching in his gut. All he can get out is, “No.” There’s an uncomfortable silence before Matthew adds, “No he didn’t but we’re really not there yet. Mathias calling me Lukas’ boyfriend was an exaggeration. As I think…you know. You invited me there so Mathias could meet me?”

  
Emil has shut down though, just as effectively as Lukas can, so Matthew can’t read anything, only that Emil is keeping a great deal to himself. “I’m sorry.” Is all he says.

Matthew pulls up to the apartments, too tired and grateful that he can go home. “Emil I have no idea what’s the deal between Lukas and Mathias or what you think you’ve done, but it kind of sounds like you may need to speak to Lukas about … a lot of things honestly, and that you also owe Mathias an apology. I can’t help you with whatever stress you feel about those things, but I hope you’re feeling better about work. I just ask that you respect my personal life from now on, whatever happens between your brother and myself will happen at its own pace. I’ll do the same for you. You okay to go up on your own?”

“Yes.” Now Emil looks a little guilty and worried.

 

Matthew suppresses a sigh. He didn’t want to scare Emil or make his mood worse, but maybe it would be good to let him stew on the lessons he’s learned tonight. At least things seemed better on the work front. He doesn’t appreciate being used in whatever Emil was trying to do tonight but he also wasn’t going to yell at Emil about it, not when he seems to have figured out for himself that it was wrong. “Goodnight Emil. See you tomorrow.”

* * *

 

The next morning, Matthew gets a simple message from Lukas, thanking him for taking care of Emil and asking if their hike on Saturday was still on. The tone sounds oddly tentative, but Matthew hardly slept last night so maybe he’s just imagining it. Matthew confirms the plans and stares at nothing for a while. Perhaps it’s fatigue, but he just doesn’t feel like he can work well today. Not that he has a choice, the next two days before the blissful weekend will be filled with meetings and he won’t have a chance to sit at his desk and get some solid work done. Emil seemed fine that morning when Matthew looked over on his way to the pantry. They waved at each other and left it at that.

It’s going to be a normal day, all in all. Matthew just has to get through the week, potentially end a relationship with Lukas on Saturday depending on whatever came about when they talked about everything, mope around and eat ice cream on Sunday, then he can start all over again.

He settles at his desk and clears it up a little. He’s going to have a meeting with Sylvie, a Senior Associate, on the latest audit report she’s written that is about fifteen pages long - it’s going to be a long session. She comes over to his desk with her laptop and he greets her with a smile before they get started. All in all, it’s a normal day until Matthew looks over at Sylvie and wonders why she looks equal parts shocked and gleeful…but desperately trying to cover it. He turns around to figure it out and drops his pen at the sight.

“Daan?!” What? What is Daan doing here? In all the years Matthew has worked here he’s seen only a handful of people from the seventh floor come by to meet with Francis or speak to Ha over Maplecorp but it’s never been Daan. “Oh sorry let me…” He bends down from his chair to find his pen, Sylvie is still frozen where she sits and Matthew hears the soft thud of something being placed on his desk. When he gets back up he finds a cheerful take-away box decorated with the colors of Mathias’ cafe on it.

Daan smiles at Sylvie with the friendly and encouraging charm that Partners seem to reserve for junior staff. “Good morning. May I borrow your manager for a moment?”

“Of course! Of course!” Sylvie grabs her laptop and zips away before Matthew can say anything or stop her. He follows her movement back to where she sits with all the non-management staff and Matthew can already tell this is going to be a disaster. EVERYONE knows who Daan is, because even if they joined after the Daan revelation had been the biggest fad, they were quickly informed about it. In the past two years Matthew stopped receiving stalking photographs from his team because it’s hard to stalk a man who is barely in-country, but that didn’t mean that they had forgotten the whole ‘Mr 7th floor’ saga. Michelle is biting her lip and staring too intently at her screen, Ha is standing to read a report that isn’t a report, it’s some stupid advertising brochure they put together for clients a YEAR ago, there’s a strange giddiness that is enveloping this part of his floor because everyone is now smiling while they ‘work’ as if they’re absolutely passionate about auditing and can’t imagine life getting any better. Matthew slowly turns around to face Daan and catches a glimpse of Francis through the glass sliding door to his office. The Partner is also staring intently at his laptop and grinning like a fiend.

Fuck.

Matthew accepts his fate of public humiliation, stands, leans against his desk and looks at Daan. Daan the Partner is back in full force today, dressed in his usual crisp clothes and heavy tie, dark grey slacks and not the orange shirt that Matthew hates, but he’s well put-together nonetheless.

“I’m…sorry for keeping Mathias last night,” Matthew begins, speaking softly. “If I had known I would have taken Emil somewhere else.”

Daan looks a little confused at that. “Why are you apologising?” He responds, equally soft. “Mathias is more than happy to give Emil a sanctuary, it’s one of the reasons that cafe is designed the way it is. He’s grateful to you for helping Emil. In fact,” He lifts the takeaway box. “He made these for you - special order of maple syrup danishes and other experimental pastries - all using high-quality, robust-flavored maple syrup. It’s his thanks and apology for being short with you last night. He’s been exhausted. This is also his…” Daan looks uncertain and Matthew tilts his head. Uncertain and Daan don’t usually seem to go together. “His peace offering I suppose you can call it. He thinks you’re a nice guy and…hopes that you and Lukas are well.”

Matthew takes the box as he mulls those words over in his head. ‘Are well’? What is this? The 18th century? “Thanks.” He says, for lack of anything else to say. He’s forgotten how embarrassed he gets when it comes to Daan, and it’s even worse now that his entire team is staring at them while pretending not to be. “He doesn’t owe me an apology, I didn’t even know that he knew Lukas when Emil took me there and he was kind enough to let us use his kitchen to talk. I’ll head over tonight and pay him back for-”

“No.”

That had come out louder, with a ring of command to it, getting everyone’s attention and Matthew is a little taken aback at the strong response.

“Sorry,” Daan adds quickly at the look Matthew must have given him. “I mean, don’t pay for it. He made these for you, and if they’re good, tell him and he’ll add them to the menu, and make more money, which is never a bad thing…that is, if he ever gets around to hiring as much help as he needs. He’s lucky so far that he has as much energy as he does. Though I’m surprised…”

“What?”

“You didn’t know about Mathias? It’s not any of my business but I’m just surprised. I’ve known Lukas most my life too, it’s…nevermind. It really is none of my business to say.” Daan finishes with a tired smile.

But Matthew is also tired, he doesn’t want to deal with this again, he’s not willing to give the speech he gave to Emil about how it takes him forever to fall in love with someone and two months really isn’t a long time. He doesn’t want to think about the deeper confusion about himself that comes up when he thinks about what it means to be with someone else. What is wrong with these people?! He doesn’t need the constant reminder that he just doesn’t feel good enough, in dating, with proposals, at his job, especially not when he’s dating a man who looks like he stepped out from the pages of Norse mythology. But hey, since they’re so free and curious about his love life, he can’t help but ask. “It sounds like Mathias still cares a lot about Lukas, that’s fine with you? I mean, you live with the guy.”

If Daan is surprised by Matthew’s tone, he hides it well and shrugs very casually, as if his boyfriend still loving another man is a fact of life. Because it is love, to Matthew’s eyes, to build and offer a sanctuary for Emil as if he was his own younger brother, to swallow any hurt he had to make danishes to wish the current man dating his former love well. It’s not the angry and possessive jealousy of a young and infatuated man, it’s just love, whether you can be with a person or not. “When it comes to Mathias, you just have to accept that part of him that forever belongs to Lukas, no matter what.” He looks at Matthew in warning. “I used to think that it was the same for Lukas but…I’ll leave that up to you.”

Matthew feels angry then, for Daan’s sake because how can he not be bothered? As gorgeous and good as Mathias seems to be, Matthew feels that Daan deserves better. It’s ridiculous, because Matthew knows it’s not up to him. Last night when he was tired he thought Mathias was simply fond of his ex, or perhaps caught up in the nostalgia of the one that got away. Now that he’s awake and knows more, it sounds unfair to the extreme to be with another man who was your childhood friend to boot, when you still weren’t over someone else. Or maybe Mathias was using Daan to get over Lukas?

Which is all unfair conjecture because he just doesn’t know and it’s none of his business…Matthew shakes his head and lets out a grumble of annoyance. Because his pride was kicking in now damnit. He had spent his whole life feeling second-best to his younger brother, he had seen how being left for another woman had affected his mother. There was no way he was going to be someone else’s second best, to let Lukas use him the way he just thought Mathias could be using Daan. Maybe Daan is happy to live with it, but Matthew isn’t.

The grumble catches Daan of guard and he puts nervous hands into his pockets. “Matthew, don’t read too much into what I’m saying. There’s a complicated story here and I think it’s perfectly fair that Lukas wanted to spare you from it. It’s the rest of us who shouldn’t have let it leak out to you, we’re just…I’m going to stop before I make things worse. I’m just making you even more upset and I really don’t want to do that.” There’s a tense silence between them and Daan finally chuckles and runs his hand through his hair. “Speaking about work is so much easier than explaining a box of free danishes.”  

Matthew doesn’t answer because his screen is flashing. Though he’s pissed off and nervous, he can’t help his eyes widening - the screen is  flashing because of the sheer amount of chat boxes that have popped up. The firm has an internal chat program for staff to speak about projects on a secure chat medium. While it was sometimes used for that, more often than not it was used for personal chatting and right now all the chats were along the same lines.

[Sylvie Costa/CAN/SENIOR ASSOCIATE/ASSURANCE]: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

[Michelle Vel/CAN/MANAGER/ASSURANCE]: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH ;););););)

[Michelle Vel/CAN/MANAGER/ASSURANCE]: Okay but remember you have a boyfriend now

[Michelle Vel/CAN/MANAGER/ASSURANCE]: Is Lukas a boyfriend yet?

[Michelle Vel/CAN/MANAGER/ASSURANCE]: OMG DID HE JUST BRING YOU A GIFT?!

[Michelle Vel/CAN/MANAGER/ASSURANCE]: I’M SO TORN MATTHEW HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME?!

[Ha Ngoc Le/CAN/MANAGER/ASSURANCE]: You are much closer to 7th floor than I thought

[Ha Ngoc Le/CAN/MANAGER/ASSURANCE]: I don’t know how to handle 7th floor being here

[Ha Ngoc Le/CAN/MANAGER/ASSURANCE]: Be careful

[Patrice Drogba/CAN/ASSISTANT MANAGER/ASSURANCE]: I have taken a picture. The team must put this up for posterity. It is an amazing milestone in the saga of the 7th floor man.

[Francis Bonnefoy/CAN/PARTNER/ASSURANCE]:  (♥ε♥)  (♥ε♥)  (♥ε♥)

How did Francis even…?! Ugh! Matthew is glad that Daan is standing a little too far from the screen to be able to read it, though he would be able to see all the flashing windows. Despite the anger, Matthew can’t help but smile and shake his head. These guys… Matthew straightens himself, locks his screen as casually as he can and opens his box of danishes to see the cheerful offerings inside.

“I’m still going to thank him personally.” Matthew says.

Daan doesn’t look pleased but shrugs. “Do what you must.”

Matthew scoffs. “I will. I’m doing it for me. Lukas and I need to talk. Which we will, preferably without me having to learn more about his life from the rest of you. I hope you’re all telling him that you’re talking to me about him behind his back, whether intentionally or not. I mean you all stop yourselves, though conveniently a little too late. And it’s a shame I can’t walk into my new favorite cafe without worrying about this but I suppose that’s life.”

Daan looks taken aback for a moment and nods, accepting the chastisement. He stands there quietly, awkwardly, staring at the desk. When Matthew is about to say some polite farewells Daan adds, “Promotion announcements come out on Monday.”

That was an odd change of topic. “Yes, I know.” Who didn’t know?

Daan steps in and leans closer, causing Matthew to freeze up. “Keep an eye out for Arthur.” Daan whispers. “We’ll probably throw a party for him, it would be nice for your team to come too, he started out here.”

Matthew can’t help the smile breaking out on his face despite his personal issues. Arthur is already a Director. If his name is on the promotion list, there’s only one step higher to go. This is huge and a dream come true for his old mentor. Matthew grins at Daan as the other man straightens himself and raises a finger to his lips with a conspiratorial smirk. A secret, of course, at least until Monday. Matthew nods and Daan steps away. “Is it okay if I let Jack know that you’ll be the go-to person on this end?”

“Of course.” Matthew grins. He’s more than happy to make time for Arthur’s Partner party.

“Good. Well, I won’t bother you any longer. It’s good to see you Matthew.”

Matthew nodded out of politeness but was surprised to find that as complicated as Daan, or Mr 7th Floor, was in his life, he didn’t mind seeing him here, overall. It was almost as if all those years of him being his department’s distraction had become a positive association and ingrained in him somewhere. He also had to admit that the glimpses he got of Daan the person rather than Daan the Partner were addictive, like a tempting book that you only got torn up pieces of and had to put together.

With that trademark smirk, Daan walks over to knock on Francis’ door, probably calling in out of courtesy because he came all this way. Matthew takes a deep breath and actually looks at all his chats properly. Oh dear lord…he wants to bury himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> zulu-sart drew wonderful fanart for this fic and it made my day! (This is a big deal because this has been a really tough week for me). [Check it out on Tumblr :D](https://zulu-sart.tumblr.com/post/160753956745/i-swear-this-started-out-on-one-notecardbut#notes)


	4. Chapter 4

It’s in the opposite direction of his home but Matthew has to make a diversion to the cafe. It’s earlier than the last time he’d brought Emil there, so there’s a good after-work crowd. Matthew pulls the door open and feels his heart warming at the sight of children playing in their little fairytale corner and the smell of freshly baked goods and warm foods wafting in the air. This cafe is truly something, and Matthew notes a few high-school aged students running up and down as waiters, but still not enough to match how popular the place is.

“Can I help you?” Matthew turns to see one of these teenagers smiling at him. His eyes fell to her nameplate ‘Yuka’.

Maybe he hadn’t thought out the idea of thanking Mathias in person, especially considering how busy the place is, “Hi Yuka, I’d just like to leave a message for Mathias, if that’s alright,” It is likely a bad idea to bother Mathias in person. “I’d like to thank him for the maple syrup danishes.”

“Oh, so you’re the lucky taste tester for those. Okay, I’ll pass the message along. Your name…?”

“Matthew. Please also let him know that I…really appreciated them.”

The back door swings open and Mathias is carrying a tray of freshly baked goods, grinning and puffing with exertion. Yuka takes the tray and Mathias wipes his brow with his arm. His hair is a little messy but it doesn’t take away from his charm apparently, as his customers turn and greet him excitedly. Some of the children run up and Mathias greets them with bear hugs and has to bribe them with candy to get them to go back and play.

Matthew can’t help but smile and a short laugh escapes his lips. That’s when Mathias notices him and stiffens somewhat. He can’t really see the expression on Mathias’ face as he’s wearing a face mask for hygiene, since he’s baking the goods, “Hi Matthew! If you’d like more of those maple syrup ones you’ll have to put in a special order, I just made four.” Mathias says with forced levity as he pulls down his mask out of politeness.

“Oh please, don’t worry about it. I just wanted to come by and thank you in person. I think if you do add them to your menu, you’d have people lining up non-stop, all-year-round,” Matthew looked out at the loud and crowded cafe. “Not that you’re unpopular to begin with…”

“Yeah,” Mathias laughed ruefully. “I didn’t expect to be this popular this quickly, so my hiring plans, expansion plans and all have been sped up! I should probably do something like…hire an accountant, a manager and stuff but…anyway you’re not here to hear my business woes.”

“Do you need help?” Matthew didn’t know why he said that, considering the amount of work he already had. “I mean, I’m surrounded by accountants, and so technically, is Daan. You may be tired of PKDE people but it shouldn’t be too hard for me to reach out to other people from university and stuff who decided that the big firm route wasn’t for them. Some went freelance. That may help with the accounting. The floor manager and stuff well…I don’t know anything about that.”

Mathias looks at him incredulously, then laughs in earnest. “Ah…sure. That’d be nice. Just a first step to get a handle on the money so I can figure out where I want it to go, and preferably someone who doesn’t need much guidance and is trustworthy - the goes without saying I guess. Daan would be offended I didn’t ask him but he doesn’t get to complain because he’s hardly ever here. Speaking of, would you happen to know anyone who’s willing to babysit some rabbits too? We’d pay by this point.”

“Rabbits?!”

Mathias pulls out his phone and shows Matthew a picture of three particularly adorable rabbits - one as white as snow, another caramel colored and a black-colored one. Matthew didn’t hear the whine coming out of his mouth as his heart melted at the sight. “Oh my god…” He murmured, covering his mouth with his hands.

“Here, this is a video. I figure it won’t be hard to find someone who wants to take care of them, the problem is finding someone that they trust AND wouldn’t steal them.” Mathias added with glee and tapped on the screen. Someone was feeding the caramel one a baby carrot and Matthew couldn’t take his eyes away from the wiggling of that cute nose and munching little mouth greedily chewing on the carrot.

Matthew forced himself to close his eyes and shake his head. “They live here?”

“Hah! No.” Mathias replies. “The noise is a little too much for them, but the problem is, rabbits are social, they need people around, and these are not caged so someone would just need to drop in and make sure that their litter is clean, they’re fed on time, they’re not accidentally killing themselves, that kind of thing. I used to do that but now this place takes up all my time. Belle travels as much as Daan, Christian, uh, Daan’s baby bro? He works worse hours than Emil and Daan is so fucking picky with who gets to take care of his rabbits, he won’t even-”

“Those are Daan’s?!” Matthew almost yelled in shock. He doesn’t know why he’s so surprised but he can’t really process it at the moment.

Mathias gave an evil smirk. “Oh yeah, they’re not mine. I mean I suppose he tries to have this badass rep in the office, but who says an evil bastard can’t have pets? Frankly, I don’t think they need as much care as he thinks, they’re well trained, but you don’t know how much I’ve been chewed out already for not being with them as much as he wants, which is how taking care of them became something that involved more than three people! So I tell him, ‘you got pet rabbits and you’re the one who decided it was okay to fly everywhere’ and what does he do? Gets a new rabbit ‘oh they’re social! The third should make them happier!’ Damnit man that isn’t the point!”

Matthew’s jaw has dropped by now, trying to imagine these two adult men who look like posterboys for GQ magazine, having a spat over the proper care of pet bunnies. Trying to imagine Daan, the man who makes managers quake in their shoes, whom the other Partners call a miser, who stole projects from other directors on his way up, who flat out uses the word ‘stupid’ when evaluating work (and fine, maybe he isn’t wrong but doesn’t he know what positive reinforcement is?). Daan, the man who Michelle called a bond-villain lookalike, has three fucking adorable pet bunnies. Whom he fights with his boyfriend over. The third of which he bought because he didn’t want the first two to be lonely when he travelled. What world is this?

“Yeah, sorry, a little off topic, but out of all things, it’s the rabbits that are taking up a lot of my time now too, I run back at slow periods to check in on them! So I really ought to hire someone, but Daan will insist on a full background check and want to see how his bunnies interact with any newbie so it’s not like I can just hire anyone when he’s out of town, which is most the time. Just a little venting there, and a bit of revenge. Because someone at the firm now knows about his bunnies, and that’s one person he can’t intimidate.” Mathias grins smugly.

Matthew just stares back wordlessly.

“Don’t get me wrong! I do love them! It’s literally impossible to be down when they’re hopping all over you but…”

“They’re adorable.” Matthew breathes. “I’ll ask around for them too.”

Now it’s Mathias’ turn to look at Matthew wordlessly, a curious expression on his face that had rapidly changed from annoyed to remorseful. He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “Fuck…you really are a nice guy aren’t you?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Matthew shoots back, and what kind of people has Mathias been talking to that he shows them pictures of cute bunnies and they still behave like assholes?

“It’s a compliment! I meant it as a compliment. I,” A short laugh escapes him, “Forget about the rabbits, I really wanted to hate you. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m jealous though I have no right to be and…”

Matthew waits for him to continue, figuring that he’s not really thinking about what he’s saying, so it’s as honest as it’s going to get.

“Take care of him please,” Mathias finishes, a sad smile on his face. “Lukas. I know I don’t have any right to ask and he doesn’t belong to me or anything and heck, he’s more than capable of taking care of himself, but…you’re a nice guy, and I’ll be happy just knowing that Lukas has found what he’s looking for.”

The mood is heavy again. Somehow, Matthew walked into the cafe expecting this to come up but the rabbits and overall warmth of the place made him temporarily forget.

“I should get back to the kitchen. Thanks for dropping by Matthew.”

* * *

 

Saturday comes too quickly. Matthew makes sure he’s brought everything he needs for the hike, checking through his backpack one more time before messaging Lukas and heading to his car. It’s early enough that the sun hasn’t risen, and he’s scheduled to pick Lukas up from the apartment that he shares with Emil before they drive out to their chosen trail. It’s an hour’s drive out of the city and they want to be able to reach the end of the trail with plenty of sunlight and time to spare, because they’re going to be having a long talk at the waterfall they’re aiming for and they’ll need time to return to the car after that. It only occurs to Matthew now that they’re fairly optimistic about still wanting to spend that much time together after what’s said today, but he supposes that they’re not the explode-in-rage type. Besides, even if Matthew somehow finds himself angry, he’s not going to strand Lukas out there, it’s just not right.

The streets are quiet at this time of day and Matthew enjoys the quiet as he drives the familiar route. He and Lukas had been exchanging messages about today since the cafe incident. Matthew had taken a picture of the danishes and sent them to Lukas with a simple message “Delicious. Has Emil told you?” Maybe that was passive aggressive, but Matthew didn’t want to sound confrontational to the extreme either.

Oh God he is so bad at this.

Lukas responded with a simple “Yes.” Then sent Matthew a map of the chosen trail for the weekend. They only discussed their plans for today after that. When he arrives he finds Lukas waiting for him outside, tired and tense. Well that’s not what Matthew wants to see. He leans over to open the passenger door.

“Hey.” Matthew smiles in greeting. “You can nap on the way there if you want.”

Lukas seems to relax a little after that and smiles as well. “Doesn’t sound fair to leave you bored.”

Matthew looks at Lukas with the strange light of early morning resting on the pale planes of his face, and wonders how they ended up together in any capacity. “Thanks.”

Before he can start up the car, Lukas squeezes his wrist. “Wait, Matthew.”

Oh God were they doing this now?

“I just want to suggest that we enjoy the hike, no matter what words get said at the waterfall.”

Lukas’ voice is deep and calming, it has a trance-like effect sometimes, even when he’s agitated. Usually there’s a good amount of dry humor involved in speaking to Lukas as well, but that seems entirely absent now. Matthew reaches a hand over the squeeze the one on his wrist. “I agree.”

They don’t really talk on the drive, not in a continuous way to fill up the silence the way Matthew is used to having to deal with when he’s out winning clients or visiting his brother. But occasionally Lukas will see something and comment on it, something that Matthew can’t see because he’s driving and paying attention to the road, but he appreciates it all the same. It’s just enough to keep him awake but quiet enough that Matthew feels comfortable. Lukas and the promise of a hike has this effect on him - he can stew away for weeks with toxic thoughts that may or may not lessen when they meet up for simple dinners in the city, but together like this out here, Matthew almost remembers what it feels like to be at ease again. It’s this calm companionship that he appreciates but it’s probably nature gifting it to both of them. Nature gives enough to fill the world with wonder, and simultaneously provides a solitary challenge as well as a joint one.

They reach the trail and set out, just in time for day to begin creeping out over the land. It’s early enough that there’s barely anyone there and it feels like they have this national preserve all to themselves. Matthew breathes in the fresh air and feels it rejuvenating him after too much time sitting in offices with its recycled air systems, or walking through a city with the inevitable smell of car exhaust. He lets the sound of leaves rustling in the wind, birds and insects chirping and the many thousands of sounds of woodlife that he just can’t see, rush through him and calm him. It’s familiar and safe, in a way that most things in his life right now aren’t. He can still identify certain birds from their call as well as the names of some trees and plants that they pass by.

Matthew’s family loved the outdoors. In happier days, his fondest memories involved camping with his parents and warm nights by the fire. It’s something that his father’s other family shared with theirs, which meant that whenever he and Alfred got a little too frustrated with each other or their Dad, they’d pack up and disappear into a place like this. Even now, retreating out here to a place where there were no buildings in sight, where he knew how small he was, served as his sanctuary. It was amazing how it lifted him everytime he came back out here - the smell of plants and trees, the physical exertion of putting one foot in front of the other. How it felt to sit on the rough surface of a rock when they took a break, the comfort of feeling dirt in his hands, of how he had to pay attention to every part of his body. Before he met Lukas, Matthew had forgotten what returning to this sanctuary was like, and he was thankful that being with Lukas gave him a reason to make time for this in his life again. That was probably why they were still together in some ways. Matthew feared that coming out here alone would ruin this last sanctuary the way this thoughts at night had now ruined his bed.

They take their time, stopping quietly to observe the birds that alight and sing from the trees, to let animals walk past safely. It’s easy, it’s nice, it’s the kind of peace that Matthew knows he has to fight to have more of in his life. And isn’t it strange that it’s something that one has to fight for when one’s life is effortlessly overwhelming?

Hiking is a meditative experience - the deep breathing, focus on the body, walking in something that was obviously larger than yourself…than you’d ever be. Distantly he wonders if this is in anyway comparable to what Alfred feels on the job. Matthew remains aware of Lukas, and they’d reach out for each other to steady the other if one stumbled, or slow down if the other was getting tired, but for the most part they match each other’s pace. Occasionally they talk about the week, safe topics such as the books they’re hoping to read, if the other knows what kind of plant that is, or type of bird.

By the time they reach the waterfall, the tension that suffocated the air in the morning is gone. Even with the conversation to come, Matthew can’t summon the same level of nervousness as before and he’s grateful. They make themselves comfortable, set up a tarp overhead and dig out food and camp cooking gear from their packs. It’s not fancy - bread and crackers, cheese and tea with assorted nuts and dried fruit. Lukas gets the small camp burner going as well as the small kettle for the tea and they sit together with the waterfall ahead of them, but far enough that its roar is not overwhelming.

“Thanks for speaking to Emil.” Lukas starts.

Matthew shrugs. “I’m glad I did. It’s nice to see that so many people love him. You, Mathias and even Daan offered to speak to him. I guess that’s why he feels he needs to be more independent. He hasn’t quite figured out yet that having support doesn’t make one dependent.”

Lukas pours out the tea with a dry laugh. “I think the issue is that everyone you just mentioned was mostly on their own, well, except for Mathias, but he was an only child so in a way he was on his own. Daan’s parents weren’t married, they just lived together for a while and had children together, then went where life took them. Daan didn’t have much growing up but he’s always taken care of himself and his siblings. Daan and Belle have a similar mercenary self-reliant streak and Christian looks up to them, especially Daan, so I suspect he’ll have his own version of it. So…Emil looks at us and thinks that you have to be alone to grow up, and it’s not like I was much better at encouraging otherwise.”  

Matthew nodded. “Are you sure you’re ready to talk about this? You look…” Unhappy was putting it mildly. It was the kind of unhappiness borne from trauma that one desperately tried to hide.

“You’re going to ask me about Mathias right?” Lukas responded.

“Among other things, if you’re ready to talk about it. I felt an urgency earlier this week but now that I know there’s more to consider here and it still affects you strongly…We can wait until you’re comfortable.”

Lukas let out a short laugh. “Matthew, no matter what happens after today, I’m going to be fond of you, so I’m going to speak to you about Mathias and these other things, and I’m going to ask you that no matter what the circumstance or what you feel about a person, that…” He reaches out and squeezes Matthew’s hand. “If it’s important to you, it’s important. Kindness is well and good, but if you’re kind at the expense of yourself, it doesn’t help anyone and I don’t want to see the anger you may be capable of because I abused your patience. So be honest if something bothers you. Don’t hide it for anyone sake.”

These were the most words at one time that Matthew could remember Lukas saying, which meant a lot. He found he had little to say, so he just squeezed the hand back and nodded. “I’ll try.”

Lukas nodded as well, looking at the waterfall in front of them as if gathering strength. “Well, Mathias and I were neighbours growing up. Expat communities tend to bundle together, and the Scandinavians are no different. But anything that involves the more complicated part of my relationship with Mathias has to start with what happened with Emil and my parents. You know we’re orphans.”

That had been the extent of Lukas’ early life that he had been told.

“Well, my parents died in that accident when Emil was still in middle school, and I wasn’t even in university yet. Actually, I was in the middle of my conscription when it happened. I was literally somewhere in the Norwegian Sea. I was Emil’s only remaining family and it was impossible get hold of me. I remember being called in to see the CO and wondering what catastrophe had happened. Even after hearing the news, it didn’t seem real. Of course, they couldn’t turn the boat around just for me. Arrangements were made, but by the time I was finally back with Emil…”

Matthew knew that the Bondeviks had been living in Canada, Lukas’ father also worked for NorgeOlje and was posted there by the company. Lukas’ mother was an artist, a painter from Iceland. Due to citizenship laws and Norway disallowing dual citizenship, Lukas was Norwegian, but Emil was both Icelandic and Canadian. Matthew can only imagine what kind of a mess it must have been, with three countries involved, not many extended relatives to rely on and Lukas not even being employed at the time.

“So he was alone for a few days.” Matthew stated.

“More. I had to get back to land, there are no direct flights between Norway and Canada, I couldn’t leave until the paperwork waiving the rest of my conscription was done and then there was…I’ll spare you the legal details. But yes, I couldn’t go to Emil immediately. I will forever be indebted to the Kohlers, Mathias’ family, for taking him in. For all that they did. I was never the most demonstrative of brothers to begin with, and Emil and I are both reserved by nature. Mathias was the brother he needed then, which he managed to do despite just having started working himself.”

There’s a broken voice and regret lacing those words and Matthew finally understands why Lukas is so protective over Emil, sometimes in contradictory ways - that he has to house and feed his brother, but doesn’t want his brother to feel overwhelmed and so discourages his boyfriends from helping him…unless it’s bad. Lukas doesn’t know how to make up for those lost days, and he’s been desperately trying to ever since.

“I came back and had to convince the courts to award me guardianship.”

“How did you manage to do that?” Matthew asked, honestly amazed. “You were citizens of different countries, unemployed…”

“I didn’t.” Lukas scoffed. “So the Kohlers legally adopted Emil.”

Oh. Mathias’ actions and the protectiveness that Lukas and Daan also seemed to exhibit over Emil now made more sense. “So…you went to university after that?”

Lukas nodded. “Because Emil now had a place to stay, I had the liberty to get a degree and maybe earn enough to actually take care of him one day. Thankfully university in Norway is free. There were living expenses of course, but those were manageable with me working odd jobs. But if I wanted to qualify for permanent residency in Canada and work and live here, it made sense to study here. I worked for a year in Norway, then moved back to Canada and started an MBA, which of course, is not free and I paid foreign-student fees. I got to stay with Emil briefly but then it was time for him to start university. Thankfully for Emil, even though he didn’t really get to choose a place for himself, Icelandic universities are also free, even if living costs are far more expensive, but he was happy there. My parents left us money, otherwise it would have been impossible. Also, we had so much help. Help and luck. Help that…again, I’ll never be able to repay.” Lukas sinks, looking at the ground, arms resting on his knees and all Matthew can do is run a comforting hand up and down his back.

Matthew absorbs all this and can understand why Lukas never mentioned it. He can’t understand why everyone else seems to think that Lukas ought to able to share this so easily. When Lukas looks up again, Matthew adds, “And Mathias, he helped didn’t he? He helped put Emil through university?”

Lukas smiled bitterly. “He helped me. I insisted on helping Emil, Mathias and his family had already done so much for Emil’s high school. I lived with Mathias so I didn’t have to pay rent or residential costs, while I was studying here and that’s when we…our relationship changed, while Emil was back in Reykjavik. Good times I guess, Mathias was quite a fast riser at LEGO before he burned out. I suppose that was my fault too.”

Matthew can’t help but let out a laugh. “He worked at LEGO? Seriously?”

Lukas had to laugh too. “Seriously. He designed new LEGO worlds and built those giant dinosaurs and ships and things that get displayed. Perfect match don’t you think? Though every night he’d come home complaining about how corporate life strangled the fun out of it, and there were always the pieces! Everywhere! All over the floor, I stepped on them so many I was always yelling so I’d vacumm them all up in revenge.” Lukas grinned, before the smile fell. “Maybe if it weren’t for me, he could have let himself enjoy it.”

There - for a brief moment, Matthew saw how happy Lukas had been. It was in the softness of his smile at the memory, which Matthew had never seen before. “How did…how does that lead to now? You and Mathias don’t really see each other do you? And you don’t like to talk about him.”

“The thing about gratitude is that sometimes, it silences you.”

Matthew frowned in confusion and tried to read Lukas’ expression. He failed. “I don’t follow.”

“Remember what I just told you about not letting your kindness let people take advantage of you? It’s also unfair to those who love you. Kindness can make you…fail to express yourself, fail to communicate and they will never know what you actually need. It was the same with me and gratitude. I felt like I owed Mathias and his family so much, I loved him but…I stopped talking to him, I couldn’t talk to him. And Mathias is…he has so much energy. He’s like a sun, a light that draws everyone to him because he emits so much warmth and adventure. I resented that. I could never understand his jealousy and possessiveness, when I was the one who had more reason to feel that way, but I swallowed that down too.”

Lukas let out a tired sigh. “It catches up, you know. The things you don’t say, all of those things, combined with my gratitude ended up making me feel trapped and imprisoned. The worse it got, the more jealous and possessive we both became. We were turning into terrible people, just by being together, so…I ended it. I had no idea who I was. My parents died when I was nineteen, the life I had planned for was off the table, everything was a mess. I convinced myself that I was living and working only for Emil for the following years. I knew I couldn’t find who I was if I stayed with Mathias, and I knew it would be worse for him if we stayed like that.”

“And so you stopped talking to him?”

Lukas looked a little ashamed at that, still staring off at the falling water. “I may have dated his cousin not too long after I broke up with him. A cousin that I knew he hated at the time.” At the look on Matthew’s face, Lukas added. “I don’t think I ever said that I was never going to be blameless here. But yes, Mathias was furious and since then…we’ve never…”

“You haven’t even been to the cafe?”

Lukas takes another nervous sip of tea. “I’ve seen pictures of it.”

A thought suddenly occurs to Matthew. “You don’t like maple syrup do you?”

Lukas let out a chuckle. “No. I don’t hate it, it’s nice, but I don’t go looking for it either. Interesting line of questions, from ‘what’s the story with Mathias?’ to ‘do you like maple syrup?’ immediately after.”

“Oh. I was just wondering if maybe those danishes he made for me were meant for you, somehow, indirectly.”

Lukas lets out a bellyfull of laughter at that, surprising Matthew but pleasing him all the same. It was nice to hear the laughter after such a heavy topic. “Mathias doesn’t work like that.” Lukas eventually got out. “He made you maple syrup danishes? Probably his thank you for taking care of Emil. He’s a horrible liar too, you’d be able to tell when he gave them to you if there was anything else he intended.”

Matthew shook his head, embarrassed. “Daan delivered them to me. So I didn’t know if maybe-”

But Lukas only chuckles. “Those two? Sure, Daan is better at lying, no, lying isn’t the right word. Deceit is the better word. But anyway, Daan is one a Partner in your firm right?”

Matthew nods.

“Unless he’s changed drastically, Daan is aware of what image and authority means when someone as young as him is in charge. He only sacrifices those when he thinks he can win a deal by doing so. There’s no deal here, so I’m willing to bet he was just delivering danishes, once again, as always, dragged into something, thanks to Mathias.”

Lukas looks out smiling fondly, lost in memory and Matthew only just realizes that he’s long since brought his own hands back to himself, resting on his knees in front of him. It’s as obvious as day, from the soft look on Lukas’ face, that he still loves Mathias. He always will, and now Daan’s words make sense, the warning and honesty. The advice that being together with Lukas may mean just accepting that a part of him will always love another man.

Matthew feels a sense of finality with this because he knows he can’t. He can’t accept being less than someone’s one and only. Maybe he’s being unreasonable, considering what he has to offer, but he can already feel the tendrils of romantic affection for Lukas shrinking away out of defensiveness. Maybe if they had a chance to know each other longer – if they somehow dropped their walls more naturally, if Matthew had time to more fully appreciate how comfortable Lukas made him feel or even if Matthew had a better idea of himself – a couple of years more, or a thousand other ‘what ifs’ and maybe Matthew would have found himself in love and able to accept this condition. But somehow even with that…he doubts it and besides, it hasn’t been years and the ifs haven’t happened. It’s been two months and Matthew has issues layered upon issues. He lays down on the dirt to look at the canopy and hints of sky beyond, and thinks of his mother living in happy (he hopes) retirement, walking the dogs in St Johns, of his brother living not only his dream, but the dreams of countless others while Matthew is simply satisfied with checking numbers.

“Are you that angry with me?” Lukas’ question interrupts his reverie.

“Huh?”

“You looked mad just now. And far away.”

Matthew shook his head, feeling too comfortable to move. “I’m not mad at you. I was just thinking I guess. I don’t feel…well I don’t really know how I feel.” He confesses. “I guess I can see why you never wanted to mention this before. Emil seemed to give me an impression that we were taking too long.” He laughs. “You’ve been together for two months! Why isn’t my brother wearing a ring?” He mimics.

Lukas looks taken aback. “What? He did not say that!”

“No,” Matthew chuckles. “Struck me as the sentiment though.”

Lukas nods. “I was desperate for something new with Berwald. And yes, Mathias and I had known each other for a long time but actually crossing the line from friendship to more had seemed sudden to Emil. I was trying to learn from previous mistakes with you, but maybe I couldn’t hide my impatience, or rather…it’s just that I’ve never really had to wait, or be the one to make the move. But, you’re a good man and I could see…us together and building something solid if I just didn’t mess up. So yes, I didn’t mention the past because I didn’t want to scare you away. Maybe that was dishonest of me.”

The words take Matthew’s breath away and he can’t move, speak or even think. The thought that he was considered so good, that Lukas was afraid of losing him. Even if it meant a little dishonesty. Well that felt entirely new too, so new he wasn’t quite sure he could believe it.

“Matthew?” Lukas’ face hovers over Matthew’s.

“I have issues!” Matthew blurts out. He can’t quite believe he said that but there’s no taking the words back now.

Lukas raised an amused eyebrow. “We all do.” He responds with his signature dryness. “Okay well, it’s your turn. What are Matthew William’s issues?” He too, lies down on the ground with a sigh of relief beside Matthew and Matthew is grateful that he doesn’t have to look at Lukas hovering above him to tell his story.

“Well, I’m luckier I guess. I have my parents at least, though they’re divorced. My Dad travelled to the States a lot for work, ended up having two families and I have a brother. Mama and I found this out when I was eight. Alfred is a year younger than me.” He shrugs. “I’ve never been able to understand it. Mama found out, called up Al’s mom, her name is Polly.”

“Polly?”

“Yeah, I call her Aunt Polly. People still have these types of names. Anyway, she called Aunt Polly and Aunt Polly thought that Mama knew and was okay with everything? And she’s hopping mad at Dad but loves him, so can’t they just continue this way? And somehow Mama actually agreed to try it out.”

He hears Lukas shift. “Wow. That’s…not where I thought that was going to go.”

Matthew let out a short laugh. “Yeah well it didn’t last. Aunt Polly is a sweetheart, but Dad didn’t change. It was almost as if he was given a ‘get out of jail free’ card too easily and just rolled with it instead of learning from it and well apparently the whole thing was about him promising to be a more honest man? I don’t have all the details and frankly, never asked. So, Mama realized that she just didn’t trust my Dad anymore. And she tells me anyway, that she has no idea what possessed her to agree to sharing a man, but she finally gave Dad an ultimatum - us or them. So Dad moved to America, and chose Polly and Alfred. Mama didn’t tell the courts that he was illegally married, in return for full custody. He tried to blame Mama for the separation over the years whenever I had to visit him, saying that he was kicked out, that it wasn’t as if he abandoned us.”

Matthew sits up, stretches and sighs. He now understands why Lukas kept staring at the waterfall. His nerves make him restless with adrenaline. Lukas thankfully, had reverted to his usual silence and didn’t rush Matthew for more before he was ready. “…Anyway, later on I found out about…polyamory which answered a lot of questions but still, it has to be open, respectful, honest. Dad wasn’t any of those things. He knew that it just wasn’t for Mama and didn’t want to lose her. I don’t actually blame Aunt Polly for anything, and it seems that the experience was good for my Dad, he was a better husband to Aunt Polly as a result of all that happened, and they’ve had boyfriends and girlfriends along the way since, oddly no takers for another marriage though, and that seems to work for them. But I just didn’t get it, still don’t and I think that still lingers, I didn’t know why we weren’t good enough for him, especially Mama. Once I met Al, I understand him leaving me but Mama?”

He heard Lukas shift beside him. “Do you really believe that? That he left because you weren’t good enough?”

Matthew fights tears, because yes, he absolutely believes that. There’s no proof and everyone around him can say all the sweet words that they want, but that’s what he believes. “Alfred was already everything Dad wanted in a son. Sure he said he loved me but that was out of obligation right? What father sleeps well at night admitting that he’s not all that excited about his firstborn? But every year I remember him telling me to get out more, play more, go on more adventures, live. When I met Alfred, I understood why.”

Somehow he found it in himself to talk about it, how Alfred was a genius and he was proud of him, but that meant that Al had finished university by the time he had turned nineteen and then joined NASA as an astrophysics genius and became a social-media celebrity when Matthew was still figuring out what he was good at. How people forgot about Matthew, all his life, after meeting Alfred, how he made the mistake of taking a year abroad in the US to get to know his brother better and the ‘friends’ he made used him to get to Alfred. How he had a lovely boyfriend during that time but even Carlos could never tell the difference. “I cut the year abroad short, just spent a semester, Alfred was mad at me and if he were still in school he could have applied for a semester abroad in Canada, but…he wasn’t in school. He had already moved to Houston. And right now, at this very moment,” Matthew looks up at the sky, though he knows it’s the wrong time of day the see the International Space Station’s steady light moving across the sky. “Now he’s on the ISS and he’s the youngest astronaut in space.” Matthew says with pride, this isn’t the first time he wishes he could untangle his feelings about his brother - the love and pride mixed with the hurt. “I’m fine when I’m on my own. When he visits though…it’s like all these things rise up to the surface, we end up being ridiculously competitive over the smallest things.” He laughs. “And I know it’s not actually his fault and we’re both old enough that we can’t blame Dad anymore. But…Al is like a sun that people can’t help but be drawn to, even if he pisses them off. He makes himself invaluable, he believes so much in the best possible version of humanity and fights for it. He makes mistakes and talks over you when he thinks he’s right, and he doesn’t always respect your space but he genuinely tries. That’s infectious somehow, he’s my brother and I’m proud of him, but oh my God, I’m the worst brother ever because we get along best when he’s not even on earth.”

Matthew feels the warmth of Lukas’ arm on his shoulders. He turns to see the other man looking up at the sky, where Matthew had been staring just a moment ago. “You won’t see it. It’s easier at night actually.”

“I figured.” Lukas shrugs and looks back at him, back to earth. “Matthew…have you and Alfred ever talked about this? For all you know, he envies you. Maybe your Dad yelled at him to be quieter and be calmer like his brother? As an older sibling with a bigger age difference who can remember the things said to me as opposed to my brother, I can definitely say that parents change their stories depending on the child. With two drastically different sons, I’m willing to bet that your Dad fell back on that, and no one was the wiser.”

Matthew considers it, and wonders why he never thought of it before. Probably because he had never confessed his true feelings about Alfred before, trying to be a better brother than he felt. It’s a hilarious image, a younger Alfred being told to just calm down and be quiet for a few minutes oh please. He can already imagine his brother’s reaction, knowing his natural competitiveness. Objectively, Matthew knows that Lukas is probably right. There’s little reason for Alfred to be as competitive as he is against Matthew otherwise, but personally and emotionally, the hurt has lived there longer.

“It makes sense.” Matthew admits. “But it does mean that,” He takes a deep breath, not wanting to say what he has to say, but he can’t lie either. “It means that in my personal life I’ve never wanted to feel second best to anyone ever again. Alfred probably responded by doing something that no one could hope to copy, work-wise. Me? I set my goals lower - I’m happy with being good at what I do, and my work actually affects people’s day to day lives, their jobs and whether they’re cheated or not. Al may be trying to save humanity by giving us a future in space, I’m happy with keeping us going in the world we already have. Admittedly, I feel appreciated here, I’m happy that Francis has fast-tracked me. I’m recognized here even if I’m not the best in the entire firm like, well, like someone like Daan, who makes Partner before even hitting thirty. Which is ridiculous.” He scoffs and Lukas tenses for a moment. It occurs to Matthew that he shouldn’t talk about Mathias’ boyfriend in front of Lukas, even if they were childhood friends of a sort. There’s a reason why Matthew hadn’t learned about that history until now and just thought that Lukas was Arthur’s friend. It’s not ridiculous to conclude that Lukas hasn’t spoken to Daan for as long as he hasn’t spoken to Mathias. “Sorry, I shouldn’t talk about them, I don’t want to hurt you.”

Lukas looks at him with those mysterious dark blue eyes that Matthew can’t read. He withdraws his arm. “Talking about them doesn’t hurt me. They’ve been best friends for a long time. I used to be jealous, admittedly, at the thought that Daan was comforting Mathias when I couldn’t, because I was the one who had hurt him, but that’s so long ago now. Now I’m glad Mathias had someone he could turn to, to help him when I couldn’t.”

They sit in silence for a while. Until Lukas says, “You’re going to ask me to talk to him aren’t you?”

Matthew laughs. “I can’t be the first to suggest it. Sounds like you want to and that makes sense I mean, it just seems to me that you guys aren’t…done. There’s so much that is unsettled, unspoken, assumed. The last time you both spoke to each other was years ago, and in anger, when neither of you were thinking straight. Now you both seem to be in different places in life and you seem to regret leaving things as they were, which is why everyone surrounding you both is still stuck in your story, waiting for it to…continue or end but none of that has happened. It would be different if you guys were resolved.” It’s a eureka moment for Matthew but Lukas recoils, his face looks terrifying but Matthew knows better. It’s not anger, it’s fear.

“I’m not saying that you have to march up to him today, but I don’t think I can be with you when there’s still this hanging question weighing on you. Mathias is the elephant in every room, even when I didn’t know about him, I could feel something tense, something I didn’t know but was important.”  
  
Lukas looks even more terrifying, but Matthew soldiers on.

“I’m not going to force you to do anything you don’t want to do,  I mean, I really couldn’t even if I wanted to. I do like you and I do respect you, and I think that…you’re amazing, I can’t really believe most the time that you give me the time of day. All I’m asking, if I even can, is that you just…speak to Mathias. Like…one on one, at peace, apologize, tell him you’re happy for him, whatever it is you want to say that you felt you haven’t done yet, to close this wound. If you can, when you can…when you’re ready to.”  

Matthew forces himself to hold Lukas’ steely gaze with one of his own. He knows he’s right, at least, that this is the right thing to ask Lukas to do for his own peace of mind. Based on what he saw of Mathias, he guessed that the man would be open to such a respectful conversation, if only to put things at rest. Mathias oddly, had seemed to be more at peace, having acknowledged the past and his feelings while Lukas it seemed, avoided it.

“Matthew.” Lukas responds softly, controlled. “I don’t know if I can speak to Mathias. I wasn’t joking when I said we were terrible people together. You haven’t seen us fight.”

“You both have a couple of years and growing with you now. Do you still feel as uncertain of yourself as you once were? You said you had to find yourself?” Matthew prods.

“I…” Lukas looks down and gulps. “Fine, you have a point. I’ll even say that I’m proud of what he’s done with his cafe, and getting himself back up. So I don’t want to ruin it, and he’s moved on. He doesn’t need the past weighing him down.”

“Neither do you. And if you don’t talk to him, the past will weigh you down. Not to be mean but I kind of care about you more right now than him, even if he makes damn good danishes. Remember what you told me earlier about kindness? And gratitude? And silence?” It’s a bit of a low blow, using Lukas’ words against him, but what was the point of sharing wisdom when you couldn’t handle it?

Lukas is glaring at him now but it’s not long before he just sighs, lies back and covers his eyes with an arm. Matthew doesn’t push the issue, so they remain in silence for a while.

The sun has climbed in the sky and the relative increasing silence of the birds and life around them tells Matthew that more people are making their way through the preserve, even if they haven’t reached them yet. Matthew mulls over his words and wonders about how he feels about everything. He’s glad that they’ve talked, and Matthew can’t really believe how therapeutic it is to have gotten these things out.

“So, just to summarize this.” Lukas eventually speaks. “We are on a break, until I speak to Mathias, and say things.” He glares at Matthew. “You know how I simply ache to talk about things.”

Matthew chuckles in understanding, while he himself doesn’t mind talking to people, Lukas seems to loathe it, which makes today memorable. Somehow, Lukas had decided to trust him. Matthew can only respond by being honest, still. “Maybe I’m mean. I don’t quite get why people think I’m niceness incarnate. Is it the volume of my voice?” He teases back. Lukas didn’t speak much louder than he did and no one ever thought him kind at first meeting.

“You have the face of a damned cherub, curly hair, big eyes and all. If we ever walk into a cathedral, I’ll take a picture and prove it to you.”

Matthew didn’t quite know how to process that. “This, coming from the man who literally looks like an elf from Norse mythology?”

Lukas just gave him a sardonic look that spoke loads, before shaking his head. “Fine, if I speak to Mathias, and resolve my feelings…if you’re still keen, we try again…”

His heart thumps in his chest, hardly believing that Lukas is even willing to try. “If you want.” He smiles, he can’t help the tiny flutter of hope in his chest even if a bigger part of his awareness is telling him that there will be no second try. “I suppose if we do we’ll have to keep this up - being honest, talking.” There’s an odd feeling inside, where part of him likes Lukas more than he used to, but the other part is well aware of Lukas’ unresolved feelings and is still holding back. But if…if Lukas speaks to Mathias, who has himself, moved on, and that gives Lukas the closure he needs for both him and Matthew to honestly try again? There are no guarantees in life but Matthew can see himself wanting to try, can see them making something good out of it.

Lukas however, doesn’t smile. “But if I speak to Mathias, and nothing changes…”

Maybe the light feeling was premature. “Even if nothing changes I’ll be here for you, but as a friend…” He sighs. “Because of my own hangups, I don’t know if I’d be able to develop feelings for you as you deserve. What you feel isn’t…wrong, I know that it’s normal for people to always have lingering feelings for others, heck even I sometimes just admire attractive people on a bus or train, but that’s nothing compared to this. Your lingering feelings are…they’re strong, and I’m not strong enough to just accept that.”

Lukas pulls himself up, shaking his head. “You have a right to ask any significant other of yours love you more than someone else. But since we’re doing this and I’m going to walk into that damned cafe and speak to Mathias because you’ve asked me to, you have to speak to your brother, and your dad, maybe your mother too.”

“What?!”

“You heard me.”

“That’s…three people! I asked you to speak to one!”  
  


Lukas just gives him a look and Matthew looks down, properly chastised, he knows what he said was silly. “Al calls me every other week from the ISS, I don’t want to bug him with this stuff while he’s up there doing spacewalks and spending 99 percent of his efforts keeping his very human body alive in an environment that is pretty hostile to it. But he returns to earth in three months’ time. I’m planning on going down to the States to spend some time with him, and of course I’ll see my Dad. I’ll speak to them then.”

“You can’t speak to your parents before your brother gets back?”

Matthew gulps. Lukas is right, there’s no excuse really. “What is speaking to them supposed to accomplish? We’ve put all this stuff behind us, the person who’s failing to deal with it is just me.”

“A therapist then. Whatever you need to do to realize how…good you are. How worthy, because frankly, even if I resolve everything with Mathias and came back to you, until you resolve that particular hang up of yours, we wouldn’t last anyway.”

The words strike him like a punch to the stomach, but Lukas doesn’t stop. “I know how jealousy starts Matthew, believe me, I know how it feels and how it works. I spent years feeling inadequate and hiding it with bravado. If you continue feeling inadequate, you won’t let yourself believe that I would want to be with you, and if you don’t break it off for some imagined reason, I would get mad because of the trust issues. Passive aggressiveness would ensue and the break up after it.”

Matthew has nothing to say, but he can feel the defensive anger uncurling in his gut. “So you have it all figured out then?!” Honestly didn’t he just say that he understood how it felt?  

“No Matthew. I don’t. And here the part where I also warn you that I’m horrible at comforting people.” Lukas lets out an exasperated sigh. “Look, I’m not even  asking you to resolve this immediately, that’s impossible. I’m asking that you be willing to try to. Just like how you know I wouldn’t be able to resolve this mess of memories I have with Mathias in a few days, months even. I’m asking you the same as you’re asking me - to try, to want to fix these things, and then, maybe, we can help each other through it.”

Matthew calms down, his anger dissipating as quickly as it rose because he knows that Lukas isn’t suggesting anything wrong, or unfair. He’s right really.

“Fine, I need to have a think on how best to tackle it. Speaking with my Dad may not get me anywhere, but maybe the…therapist, and I’ll definitely speak to Al when he gets back.” Matthew felt a little odd about the therapist. He knows he has hang ups but they don’t seem serious enough to take a therapist’s time away from people who really need them. Not to mention, spilling out his insecurities to a stranger?

Lukas holds out a hand to help Matthew up and he grabs it. “We have our quests then. But for now, with the sun this high, let’s head back.”

There’s an awkward silence at first but the hike back is long. The same lull and peace that calmed them on the way in, worked the same on the way out. Matthew is grateful, and wonders if he fell into the trap of underestimating nature, believing that if he wasn’t careful, he would lose another sanctuary to his thoughts. He gazes at the boreal forest and its tall trees, older than he will ever be, bigger than he will ever be, have witnessed things that make his own personal problems insignificant. He thinks of the preserve he’s walking through, how awe inspiring it is, and revels in the sensation of being a tiny part of something bigger than himself. He feels inspired, real, and oh so small. Even if he messes up, it really isn’t the end of the world. Matthew smiles to himself with the knowledge that no matter what happens, there’s still one place where he can find truth and peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if Matthew and Lukas are kinda OOC? It’s tough to write two characters who don’t like to talk much when they have to have a talk. But I tried.
> 
> Also, I realize that I’ve been making up company names but LEGO is LEGO.


	5. Chapter 5

From: <Daan deBoer, PARTNER, ADV> <daan.deboer@pkde.ca>

To: <Matthew Williams, MANAGER, ASSUR><matthew.williams@pkde.ca>

Subject: Lunch today?

 

This was not the email Matthew expected to get this Monday morning, or ANY morning. There’s no message in the body, though Matthew supposes the question is simple enough to fit into the subject. Then again, he’s just woken up and isn’t thinking properly. Matthew observes the still too bright screen from his phone while he’s still bundled in bed and wonders if he’s imagining things. Then he notices the next unread message in his inbox.

 

From: <Francis Bonnefoy, PARTNER, ASSUR><francis.bonnefoy@pkde.ca>

To: <Matthew Williams, MANAGER, ASSUR><matthew.williams@pkde.ca>

Subject: <Calendar Invite: Lunch 12.00>

 

Time: 12.00

Location: Salad Sirens, XX Street

Text: Matthew, let us discuss a few things at lunch today.

 

Matthew groans and forces himself to stand up from his bed. He’s strangely popular this Monday morning. Well, work-wise, Francis takes priority, he approves Matthew’s salary after all, so he shoots off a quick response to Daan, telling him that he’s booked for lunch.

He checks his text messages and finds one from Lukas sent at a ridiculously early hour, asking if he’s free for dinner. That is extremely odd and has the ring of emergency to it, so Matthew agrees and suggests a place.

By the time he’s done with his shower, his phone has another message from Daan already sitting in his inbox.

 

From: <Daan deBoer, PARTNER, ADV> <[daan.deboer@pkde.ca](http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=mailto%3Adaan.deboer%40pkde.ca&t=NTg1NjI2NDIzNjg2ZmYyZmUxM2I5MGEwZTA1OGZjOTE0OTMzMjhmMCxGQUVjZW92VA%3D%3D&b=t%3A-GgwYpfsmgCXl4mehL0cMA&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnedcanquen.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F160403674662%2Fchapter-5-mr-7th-floor&m=1)>

To: <Matthew Williams, MANAGER, ASSUR><[matthew.williams@pkde.ca](http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=mailto%3Amatthew.williams%40pkde.ca&t=NDE0YjNkYWQ3MWFkYzU5Y2IxZDcwYWM1ZDBhNTNlNjVhMDFkOThmOSxGQUVjZW92VA%3D%3D&b=t%3A-GgwYpfsmgCXl4mehL0cMA&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnedcanquen.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F160403674662%2Fchapter-5-mr-7th-floor&m=1)>

Subject: Re:Re: Lunch today?

Dinner or drinks tonight? Or lunch tomorrow?

 

In his confusion, Matthew drops his phone. What’s so urgent that it can’t be put into text but needs Matthew away from the office? Why is he so popular today? He pulls open the curtain just to make sure there’s no obvious calamity happening and shrugs. He has to tell Daan that he’s not free tonight either, or for lunch tomorrow, since he has a client meeting, but the day after is the best he can do. Matthew sighs, he is NOT looking forward to another Advisory proposal, but there’s not much of another reason why Daan would…

Wait.

Oh shit. But there was no way that Lukas had already spoken to Mathias?! Or was there?! Shit! He was so focused on Lukas on Saturday that he had completely overlooked the fact that while Mathias may have seemed to accept moving on from Lukas, that didn’t mean that his boyfriend was entirely confident. Though Matthew couldn’t see what was wrong with encouraging closure, he wasn’t so naive as to believe that Lukas being anywhere near Mathias’ radar wouldn’t affect Daan. Matthew rubs his face in his hands in frustration and curses Arthur for lack of anything else to do. Did Arthur have any idea how complicated this would be when he introduced him to Lukas?

Matthew splashes his face with cold water and forces himself to breathe. ‘Calm down, stop jumping to conclusions’ he thinks to himself. Daan may want to speak to him for any number of reasons, Lukas may want to see him tonight for any number of reasons. Don’t assume the worst.

His phone lights up again and he checks his inbox with dread.

From: <Daan deBoer, PARTNER, ADV> <[daan.deboer@pkde.ca](http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=mailto%3Adaan.deboer%40pkde.ca&t=NTg1NjI2NDIzNjg2ZmYyZmUxM2I5MGEwZTA1OGZjOTE0OTMzMjhmMCxGQUVjZW92VA%3D%3D&b=t%3A-GgwYpfsmgCXl4mehL0cMA&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnedcanquen.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F160403674662%2Fchapter-5-mr-7th-floor&m=1)>

To: <Matthew Williams, MANAGER, ASSUR><[matthew.williams@pkde.ca](http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=mailto%3Amatthew.williams%40pkde.ca&t=NDE0YjNkYWQ3MWFkYzU5Y2IxZDcwYWM1ZDBhNTNlNjVhMDFkOThmOSxGQUVjZW92VA%3D%3D&b=t%3A-GgwYpfsmgCXl4mehL0cMA&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnedcanquen.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F160403674662%2Fchapter-5-mr-7th-floor&m=1)>

Subject: Re:Re:Re: Lunch today?

Day after tomorrow it is. Meet you in the lobby at noon.

 

Well that’s anticlimactic. Matthew laughs at himself, he was panicking over nothing after all. If Daan was pissed off he would be calling, since it’s too early for Matthew to be at work, not politely emailing lunchtime requests. Still, it is an opportunity to give Daan a heads-up that he had asked Lukas to speak to Mathias, and he had no intentions of interfering in Daan’s own relationship, but he strongly feels it is something that Lukas and Mathias have to do for all their sakes. It hits him then that Daan probably will never be ‘Mr 7th Floor’ again. Even if Matthew and Lukas don’t end up dating, they’ve told each other too much to be less than good friends, and Emil is legally Mathias’ younger brother. Heck, even if Mathias and Lukas don’t reconcile, Matthew can’t ignore the personal connection he has with Daan now. Shaking his head and putting those thoughts away for later, Matthew prepared for work. He wondered if a silly office crush and a stalking department was something worth mentioning to Lukas at all? If it is, it’s probably only something worth mentioning if they ever started again for real.

Matthew mulls on that - the break. Now that’s he’s had a day, a carton of ice cream and a run that was so exhausting his muscles were still protesting, it occurs to him that other than ‘we may be back on if we solve our issues’ is still really vague. Is he in a relationship or not? Is there a time limit of any kind to keep them honest? That was probably why Lukas wanted to see him. Well, he could agree to that.

Once he’s in the office, Matthew sets up his laptop and opens the list of promotion announcements. He’s been a manager for two years now and to his knowledge, he hasn’t screwed up. In fact, these past two years have been successful career wise, with all the jobs he’s won and projects he’s completed. His personal life and mental health were another matter but hey, that had nothing to do with his job. 

Except…

Matthew can’t find his name anywhere on the promotion list. He’s read through it, carefully, line by line three times now, even keeping an eye out for possible misspellings.But he hasn’t missed anything, he’s simply not on it. No one from his department has a name under the ‘Associate Director’ title actually, but if any manager is getting promoted, it would be him, as the most senior one here. 

He sees Arthur’s name under the very short list of new Partners and closes the window on his laptop. He looks up to see Michelle standing by his desk with a worried look on her face. “I can’t believe it. Maybe there was a mistake?” She whispers.Matthew shrugs as casually as he can. They can’t ask Francis now, the man is in a Partner meeting, but at least now he knows why his Partner wanted them to have lunch together.Michelle is not happy, and she frowns at Francis’ room. “Well, maybe ask him about this because…Matthew, you’ve been working your ass off. You deserve that promotion!” 

Matthew just stares at his laptop. He’s not sure how he feels - upset? Relieved? He’s sacrificed the ability to sleep in his own apartment, and more, large sections of his very self to push himself out of his comfort zone to be what the firm needed him to be. On the one hand, what was all of that for if he was ultimately forgettable? Not good enough? His nightmare come true. On the other hand, if he were promoted, wouldn’t it just get worse?

Michelle was still talking but her voice echoed, through his ears. He could hear her but her words had no meaning. Nothing had any meaning.

“‘Scuse me Shell, I need to…I need to take a walk.”

She doesn’t stop him. Neither does Ha, who walks up to him as if she’s about to say something to him but stops after seeing him. He must look a fright but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to be around people right now, hah, good luck getting that in a city. He wants his forest, he wants the trees. He wants solitude and most of all he wants to rip off the mask he’s worn the past two years that promised so much and hasn’t given anything. Of course not? His mask never actually promised anything, he just convinced himself that it did.

Matthew ignores everyone on his way out and brusquely exits the building. There are parks in the city - not ideal but they’ll have to do for now. Matthew usually avoids them because they’re filled with smokers, who have somehow claimed a monopoly on ten minute breaks and outdoor spaces but it’s early enough that no one should be out yet. Heck, the workday has barely begun.

It’s a brisk twenty-minute walk to the closest patch of green with its winding paths and benches, where there are still occasional joggers and other random strollers. Matthew tries to find the most secluded corner where the leaves haven’t been swept and the bench is still covered to sit down. He leans back and looks up at the sky, through the scant covering of leaves and the silhouettes of skyscrapers above. Each concrete rectangle looks similar to the next.  Each filled with thousands of people like him, dressed in the same corporate costume, just like him. This is what life is. He supposes he’s lucky he’s not a woman, otherwise the necessary costume and mask would include cosmetics and makeup - the literal ceremony of putting on a mask in the mornings and washing it off at night. Matthew isn’t sure if he could take that. He thinks of his mother…it’s been too long since he’s visited, since he’s gone home.

He doesn’t want to see the skyscrapers so he leans forward and rubs his face before looking down at the green grass under his shoes. In a fit of rebellion, he slides his feet out of his leather shoes and places them, sock-clad, on the grass itself, revelling in the spiky feeling under the softer flesh of his soles.

Matthew breathes. It’s nothing compared to the forest, but even in this small park, he imagines that the air is a little better than in the parts of the city that’s got more buildings than green. Matthew just does that for a while, he doesn’t keep track of time - breathes. Breathes in and out, in and out, again and again until he starts to feel a sense of himself again. He doesn’t look at his watch.

Then he laughs. ‘I’m angry and upset for not getting a promotion I didn’t even want.’ He admits to himself. But it’s not really about that, it’s about his fears finally coming true, Francis realizing that Matthew isn’t worth the trust he had put in him, to promote him so quickly to Manager, and now tell Matthew that he’s not ready for the next big step. He had given it his all, and it just wasn’t good enough. Heck, Francis and Arthur used to throw things at each other and that didn’t stop Francis from promoting Arthur, so what the hell did he think was lacking in Matthew?

He leans back and lifts his legs to sit cross-legged on the bench and people watches for a little while - hundreds of people walking by, driven, living, not seeing. They’re plugged into their headphones, they’re on their phones, they know where they’re going. The only people in the park appreciating the greenery, besides him, are the smokers, and isn’t that ironic? Because no one is there for its own sake, they need the nicotine craving to give them an excuse to be there. Matthew has no idea what the purpose of these thoughts are, only that it helps to focus on something that isn’t himself. He looks up at the sky, at the space station he knows he can’t see, and wonders what it would be like to never feel this level of self-doubt.

Out of habit, Matthew reaches into his pocket, and realizes that he left his phone at his desk. He looks at his watch, he’s been out and uncontactable for about an hour and a half. By the time he returns to his desk, two hours has passed and he checks his messages. Michelle and Ha give him worried looks but seem to sense that it’s best to leave him alone.

There’s no disaster, the world hasn’t crumbled. No one has noticed that he skipped out on work for two hours, except his own team but they don’t seem like they’re going to do anything about it. He’s never been so unprofessional, throwing a silent tantrum over a promotion that wasn’t guaranteed in any way, though he is peeved that Francis never expressed any displeasure to him, so that Matthew could work on whatever the issues were. Right now though he feels worse than he did when he first realized that his name wasn’t on the list, because disappearing for that long is unprofessional. People had personal crises all the time, they didn’t disappear from work. Maybe he would take emergency leave for the rest of the day, if he was going to be this affected by things. Maybe he should reschedule dinner with Lukas, because he can’t imagine being good company right now. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. He shoots off a quick text to Lukas and tries to at least send out the congratulatory emails to the others who have been promoted. Jack, the friendly Australian Manager from Daan’s team, has been promoted to Associate Director. Somehow that knowledge makes Matthew feel even more inadequate.

It’s childish to give his boss the silent treatment, so Matthew decides he ought to say something. “If I’ve disappointed you, which clearly I have, I just wish you had said something at some point in these past two years so I could have worked at it. Though,” He sighs, “Maybe we’re just not on the same page and you said it and I just didn’t understand without realizing it.”

Francis smiles fondly, with pain. “Matthew…I am the one completely in the wrong here. I failed to properly guide you, and now to make up for it, I have failed to promote you.”

What? Matthew can only look at Francis in confusion because he’s not psychic like the Partners seem to be.

“Matthieu…” Wonderful, when Francis gave up on the English and switched to the French, you knew a heavy talk was on the way.

“I’m afraid I’ll need you to explain this to me, completely.” Matthew responds, switching languages as well.

“Are you happy?”

Matthew closes his eyes and rests his face in his palm, because he can see where this is going to go. “Right now? No. Obviously.”

“Matthieu.” Francis chides.

Matthew sighs. “In the past two years, especially last year…it has been difficult. But, normal I think, for the opportunities we had, the work we did. Me, adjusting to a management role, finding something that works and fits,”

“But does it fit?” Francis asks, eerily perceptive. Matthew can’t answer. “Matthieu, don’t think I haven’t noticed how unhappy and drained you have been. It has only become worse and worse. The more you win, the more you succeed, it doesn’t fuel you. You sit right in front of my office, I can see the evidence of it everyday - it kills you more than sustains you.”

Surely ‘kill’ was an overly strong word, but Francis was the dramatic sort.

“Mattieu, it is all too easy to pretend to be someone we are not sometimes, in this job. It’s easy to believe that we have to be different than who we are. But that is not true and the longer we play a role, the more it damages us. Also, our clients are not stupid. They know when they are being lied to.”

Lied. The word twisted Matthew’s stomach and brought a bitter taste to his throat. It was the word he avoided at early hours of morning, unable to sleep - liar, fake. But he knew better than to trust the voice in his head that always doubted, so he pushed it aside.

“Francis, I appreciate your attempt to communicate, but surely you know that ‘kill’ and ‘liar’ are exaggerating the issue, and frankly, for someone who seems to be concerned with my mental health, those exaggerations are not helping.” Maybe he’s being too curt but he does appreciate that he is able to have honest conversations with his boss. “Yes, these past two years have been filled with adjustment. Yes, if not for my role I wouldn’t choose to present myself in the way that I…sometimes have to, to do my job, but Francis, that’s normal. I’ve been through the training, and who we are at work isn’t the same as who we are when we go home. Has my work been terrible? Have I actually lost you a client because, as you said, they felt I lied to them or deceived them?” Matthew doesn’t realize he’s gesturing as much as he is until he notices his arms are off the table, his hands open, asking why. “You promoted Arthur for God’s sake! And he either threw something at you or got you so mad you threw it at him. I assume because despite your personal differences, you knew he could do his job. Have I ever failed to do my job?”

Matthew can’t quite get everything he ought to say out. Some things are just too personal. He can’t tell Francis that one reason why he’s so dedicated to this team is because it is the first place he has ever felt valued and appreciated, so he doesn’t mind sacrificing a bit of himself to be here, but if Francis is telling him now that he isn’t good enough to be promoted…it hurts. It’s beyond hurt. It’s like stepping on thin ice on a foundation that just yesterday felt solid.

Francis is giving him that searching look that Partners do and Matthew is about tired of it by now but makes himself breathe and calm down. He knows underneath this all, fair or not, Francis seems to care about him, Matthew’s happiness and mental health, so he has to give his boss that much credit at least, even if he’s doing terrible things to Matthew’s self esteem.

Francis lets out a humorless laugh. “You are not Arthur. That man would not know what it means to be happy until after the feeling has left him and all he has to grasp is regret. That was also years ago, maybe I made a mistake promoting him.” He shrugs. “Not by any conventional rules of success of course. If we followed every rule book there is, then you are right, as your boss I have the responsibility to purely promote you based on your achievements and how well you meet your KPIs. But I think the rulebook is outdated and only promotes one particular personality type. People are diverse, we shouldn’t be forcing them all into a mould. I have seen too many good people burn out of this team and this firm. People who burned bright when I hired them, happy, hopeful, energetic. I have seen those lights dim under my watch until they inevitably leave, because we all followed the rulebook. And sometimes the story ends well - they find their place somewhere else, they find their true calling and happiness again. But sometimes they also remain burnt out and half dead for years, always doubting themselves, no matter how much help they receive…maybe even for the rest of their lives.”

Matthew thinks about the people who have come and gone. Burned out as Francis has said, worked till the end of their tether and energy. They were usually the most cynical and exhausted people by the time they had left. Was he becoming one of them? “So let me get this straight. You didn’t promote me, because I’m…unhappy, and you don’t want me to be irreversibly unhappy?” The words still come out a little too aggressive, it’s not that Matthew doesn’t appreciate what Francis is trying to do if this is the case, only that if this was the case, Francis should have pointed it out ages ago.

“It sounds…” Francis sighs. “I admit the execution is lacking but that is precisely what is happening here. Matthieu, you are an excellent manager. By all rights, you deserved that promotion, but…I had fast tracked you before anyway and there are two promotion cycles a year. In six months, if you still wish to stay with me and this team, and you still want that promotion, it is yours. But I hope that in these six months, you take some time to yourself and figure out what works for you, so that you can do this job and not be so deeply unhappy. Find a way to…not kill yourself to live a half life.”

Matthew could understand what Francis was encouraging but, “This is unfair to the extreme, you understand that don’t you Francis? My career is being put on hold, contingent upon me not only doing my work well, but also being happy in front of you.”

“Not just in front of me, just happy!”

“Still Francis. That is a lifelong effort!” Maybe he’s too tired, but right now he just feels like this is ridiculous. “I’m…I know you mean well Francis, I feel the same about what you said, that there is a particular personality-type that makes it to management, and…fine it’s not mine. But you could have promoted me and had this same conversation with me about changing that. You know that right? It’s not even like I’m going to be doing less, I’ve already been doing the job of an Associate Director.”

“But now you have an entirely justifiable reason to take a step back. If I had promoted you, and spoken to you about this, would there really be any incentive to change? Or would you, because you are you, start doing the work of a Director, take on more responsibility, become more entrenched in this…persona you have made for yourself and maybe walk into my office one day with a resignation letter because you saw no other path for your own sanity? And after that…disappear? You have no idea how many times I have seen this, perhaps when you are a Partner, sitting in that room with the well-being of people in your hands, you will understand.”

Matthew had no words left, at least to speak aloud. There were too many running through his head. He did vaguely feel better that Francis said ‘when’ you are a Partner, still at least exhibiting that much faith in him.

“What happens now is up to you but Matthieu, I am here if you need more guidance, more clarity. I understand that I may lose you because of how this was done but…believe me when I say I would not like that. I have taken this risk because I am concerned for you.”

Matthew can’t put it together so he just finally takes a bite of his salad.

“Maybe take the rest of the day off?” Francis suggests and Matthew can’t disagree because he doesn’t think he can work today, but they remain in relative silence afterwards.

After lunch, Matthew packs up and goes home.

* * *

 

It’s tough but Matthew doesn’t turn on his laptop or look at his phone. He thinks about doing it but he’s simply exhausted. He didn’t want to acknowledge how exhausted he’s been until his boss flat out told him and gave him an excuse to be exhausted. The first thing he did after unlocking his door was to drop his bag on the floor next to it, and leave his phone, watch, keys and wallet on the kitchen counter to collapse onto his bed. He didn’t know how much time had passed because there wasn’t a clock in his room (he used his phone). He had no idea how long he had spent staring at the off-white ceiling and the lightbulbs staring back at him. It was kind of fascinating to observe the tiny cracks in the paint, or the corners where white turned to blue - the color of the paint on the walls.

When he bought the place he had dreamed of slowly redoing the place, find an interior designer he liked and spend some money at the expense of personal pleasures to upgrade his place, one section at a time. He never got around to it - too busy, and he had never found a look that he liked, well, except Mathias’ cafe but he still wasn’t wrapping his head around making his home look like a cafe.

A thousand thoughts ran through him - maybe he should drive to the woods and walk it off. Maybe he should go for another run while the weather was still good, go for an extra workout in the gym. Stuff his face full of pastries. In the end, he couldn’t lift himself out of his bed. He didn’t even realize he had fallen asleep until his doorbell rang and Matthew opened his eyes to the dim light of early evening.

Rubbing the grogginess from his eyes, Matthew rolls off the bed after the doorbell rings a second time and he calls out a sleepy “Coming!” Before stumbling over to his door.

It’s Michelle and Ha, of course, and to his surprise, Emil is with them.

“Thank goodness you’re alive!” Michelle admonishes as they stride in.

Emil though, just gives him that Bondevik stare before saying “You look like crap.” He pulls something out of the bag he’s carrying. “Cookies and Cream?” Ice cream. Matthew laughs and waves him in. His eyes fall onto his phone screen.

_13 missed calls_

_108 unread messages_

Oh.

“Sorry, I fell asleep, I was just exhausted when I got home, didn’t even realize it until you rang the doorbell.”

To his surprise, Emil is pulling out more tubs of ice cream from his bag. “I didn’t know what you liked so I just got some popular ones.” At the look on Matthew’s face, Emil blushes a little and turns away. “I think…these I’ll put into the freezer for later in the week.” He loads a full three tubs in there, filling up all of Matthew’s freezer and leaves a fourth out for consumption, Matthew assumes. He feels bad for making a junior staff member think that he’s so out of sorts he needs to eat ice cream and only ice cream for the rest of the week.

“I’m cooking dinner!” Ha exclaims and pulls out a load of fresh greens from her bags and starts throwing open his kitchen cupboards for pots and utensils, while Michelle steers him over to his living room and pushes him down onto the sofa.

“Do you want to talk about it or ignore it for an evening?” She asks point blank and Matthew looks over to the kitchen where Ha is busy and Emil is looking on in curiosity at what she’s cooking.

“I don’t want to ignore anything but…I just don’t know what to think right now. Shell, do you…” He doesn’t know how to ask. “Are you happy working here?” Does she struggle with sleep the way he does? She always seemed so cheerful, but Michelle loved hospitality and chatting with people, making them feel warm. It was a wonder why Francis hadn’t promoted her.

She shrugs. “For now it’s decent. Pays my bills and takes care of me. I don’t consider myself Partner track though so getting promoted or not matters less to me. I’m here for the experience. One day I want to own a business of my own and I’m learning what I need to know here. Maybe because of that, I just…I don’t know, I’ve never felt as invested as you seemed to be. When I feel ready, I’m resigning.”

Matthew looks over from their hushed conversation to make sure that Emil was out of earshot, he doesn’t want him to get too discouraged. But he and Ha were fairly invested in the cooking, so it appeared fine to keep talking.

“You’ll make Partner Matthew. Under Francis, or with someone else. Unless you leave the firm too.”

“Someone else?”

Michelle scoffs. “I don’t know why he didn’t promote you Matthew, but you’re right to be angry and Francis has crossed a line. Have you noticed that we haven’t had any Directors or Associate Directors since we joined? That’s five years! Francis doesn’t like sharing the glory. Look at that Partner we met a couple of years ago - your 7th Floor’s sister? She had to leave Francis to make Partner and I’m pretty sure she was in the same batch as Arthur. Do you think Arthur would have made Partner under Francis? If Francis doesn’t value you, you don’t owe him any loyalty, you can find someone who would. And hey, Arthur probably needs more people on his team.”

The thought alone makes Matthew dizzy and exhausted again and he has to put his head down. The words also sound mutinous and Matthew wonders if Michelle is thinking of a move of her own. It would be sad to see her go.

“Too much?” Michelle asks gently.

“Maybe. I think…I still need to process it and…well maybe he was lying but I don’t think so? Francis said he didn’t promote me because he was worried about me.”

Michelle looks angrier and confused. “How does that even make sense?”

“Apparently I look like I’m working myself to death and a promotion with a warning wouldn’t have been good enough to get me to step back, but under these circumstances, I’m perfectly allowed to give him the finger, step back a bit and figure things out - how to work at my level without harming myself and if I figure it out, I make AD in six months.”

Michelle sighs, looking torn. “I hate that it’s a stupid move that Francis is totally capable of with the best of intentions. But still, what I said before is still valid, it’s still not fair, and if you don’t figure out work-life balance to his standards in six months you’re still a manager? That’s ridiculous. If we know Arthur, he’ll approach you soon now that he has the authority to. So…I know it stresses you out but be prepared for that.”

Matthew rubs his eyes, thinking of Daan’s continued lunch requests and sighs, somewhat disappointed with everything. “Now that you mention it, it’s possible he already kind of has.” He tells her about Daan suddenly wanting to see him. “I didn’t think about it when I was doing Maplecorp, but I think that whole training thing with Daan,” he stopped to give her a look at her giggles. “As I was saying, I think that was Arthur indirectly trying to convince me to transfer but he couldn’t really ask me directly. You know Arthur, he likes to insult directly but otherwise he needs to drop hints and you have to approach him. Honestly! Between Francis and Arthur, it’s just…”

“What about Daan? In all seriousness Matthew, not as the guy we laugh about but…you know, the crazy accomplished Partner who is only a few years older than us who seems to be straightforward, doing well, and from what I could tell when he visited our department, doesn’t have a negative opinion of you.”

Matthew tries to wrap his head around the question, exhausting as it is. “I don’t want to make career changing decisions right now Shell, I’m not in the right headspace for it.” Thankfully there’s another knock at the door. “Back in a second…”

It’s Lukas.

“You weren’t answering your phone, I know you wanted quiet time tonight but also I wanted to make sure you were alright?”

Matthew laughs, relieved and opens the door wider. “I thought I needed quiet time too but it looks like company is just as good, if you don’t mind?” He wonders if Lukas knew about Emil coming over with Ha and Michelle, because Lukas doesn’t like to be unexpectedly dropped into a social situation.

The two brothers greet each other, and Matthew can’t understand what they’re saying but there seems to be an undercurrent of tension.

“I bought ice cream.” Is all Emil says in English before walking over to the cupboards to pull out plates and bowls to help Ha plate up.

Lukas nods and turns back to Matthew. “I won’t stay, I’ll let you catch up and vent with your work buddies. When I couldn’t reach you earlier I asked Emil to walk by your desk to see how you were doing. He told me about what happened, well, at least what he knew about it.” He looked on edge in a worrying way.

Matthew shrugs. “I didn’t get promoted. It’s not that big a deal except according to my boss, he didn’t promote me because I’m not a ray of sunshine. Well, because he’s afraid I’ll burn out.”

Lukas’ frown deepens. “That may be a valid concern but has nothing to do with whether or not you’ve earned a promotion.”

“It’s…complicated. Anyway, you sure you don’t want to stay for dinner?”

Lukas nods. “I’m sure. I’d like to speak to you though, just you, as soon as you feel up to it?”

Alarm bells are ringing in Matthew’s head but he tries to shake them away. “O…kay.” He looks at Lukas with concern, but Lukas simply smiles, or tries to.

“Enjoy tonight?” Lukas squeezes one of Matthew’s hands. “You deserve to laugh to and smile tonight, and if I’m here you’ll all watch your words…especially Emil.”

Maybe he’s overreacting again, letting the worst possible thoughts run riot in his head. Matthew forces himself to relax. “Dinner tomorrow?”

“Sounds good.” Lukas’ voice is toneless as he turns to leave, but stops. “You look happy and you have good friends. I’m glad.”

Dinner was so pleasant, and other than efforts to slowly draw Emil out of his shell, conversation flowed smoothly. In fact, Matthew slept well that night, for the first time in forever, after bidding everyone farewell. In the morning he gleefully tossed some of Mathias’ danishes into the oven, which Emil must have brought along with the ice cream, and ate it on the way into work. He wasn’t ready to speak to Francis about his career, so he pushed aside all conversation about it, determined to tackle it over the weekend, maybe with a solitary hike. His team seemed to sense his mood and thankfully didn’t mention anything. All in all, other than Arthur’s phone call, where the man raged on his behalf (used the excuse to swear like a sailor about Francis and drop some not-so-subtle hints about the new team he needed), Matthew was able to pretend that nothing was amiss.

This odd state of distraction, out of all his efforts to avoid his disappointment , left Matthew with little room to realize other obvious things. Which was probably why he wasn’t prepared for dinner with Lukas.

“You spoke to Mathias?! Already! Wow, that was…” Matthew laughs. “I’m behind unfortunately, I haven’t spoken to any of my family members since we spoke on Saturday.”

They’re back at his apartment, enjoying a dinner for two, which was takeout because Lukas had offered to cook fish soup, which did not in any way appeal to Matthew for that evening.

Lukas looks pensive and nods. “The thought ran through my mind all of Saturday, so I figured,” He shrugged. “It wasn’t going to get any better, so I visited the cafe on Sunday morning.”

Matthew puts his fork down, leaving the ribs alone to give Lukas his full attention. “How did it go?”

Lukas doesn’t look at him, which makes Matthew worry a little - is Lukas mad at Matthew for asking him to confront Mathias? Did the conversation go badly? Or…

“What made you think that Mathias and Daan were together?” Lukas asks instead of answering. It’s a question so far out of left field and Matthew answers without even thinking about it.

“They live together? I’d seen them before, years ago, cycling together, I dunno, they seemed really comfortable with each other despite how um, annoyed Daan was when I saw them at the cafe…” Lukas doesn’t fill in the silence, only stares at Matthew, curiously. “Why?”

Lukas takes a bite of his salmon and chews thoughtfully. Apparently the salmon wasn’t great. “They’re not together in any official way, they’re housemates.”

As if the week didn’t already give him a large enough shock, with the lack of his promotion… “What?! Why would a Partner need to split a mortgage? It's not like they're young kids sharing a place together to make rent.” Now that he thinks of it, it kind of makes sense that two childhood buddies would share a place but mostly when they’re at the beginning of their careers, not when one was a profit-sharing Partner and brought in multi-millions a year in one of the world’s largest branded firms and the other ran what was likely the hottest new cafe in a fancy part of town.

Lukas’ mouth twitches into a restrained smile. “It’s Mathias, if he doesn’t have to live alone and be bored out of his mind, he much prefers company, and… it’s Daan. If that man can save money, he will save money, no matter how much of it he already has.”

“Despite the bunnies.” Matthew doesn’t know where that comes from but Lukas laughs.

“You know about the bunnies? You must be quite close to Daan.”

“No,” Matthew bites out. “Mathias told me about them and it’s …I don’t actually know Daan all that well. The bunnies don’t really fit the image the firm knows so they stick out to me, but…okay…” The obvious is starting to hit him. “So you spoke to Mathias, and you found out that he’s not involved with his best friend…”

“He’s just not involved with anyone, period.” Lukas is looking him straight in the eyes now. “And we’re not…” He sighs. “It wasn’t an easy conversation to have with him, but it was an important one. We’re, well, we’re trying to be friends again, but Matthew, I’d be a liar to both you and myself if I tried to deny the fact that…”

Matthew gives up on his cutlery and rubs his face. He’s not surprised, he never expected Lukas to stay with him, though the weekend’s request of a break had given him elated hope. Maybe if he hadn’t fought so hard since yesterday to maintain his self confidence after being passed up for his promotion, this news would sit with him better. As it is, Matthew is ready to give up - not good enough as a son, at his job, or as a boyfriend apparently, to be considered the best at anything. He bites his lip and stubbornly pushes those thoughts away - he knows the spiral they lead to and he’s not going to fall into that while Lukas is here.

“My feelings for Mathias have never changed.” Lukas continues, emotion tinting the usual monotone, his voice breaks occasionally as he struggles to keep controlled and say what he needs to say. “I tried, I honestly tried to move on, to put that chapter behind me but, I’m afraid, it’s always been him. That scared me. It’s about time I stopped being scared of that because it’s clear that feeling isn’t going anywhere, and the longer I do, well it doesn’t do anyone any good.”

Matthew pushes his plate away, places his elbows on the table. laces his fingers together,  and rests his chin on his knuckles, entirely focused. It’s a little too…meeting room professional, but by this point Matthew doesn’t know what other persona to draw up as a defense. Lukas doesn’t seem to need that, and Matthew realizes that while Lukas is not that much older than him, the extra two years is enough to give him maturity and confidence that Matthew wishes he has - because Lukas doesn’t need a persona. He’s just sitting in front of him, confident enough to be vulnerable and be honest with him. Matthew has never seen this look on Lukas’ face before - fond but sad, regretful yet…

Lukas is relieved. He looks like a great burden is lifting itself. Matthew wishes he knew the secret.

“So we’re breaking up, conclusively tonight, so you and Mathias can try again?” Matthew doesn’t know if it sounds harsher or more…incredulous than he intends, but he can’t help it.

Lukas pushes his plate aside too and takes a deep breath. “No. We haven’t gotten there. We’re just trying to be friends again. I’m breaking us off conclusively because, while two days ago I thought I had it in me to be fair to you, after speaking to Mathias again…I know it just wouldn’t be right. Even if Mathias decides he’s much better off not being romantically involved with me, it won’t change my feelings. And you deserve someone who…for whom it will always be you, no matter what. Matthew, you’re perfect in so many ways, I wish I could convince you of it, but unfortunately, I know  I’m just not the one who’s going to do it.”

Matthew wonders why this is the week of being perfect but just not good enough - he’s never made a mistake these past two years at his job, but still can’t get promoted. He’s the perfect man, but just not for Lukas. He thinks of the tubs of ice cream in his freezer and is simultaneously grateful to Emil and also a little sorry that the poor guy had to keep it to himself and sit at dinner, forcing himself to smile and not break the mood. He thinks of Mathias, so obviously lovestruck, and all this time not attached. ‘Just trying to be friends again’, yeah right. Maybe Lukas thought so, but it was clear even to Matthew that with this newfound realization, there was very little chance those two wouldn’t end up back there. And maybe it was a good thing? It wasn’t any of Matthew’s business anymore at least.

“Well, good luck.” That’s all Matthew can say, it sounds cold and dismissive even to his own ears. “Are we finishing dinner?”

“Do you want to?”

Matthew laughs, there’s no humor to it. “No offense but, my appetite’s gone. So that's why Emil bought me a month's worth of ice cream. Is Emil on good terms with your other ex too? Mathias’ cousin?”

Lukas blushes a little and shrugs. “Legally, Mathias is also Emil’s brother, they never lost touch, and Mathias and Berwald made up some time ago. Berwald actually helped Mathias design the cafe and Emil saw that whole process so…yeah. How about that.”

Matthew shakes his head. “I need time Lukas.”

“I understand.”

Lukas still stays to help Matthew clean up the table and dishes before he heads off. Right before walking out the door, he stops and turns. “I know this is a shit week Matthew, but it’s really not because of anything you did or didn’t do. It’s just bad luck.”

Matthew doesn’t say anything, he wants his alone time now.

Lukas looks sad, and reaches out until he notices how stiff Matthew is at the thought. He brings his hand back to himself. “Take care Matthew, and if I may ask, please reach out when you’re ready to, if you want to.”

Matthew somehow can’t bring himself to close the door until Lukas and even the echo of his footsteps are long gone. “Good luck.” He says the words and means it this time, but says it to empty air, which is turning salty in his nose with the onset of tears. He wishes he had thought of saying it again before Lukas left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry Matt.
> 
> It gets better from here though?


	6. Chapter 6

Matthew doesn’t know why he’s once again, riding the elevator to his desk. It’s an odd kind of detachment, he’s controlling his body but he isn’t. It’s on autopilot, but mostly because he doesn’t know what else to do when he wakes up that morning. Well, he doesn’t really wake up, because he hardly slept in the first place, so he went for a run. After the run failed to do whatever it was he wanted it to (he had no idea), Matthew showered and got changed for work. The best explanation he can give himself is that it’s routine, and routine is comforting right now because he doesn’t have to risk thinking - down that path led to ugly doors and ugly thoughts. Still, Matthew’s brain isn’t the type to just fully shut off, it needs something to be distracted. Right now, between Francis’ command that he take a step back from work, the reality of fighting his personal demons over his lost promotion and lost potential relationship, or being a workaholic, the latter was sadly, the much preferred option. He knew how to work, he could do it on autopilot, but perhaps his mistake hasn’t so much been being a workaholic, but that he’s been focusing on the wrong thing.

“Patrice, Sylvie, sorry for the short notice, but how about we change our setting and have a brainstorming session?”

His team has been walking on eggshells around him all week and it’s not healthy. It’s one thing for his unprofessionalism to affect himself, but it crosses a line when it affects everyone else. It’s time to fix that. He’s lucky that the team is pretty self-sufficient but still. Patrice smiles and nods while Sylvie looks relieved. That’s a good sign at least. To continue the positive mood, Matthew decides to completely change their scenery. They pack up their computers and walk to the building across the street to set up in the firm’s bar.

The PK&DE bar is actually located on the opposite building of the one where he usually works - an odd halfway measure to compromise PK&DE’s rapid growth - they had to rent floors across the street to seat everyone comfortably. On normal days the extra walk can be frustrating, but today it turns out to be a good thing because the distance liberates him in a way and he can be the mentor that he needs to be. He still takes pride in being a professional and the work that he does, the lack of a promotion wouldn’t hurt otherwise, but he hasn’t been doing a good job of being that professional in the past two days.

Their productivity is off the charts that morning, so this is definitely a good call. Sequestered away in their own corner, Matthew walks Patrice and Sylvie through the process of actually resolving the issues they raise in their audit reports based on what they’ve learned from sitting with the client for months. Well, Patrice should be promoted to Manager soon so he’s been through this before, but for Sylvie it’s still a process of being given knowledge. She needs more experience before she’ll be able to connect the dots. Without exposure to sessions like these though, there are no dots to connect. It’s not good enough to write a long audit report and flag problems. PK&DE charges a premium because they’re supposed to be able to deliver more. Clients were not receptive to inane textbook issues and answers after putting up with you sitting in their office for months, digging through all the paperwork of the past year and knowing that audit findings could cost them their jobs. If they raised an audit point, it had to actually be something worth raising, and something worth raising, needed a worthwhile solution.

They’ve drawn mind maps with a spider’s web of linkages and scribbles on several pieces of A3 recycled paper that’s been taped together and covers two tables. They could do it on a computer, but there’s some kind of connection that the brain makes when you physically draw something out, especially drawn out this big when you’re discussing it at the same time. It helps to make sure that Sylvie is adding her own notes to the mind map as well so she feels invested and can therefore contribute more to the process - she’s the one literally sitting at the client’s and reading through every single document they have, so she is the one with the most knowledge here.

Having the issue illustrated in front of them also makes the knots somewhat easier to unravel. Matthew is already drawing links to where the problems are and potential solutions lie and he can coach Patrice and Sylvie towards them as much as he can without giving the game away. For Patrice he’s mostly teaching management skills by this point, so really it’s Patrice doing most the leading with Matthew jumping in occasionally and filling in whatever gaps are missing.

Matthew feels better already, and it’s good to be reminded of these rare moments of accomplishment, hidden behind the many more moments of frustration behind office politics or administrative paperwork that otherwise takes up his time. Matthew does care about his team, and it’s likely a more healthy driver, to be driven by working with good people, rather than believing that your life is worthless if you aren’t the best at everything. It’s easier said than done though. It also doesn’t take away the reality that Matthew is an introvert by nature and part of the reason why today is working out so well is because he’s only sharing space with two people, rather than everyone in the department, as much as he likes them. It’s also a lesson in trust, he knows that sometimes he takes on too much of the work because he doesn’t want to overwhelm the younger staff. He does less of that now, but he needs to figure out better ways to do that more often and let them have the hands-on experience for themselves without him abandoning them. Some things you have to let people experience and fight through for themselves after all.

“You could have booked a meeting room - those have whiteboards for you to play with.”

They turn and greet Ha, who’s walking to them. Matthew is grateful that she hasn’t sat him down and demanded that he leaves Francis, or asked him what he feels or needs to do. Matthew supposes that she just knows he needs some time to calm down. After all, he knows her well enough to know what she would do in this situation - fight tooth and nail then leave (she is terrifying if you get on her bad side), but he’s not Ha, or Michelle, or Arthur for that matter. Matthew wishes more than occasionally, that he could be more like Arthur, or Daan, or even Alfred when it comes to work, if he’s being honest. It would certainly make things much easier, but he’s not. He’s just Matthew, and it’s exhausting to try to be someone else.

But ‘exhausting’ is oftentimes still easier though, because now he has to re-figure out who ‘Matthew’ is. Today seems to be a good start on that.

“Meeting rooms are all booked, I already tried.” Matthew responds. “HR is on a hiring push. I don’t want to interrupt the hopefuls. What’s up?”

“Lunch?”

Matthew looks at his watch - it’s 11.55 already, where has the time gone? Ha is looking over at their mind map and Matthew has to shake his head. “You guys go ahead. Thanks for coming all the way to get me but,” He wants to avoid potential uncomfortable questions over how he feels, which may come up at a lunch setting but not an office setting. “But I think I want to keep working on this. I can grab something here anyway.”

But Ha just smirks and winks, she’s looking at his computer screen now. “No need to lie Matt, I can keep a secret you know.” She whispers, giving a sly grin to both Patrice and Sylvie, who look confused but dangerously intrigued.

“What?” Matthew asks with some worry.

“Oh so he didn’t tell you two?” Ha asks Patrice and Sylvie.

“Secrets Matthew? I’m hurt.” Patrice jokes and Sylvie just smiles, waiting for the punchline. Yeah, Matthew wants to know it too.

“It’s exciting but don’t you think it’s a little too soon?” Ha is leaving the question open ended. Too soon after what?  

Matthew still has no idea what she’s talking about. Something nags at the back of his mind though. Ha’s expression slowly changes as she realizes he isn’t lying.

“Your calendar Matt, it’s showing a lunch appointment with Daan deBoer at noon.” She waves her hand at his screen.

“OH SHIT!!!”

“OH WOW!”

“WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!”

Somehow all of this was exclaimed at the exact same time. Matthew forgot. How had he forgotten lunch with Daan?! Fuck fuck fuck, it’s 11.56 now, and it’s lunch hour he’s going to be late because the elevators are slow as molasses uphill during lunch and of course this is the day he decides he has to work in the OPPOSITE building! It’s too late to send a message now and all he can do is run. “My computer! The mind map!” It’s confidential, all of it, and yes these are technically the firm’s grounds but Matthew hasn’t locked his laptop to the table as IT policy insists he does and they follow a strict clean desk policy.

“We’ll take care of it Matthew! We’ll bring everything to your desk, just GO!” Ha yells.

Matthew is a good head taller than her but he’s not going to argue with that tone or expression so he sprints out of the bar and desperately presses the elevator button several times. He had barely looked at his laptop all morning, since he was so focused on Patrice, Sylvie and the mind map, and with how much he had shut down parts of his mind, fighting between indulging in the voice that emphatically berated him for being forgettable and not good enough and stamping it out with everything else, he had plain forgotten. It was embarrassing to the extreme. The elevator doors finally open, filled with disgruntled and hungry workers but Matthew pushes himself in anyway.

He’s not a small man. Usually it’s not a problem, but now he gets some stares, no doubt annoyed at him for insisting on entering a full elevator, but Matthew spares them that as soon as the doors open by sprinting out the doors. The building doors slide open fast enough and he can see Daan standing across, as he promised, in the lobby of the opposite building and looking at his watch. Matthew knows he’s late, Matthew knows that Daan has a reputation for hating tardiness when he’s in Canada, Matthew sprints across the street and hopes that he can be forgiven for a few minutes since this is the first time they’re having an appointment.

Matthew doesn’t see the car. He sees Daan look up with a frown on his face that quickly turns into alarm. Then he hears the horn, the screech and burnt scent of stressed brakes and a car taps him just enough to make him fall off balance onto the road, more from shock than any actual impact. He lands on his shoulder. If the car doesn’t stop, there’s nothing to save him, but thankfully it doesn’t move. Matthew lets out a breath and realizes that he doesn’t feel hurt, it’s just the smell of engine and rubber that’s assaulting his nose and eyes. He looks up at the nose of a silver Porsche and hears someone wailing from inside the car. Matthew rises so fast he feels dizzy and has to lean on the car hood for a moment, but his main concern is making sure that whoever’s in the car is unhurt from such a sudden braking, especially in a car this powerful. A shocked blonde man with somewhat disheveled, but mostly slicked back hair is sitting on the driver’s side, holding a smaller crying man with auburn hair.

Footsteps run up beside him and Matthew feels himself manhandled off the road to the safety of the sidewalk. He looks up to ask the person to release him, he’s being held with a desperate grip on the forearm that he didn’t fall on and it’s not helping - oh. It’s Daan. Of course it’s Daan. And he looks absolutely livid.

“WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!”

Matthew opens his mouth but no words can come out because at this proximity, Daan’s angry voice sounds like it has an echo. Matthew also doesn’t appreciate being yelled at, but he has to admit that what he just did was pretty stupid and dangerous, and not just to himself. A car door slams and Matthew turns to see that the car has pulled over to the side and the blonde driver has stepped out of it. It wasn’t an echo, it was Daan and this man yelling at him at the same time. “I’m sorry.” He says to the other blonde man, who looks uncomfortably familiar.

“And you…” Daan glares at the approaching man. “Are you blind as well as fu-”

“Daan it hurts.” Matthew says calmly, tensing the arm where Daan is still gripping tight. It’s an exaggeration, Matthew can take pain, but he’s finally remembered who the two men in the car are and he doesn’t want Daan to say something absolutely career-killing over a dumb mistake that Matthew made.

Daan stops mid-rant and looks back at Matthew, bewildered, as he drops his hand. “I’m sorry. But damnit Matthew-”

“Luddy!” The formerly crying man has stuck his head out the window completely, and is calling out from across the road. It didn’t look like Daan was going to get to finish his sentences, for that, Matthew is grateful.  “Everyone’s alright? I have tomatoes in the back, let’s feed everyone tomatoes! All will be well!”

What? That is the most random thing Matthew has heard today but he also hears some laughter from the crowd that has gathered at the lobby and on the side of the road. ‘Luddy’s’ face lights up with a slight smile, so it seemed to be the right words to break the tension. Until today, Matthew has only known of Feliciano Vargas by reputation. He’s a male socialite who is a social media celebrity and has a reputation for randomness with a strong streak of social genius. This is a man who can act stupid and do stupid things but make a lot of money off of it. He understands people in a way Matthew knows he never will.

“Oh…joy.” Daan seems to murmur to no one in particular and doesn’t look particularly joyful. Matthew looks back at Daan while Daan looks back at him with wide eyes. He tugs Matthew closer and says more calmly. “You’re lucky to be alive. If it were Feliciano behind that wheel, and not Ludwig, you wouldn’t be.”

“He is right about that.” Ludwig Beilschmidt, Managing Partner of Heta&Lia, approaches them. He had taken over as Antonio’s successor after a scandal. A man built from completely different cloth from Antonio, Ludwig was an Assurance man all the way, just like Matthew. He was likely selected to give his firm undoubted integrity after that mess, and his famous husband gave Ludwig some degree of likability, even to those who thought he was too stony. But the ‘stoneman’ only ever melted for his ridiculous husband. Seeing has how he had inadvertently made Feliciano cry, Matthew now knows that if he ever wants to change jobs, he may as well cross the entirely of Heta&Lia off his list. “Are you alright?” Ludwig asks.

Matthew blinks in surprise. “I was going to ask the same about you and your husband. I’m alright, you barely tapped me.”He holds his arms up, as if to prove it. Other than some minor scrapes and bruising that Matthew can feel, he is fine. The reality is exhilarating. Thanks for…” Not driving over him? “Stopping, that was entirely my fault, I’m so sorry.”

He could say a lot more, how his mind has been anywhere but present this whole week, but it sounds silly now. Matthew can barely contemplate how sad it truly would have been if he had died in some meaningless accident with his mind anywhere but here, sad and upset about his life. “I really haven’t been…I’m sorry. If there’s any damage to your car…” Matthew gulps, even a minor problem on a Porsche would probably be monumental.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Daan scoffs. “Ludwig, he’s one of mine. He was running to meet me. If there’s a problem, let me know.”

“No!” Matthew objects, but Ludwig simply nods.

“I checked just now. There is nothing. If my brakes were to break over such a thing, Porsche should not be selling cars. And Feliciano and I are alright. You really have no idea how Feli drives. I actually hope that this experience will instill some sense into him.”

Daan lets out a snort. “If you believe that, there’s a bridge I’d like to sell you Ludwig.”

“Hey!” It’s Feliciano again, who seems to have snuck up behind them, holding a small box of the tomatoes he promised. “I offer you tomatoes and that’s how you repay me? They’re free tomatoes Daan! Don’t you like anything that’s free?”

Amazingly, Daan rolls his eyes and cracks half of a sarcastic smile. “Yes, yes, and you only care about food and fashion, Ludwig is stupid and has no sense of humor, Matthew here is niceness incarnate and oh what else have I forgotten? I received coupons for all my birthdays and went Dutch on every date.”

“I do have high food standards! Don’t pretend you don’t agree!” Feli teases, dropping the box into Daan’s arms. “And don’t you dare go Dutch on this date, this guy almost got run over just to see you!”

The words fall on Matthew like a ton of bricks.

“Fe-Li…” Ludwig grumbles.

“What?! Oh give me a break! The whole industry’s been repressed since Antonio! It’s ridiculous!”

Ludwig sighed but his lips are still upturned, fond. “It is not ridiculous Feli, and not everyone who eats lunch together is on a date. I’ve also explained why, multiple times, that what they did was-”

Feli waves his hand with an impatient flourish. “It’s a job Luddy! A job! You can always find a new job but your soulmate? That’s for life!”

They’re all silent for a few beats then, and Matthew can’t quite believe how unbelievable this week has become but here it is. It has cumulated into his narrow avoidance of being manslaughtered by the man in charge of a rival firm, who’s being told off by his husband for thinking that Partners should not tie up people to their desks to publicly have sex with them. Okay, fine, Matthew is being uselessly pedantic, that’s because he knows Feliciano’s words are going to echo uncomfortably with him for a long time. There really isn’t any argument one can put up against what he was saying, which is why they’re all standing there uncomfortably and Ludwig finally takes his husband in his arms and starts murmuring something that Matthew assumes is Italian but with an odd accent. Meanwhile, Daan simply rolls his eyes and begins studiously gazing at the label on the box of tomatoes in his arms - a funny distraction, but at least he has one. Matthew is quite jealous of him in this moment.

“Right, well…” Matthew decides to say because he needs to get out of this awkward situation right now! “Thanks for the tomatoes, I think I’ll get going.”

“Wait!”

“What?” 

Ludwig and Daan both yell at him the same time. Ludwig wants him to wait it seems, while Daan looks equal parts worried and offended.

“I mean…” Matthew desperately waves at Daan. “You’re hungry aren’t you?”

Daan just gives him an exasperated look while Ludwig sighs loudly. “At least let us take you to a clinic to get checked out! You cannot simply go walking on back to work!”

Oh right. He looks at the husbands and for some reason feels even more exhausted at the idea of dealing with them for any longer. On any other day he could do it, well no, any other week. But not this week. Feliciano is…a little too much honestly and Matthew feels exhausted at the thought of having to deal with him for more than five minutes. Ludwig is…well the sad part is, he’s kind of the role-model of any auditor and Matthew isn’t so sure he likes the image of Ludwig as his future self. Also, the codependency they exhibit - he’s not sure if it makes him jealous or makes him cringe. “Thank you but I’m really really..ready to move on from this. I’ll take myself to the clinic, I promise I’m absolutely fine.”

Ludwig looks like he’s about to object so Matthew squares his shoulders and puts more authority in his voice. “If I have any other questions or feel odd for any reason, I will get a hold of you. I really appreciate everything, truly but you’ve done everything you can - most importantly, you didn’t kill me. No one is harmed.”

Ludwig at least gives him a sympathetic look. Matthew feels that the man can understand him at that moment. “Right. Well, enjoy the tomatoes.” Ludwig says. “Matthew, if you feel odd for any reason, definitely give me a call and I will organize a visit to a specialist for you.” He hands Matthew his card, even though Matthew can likely find him through an online search. Then again, he sees the handwritten mobile number written on it and takes the card. It does help, having the direct line rather than having to jump through unnecessary hoops.

“And Daan.” Ludwig turns to Daan. “If it makes you feel any better, they are good tomatoes. You know how picky -”

“Yes, yes.” Daan cuts in tersely. “Even psychopathic nutjobs can have hobbies and be good at them.” He waves farewell immediately after, and Matthew does the same, pondering those words.

After some polite farewells, Ludwig and Feliciano turn to leave, then Daan calls out, “Wait, Feliciano, how is your brother doing?”

Feliciano turns with a warm smile. “He’s happy Daan. Happiest I’ve ever seen him.”

Daan just nods. They leave and Matthew wonders what that was all about. Daan hands him the box before he can ponder too deeply. There’s a giant label on the side that boldly displays the brand ‘LOVE’S TOMATOES’ that temporarily confuses him.

“Wha?”

“You’ve kind of earned them, I mean, you did survive getting hit by a car and Feliciano isn’t lying when he says he’s picky about his food. I saw the trunk when he opened it to get these, the whole damn thing is full, no wonder he’s trying to give some away…” He rambles. Daan rambling, this week has gotten odder. “Honestly though, are you alright? I’m sorry for grabbing you earlier.”

Matthew can only nod. “It’s okay, I mean, I feel alright, but after lunch I’m going to a clinic just to get checked out, and then I’m definitely going home. I’ve learned my lesson. This is the type of week where I should just stay in bed.”

Daan laughs and nods. It occurs to Matthew that Daan is uniquely positioned to know about all of the blows Matthew has suffered this week, and maybe that’s why he wanted to speak to him.

“Well that’s good at least.” Daan says. “But why don’t you go now? I’ll come with you. At the very least, you need someone to help you carry a box of tomatoes.”

Matthew shakes his head and also finds laughter bubbling out from himself. “This is the most random thing, ever, I mean…”

Daan shrugs. “That’s Feliciano and Ludwig for you. The most unlikely, sickeningly sweet couple you’ll ever meet. You’d expect that level of mutual codependency to explode but it seems to work on them. You know they’re actually childhood sweethearts? Poster childs for choosing to stay together and accept change…a lot of it.”

Matthew has to smile at that, he doesn’t believe in two people staying together no matter what if it causes more pain than good, but Ludwig and Feliciano seem especially happy together, despite their differences.

“Which is also why Feliciano never had to grow up, well, they’re both kind of unevenly matured, to be honest. Ludwig is emotionally constipated because Feliciano can project enough emotion for three people and Ludwig handles all the responsible things, like drive in the city, so that Feli doesn’t accidentally kill anyone. But they’re happy.”

Matthew smiles and shrugs. “Well, to each their own. Anyway, I can put the box in my car, I’m not parked too far.”

Daan nods and they set off. “You know,” He starts, not too long into their walk. “If you need to be late, that’s…fine, I know it happens. Just let me know ahead of time.”

Matthew doesn’t want to admit that he forgot their lunch appointment, so he just nods and smiles out of habit, before he realizes that he’s too tired to continue swallowing things down all the time. Besides, as significant as Daan is to the periphery of his life, if Matthew is going to offend the man, he may as well do it now with some honesty rather than later when it would actually hurt.

“Uh yeah about that…I’m sorry, I was having a brainstorming session with my team and we got carried away. I completely forgot and didn’t look at my phone or computer or anything…”

He tries to bury his face in the tomatoes  but that’s not a good solution. From this close he can see how good they are though.

“Alright then,” Daan shrugs. “That happens too, but when it does, I’d like to imagine that whatever I’d lay on you is better than this. If it’s not, well, just say so.”

And that was that. Simple, except there are weeks where Matthew is willing to put up a fight and weeks where he’d rather avoid one. Still Matthew is relieved, yet he wants to kick himself for his habit of making mountains out of molehills. It’s a little funny that Daan thinks it’s so easy for anyone to just tell him anything, but maybe it is for his actual team members.

It’s strangely comfortable and companionable after that, having Daan as a walking partner on these familiar streets. As nervous as he is, Matthew doesn’t really want their conversation to stop, though right now it’s inane and work-related. Daan is kindly not bringing up Mathias and Lukas, or the fact that he hasn’t been promoted, maybe because he’s also recovering from the fact that he almost saw someone get run over. He seems a little…overly engaged, like he’s trying too hard.

When they reach the car, Matthew’s much more humble twelve-year-old Ford pickup, at least in comparison to a Porsche, Daan takes the tomatoes so Matthew can get his keys to open the car.

“Do you need me to drive?” Daan hesitantly offers. “In case you’re still shaken up?”

Matthew let’s out a chuckle. “Thanks but, no offense, you seem more shaken up than I am. Box can go in the back seat, thanks.”

“Hey!” Daan objects. “You’re fine now, wait till the adrenaline disappears! You’ll be exhausted in seconds. Also…I don’t really like driving, that’s where more of the nerves come from.”

What? “Really?!”

Daan shrugs. “I can drive, sure, but I feel better when I’m cycling. Driving a car feels too, hmm, stressful. You’re always surrounded by idiots.”

“I don’t see how cycling on the same road as those idiots with no protective casing or air bags makes that better.” Matthew retorts honestly, now a little worried. He knew that Daan liked to cycle but not this much.

Daan smiles and climbs into the passenger seat next to Matthew. “I’ve been cycling for as long as I can remember, it’s like walking or talking for me, I’ve been driving for far less years. My reflexes are better on a bike.”

“What about winter?”

The man shrugs as Matthew climbs into his own seat. “It’s the same as winter driving - you change your mindset, make sure you have the right equipment…” He shrugs. “And if it’s really bad out then yeah fine, you can’t cycle, but you can’t really drive either. It’s not that big a difference.”

There kind of is. “Buying groceries?”

Daan gives him an incredulous look. “I’m just one guy, I don’t need a car to hold them all, and my housemate,” It’s the first mention of Mathias all day and Matthew imagines that Daan says the word rather pointedly. “Buys his own stuff. If we’re really desperate we get a supermarket to deliver. How much do you eat at home?” He teases.

Matthew can’t really imagine life without a car at all, so finally he settles on, “If the heating in your building goes out in winter, where do you run to so you don’t freeze to death?”

Daan laughs. “That has never happened, but I guess if it really came down to it, the cafe isn’t too far from where we live and it’s a different building.”

Matthew gives up, if Daan can’t see the correlation between Matthew’s recent near accident and literally cycling everywhere… “Right, well, we’re going to the clinic. If you get hungry, holler and we’ll stop there first instead?” Besides, if Daan avoids driving to that extent, he’s not trusting the man with his car.

“Nah, clinic first.” Daan answers the unspoken question as he buckles his seatbelt. It’s all so casual, as if they’ve been friends for a long time.

Matthew nods, figuring that both of them wouldn’t really have an appetite right now. “Then take out and we can eat at my place, and then I’m serious! I’m asking the doc for the rest of the week off and I’m not leaving my bed!”  

It’s only after he says it that Matthew realizes what he’s just done, but he can’t hit himself in front of Daan, so he starts up his car instead.

 

* * *

The doctor gives Matthew the rest of the week off, a clean bill of health save for some scrapes and bruises (as expected), sleep aids and at Matthew’s final hesitant request and brief discussion, a referral to a therapist. Matthew has no idea if it’ll actually be effective, and his promise to Lukas is probably not binding anymore, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t a good idea. Maybe it was almost getting run over earlier in the day, but Matthew is willing to think a little differently, even if he’s still hesitant to make life-changing decisions in the heat of the moment. He’s not actually going to get the rest of the week off, there’s too little notice, but Francis said that Matthew can claim the lost time back. Matthew is grateful but he wonders if time will allow him to actually do that. Or if he wants to. He still doesn’t know what to do with free time or with himself. There are meetings he has to ‘attend’, which he will do by calling in or video conferencing, and he’ll work on urgent deliverables in the quiet of his home. Backup plans were made, emergency texts were answered as much as possible. Now all Matthew has to try to do is relax a bit.

Lunch is terribly indulgent, but hey, if you can’t indulge after surviving a near-death experience, why live? They pack two giant burgers from Harveys and head over to Matthew’s flat (Daan actually insists on paying for the burgers - survival comfort food, as he calls it). It occurs to him that since this crazy week started, he’s had guests over for three days in a row. His dining table is being used more than it has in years. With the exception of the previous night’s unpleasant ending, he was always happy to welcome these friends into his home. He also knows that at some point he will be ready to welcome Lukas into his life and home again, it’s not like he wouldn’t open the door if Lukas knocked on it tonight after all. But Matthew had never been nervous with these other guests. That is not the case with Daan behind him as he opens his door. Daan is probably the last person he ever expected to end up in his home.

“Right well, it’s humble, but it’s home.” Matthew hangs his keys on the hook next to the door and feels at a loss for a moment, not having a heavy bag to set down either. He had texted Ha earlier as well to help him bring his stuff over afterwards.

For now though, it is nice to come home without the added weight of his laptop hanging on his shoulders.

“Thanks for having me,” Daan says, somewhat formally after walking in. “Uh do we need plates?”

Matthew laughs nervously. “We’re going to rough it, straight from the wrap, if you don’t mind.” He really didn’t feel like doing the dishes afterwards. He also really didn’t know why he invited Daan over without thinking about it, at that moment he had just desperately wanted to retreat home. “But if you want plates, they’re in that cupboard over there.” He points it out.

Daan shrugs with an amiable, “Wraps it is.” And places the box of ‘Love’s’ tomatoes on the kitchen counter. As Matthew walks over to his table with the takeout, Daan calls out. “Want some fresh tomatoes with that? They’re pretty good just sliced up with olive oil, salt and pepper.”

There are already tomatoes in the burgers but okay, he may as well experience how good these tomatoes are, presumably grown by Antonio Fernandez-Carriedo. It had been years since he had thought of the man, but he supposed Feliciano did have a point. Ever since the scandal, inter-firm relationships between management and any kind of junior staff seemed to have shuttered to a halt, at least publicly. If Matthew were younger and had first had his crush on Daan after the scandal, he probably would have been allowed to forget it. Heck, he wouldn’t have admitted to it in the first place, 3am or no.

“Sure. Salt and pepper’s on the table, olive oil in the cupboard above the stove on the right, knife’s in the drawer next to the sink, uh, second drawer down.”

It was a miracle he had maintained some semblance of adult life in the past year, but he’s grateful for it now. He doesn’t know if he’d be able to live it down if he had invited Daan back to a cluttered flat with piles of things carelessly tossed everywhere, which was the state that he lived in before he had an honest conversation himself one day about how he wanted to live. It also helped that he had been having guests recently; he had just cleaned up yesterday for Lukas. Still, none of these musings prepared Matthew for the sight of Daan doing extremely domestic kitchen things in his home.

It’s odd, and Matthew tries to ignore the confused beating of his heart in his throat because he’s simply too…fascinated at the sight of Daan with his sleeves rolled up to his elbows and cutting tomatoes. His Partner persona is not really present. It hasn’t been since the near-accident, actually, now that Matthew thinks about it. He just can’t stop observing. At this moment, Daan is clearly annoyed at how blunt the knife is and is digging for the knife sharpener. Who would have thought that after having uncomfortably faced the front of a car just inches from his face a few hours ago, that the sight that would finally make his brain fry up and stop working this week is simply Daan in his kitchen? 

He’s so fucked. A million and one thoughts fly through his mind in an instant and it’s amazing he still manages to stand - ‘Of course you’re losing your mind over this guy in your fucking kitchen,’ he thinks ‘You’ve never been allowed to forget about him for years, but don’t get carried away Matthew, he’s just, well, who the hell knows why he’s here? You’re going to ask him though! Hey why are you so fixated now? Are you rebounding? Damnit Matthew, it’s barely been a day! But Feliciano said - who cares what he said! This is the unattainable guy you crushed on because you saw him in an elevator! Not your soulmate! Get a grip!’

“Are you judging me?” Daan’s question cuts through Matthew’s panicked thoughts and he can only stare dumbly.

“Huh?”

“You’ve been giving me this kind of scary look for the past minute or so. I swear Matthew, and you have to trust me on this, but a sharp knife is just one of those small things that makes a huge difference towards a more satisfied life. Now, is this cheapo Ikea sharpener the only one you have?” Daan’s tone may be teasing, but it is still laden with judgment.

“Yes, it is. There ought to be another knife that’s sharp, I think Ha sharpened it on Monday when she made dinner.” There are only two knives after all.

“Well how about I sharpen this one as well and then you can have TWO sharp knives.” Has his tone changed? Yes, what did it mean? Why did it change? “How about that? You’ll owe me one forever.” 

Matthew’s mind can puzzle over the mystery of Daan deBoer all day, but it can’t, nope! It’s been a stressful day but Matthew knows he has to get a grip on himself, so he simply starts taking out the food and drinks and placing them on the table.

Still, Matthew has to laugh as the sound of a blade being pressed against stone echoes off the walls. “Are you always this silly when you’re not at work?” He has to ask.

Daan turns, temporarily stopping his work. “You think I’m silly? Sharp knives are serious business Matthew.” He runs the blade across a few more times. “Sharp knives lead to good food, good food gets you a market and connections, and those…get you money.”

Matthew can’t figure out if he’s joking, so he gives up at this inane line of reasoning, and simply grins. “Fine, I’ll sharpen my knives.” He walks into his kitchen to hand Daan a plate for the soon-to-be cut tomatoes. He distantly wonders if this was what Daan’s younger siblings had to endure - strange anecdotes about life and money. Daan’s a bit odd sure, but who isn’t? It’s strangely endearing.

Eventually they eat, and Matthew savors the juices and taste of familiar cooked meat on his tongue, allows the smell of his burger assault his nose and lets out a sound of appreciation. Survival comfort food indeed. Once they had finished their burgers (it didn’t take long, they must have both been starving), Matthew decides to cut to the chase. “So why did you want to have lunch with me so urgently this week? Was it because you knew I was going to start it with a demotion, followed by getting dumped?”

Daan freezes for a moment and there’s a second of uncomfortable silence before he regains his composure and chuckles. “That’s what I like about you Matthew, when it counts, you get straight to the point.”

Room full of Alfreds. Room full of Alfreds. Can’t show hesitance, you can handle this. “Well?”

Daan takes a breath. “I didn’t know that Francis was going to pull such a stupid stunt. I thought the Communications team made a silly mistake and left out your name until Arthur brought it up at the Partner meeting and Francis didn’t deny it. I originally wanted to see you to give you a heads up about Lukas and Mathias. I wasn’t there when they spoke at the cafe, but I sure as heck saw Mathias when he got home. I also had no idea if you’d even want to see me today, but when I didn’t get any message from you canceling our lunch plans…” He shrugged.

Matthew almost asked why he wouldn’t want to see Daan, before remembering that Daan was a reminder of his job and Lukas wrapped up in one. Except, Daan was kind of two guys - the guy he admired before he even met Lukas, when his job was still fun - gruelling, but fun - and he was also the actual guy who was sitting at his table that he’s only getting to know now. “Why give me a heads up?” He asks. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful but…I’m not actually one of your team members, we run into each other but we’re not exactly…close, we’ve worked together once.”

Daan nods and has that smirk again, Matthew is starting to wonder now if it’s not so much confidence, but a defensive quirk. “On the firm front, well, you reached out to Emil when you thought you could help him. I know we’re used to doing that for junior staff but it isn’t actually supposed to stop the moment you become a manager.” He leans back in his chair and looks at Matthew in that searching Partner way. “I guess what I’m trying to say is, sometimes it helps to talk it out with someone who’s not in your team. You can talk to me, if you want. If you’re not comfortable with me because I’m in the same firm or whatever, maybe you’d prefer to speak to Belle? She can keep a secret, isn’t part of the firm and has worked with both Francis and Arthur before…”

Wow that’s… “That’s really kind of you.” Matthew has no idea what he’s done to warrant this, but maybe Emil felt the same way when he was adopted by a manager he had avoided, impromptu, in a men’s bathroom.

“Secondly, unrelated to the job, back when I thought you and Lukas were going to be a fixture I figured I was going to see quite a bit of you, one way or the other. And…” He shrugs. “I didn’t mind that. You seem cool. I know it’s kind of awkward, given our professional relationship but, I was going to ask you to be my friend.” Daan laid that out in a matter-of-fact manner. “Hey, you know about my rabbits, and my travel schedule is finally going to fall back to a slightly more normal pace. I look forward to spending time actually living here and making friends again who aren’t my relatives, Mathias, or clients.” He laughs.

“Oh…” Matthew can’t help the smile breaking out on his face. “Really?”

Daan’s expression turns lightly calculating. “Why would I lie?”

Matthew is sure there could be plenty of reasons but he can’t think of them at the moment. He doesn’t know Daan well enough. Then again, what was it that Lukas had said? Daan was capable of deceit, but not so much outright lying. And there wasn’t much deceit involved in asking a no-name manager who couldn’t even get promoted to be his friend. This means that for some inexplicable reason, Daan really thinks he’s cool. Even if not, there’s no way Matthew will pass this up. Handsome or no, he’s wanted to get to know Daan for years, it would finally get rid of the awkward feeling he has, especially if Daan can reveal things that Matthew already knows about him, organically. Besides it’s just…well he doesn’t know why Daan thinks he’s cool, but there’s no doubt that Daan is, and intriguing, and just plain admirable.

Matthew is definitely going to wake up tomorrow morning and find out that he’s dreamed the whole thing. “I can’t think of a reason.” He answers, but he’s grinning from ear to ear, he just can’t help it. “I just didn’t see that coming. Can I be honest about my ulterior motive to being your friend though?”

Daan’s expression changes, somewhat wary, but intrigued. “Sure, since we’re being honest. What is it?”

“I really want to meet your bunnies.”

Matthew expects laughter and gets it but not quite like he expected. Not this beautiful, bowled over laughing, happy kind. He can’t help but join in, it’s too infectious to hear Daan laugh and to see the man smile. He has no idea what he’s doing but that’s the point of friendship isn’t it? You’re not supposed to calculate friendship. But Matthew also knows better. He’s been on the receiving end of this question before, in the States, from people who wanted to be his brother’s friend. He earns his money based on his ability to be likable by the most amount of people possible…but he can’t control other people’s motives. He can only be honest with himself about his own. He does want to be Daan’s friend.

But why him? Why Matthew? A guy who wears a mask all the time when Daan is so straightforward and has never needed to pretend to be likeable. Or…

Has he?

Matthew doesn’t know why it’s never hit him before. Time seems to slow down a little as he just looks at the silly guy in front of him, laughing. The silly guy who whined about being locked out of his apartment after a long journey home, the silly guy who lives with his childhood best friend so that friend wouldn’t get too lonely after the love of his life left him…and never asked him to leave. The silly guy who bought a third rabbit because he thought the first two were getting lonely. The silly guy who’s scared of driving cars! None of this matches the image of the Partner he’s heard about and worked with, the miser, the taskmaster, the robber, the prodigy. Maybe he’s all of these in one, or maybe some of these are a result of masks that he wore so that he could climb so high while so young, so that the rest would take him seriously.

Whatever it is, whoever Daan is, Matthew wants to know. He’s always wanted to know. Heck, if he actually gets hit by a car tomorrow, one of his last thoughts would probably be cursing himself for a coward if he couldn’t let himself believe Daan and try.

“Deal.” Daan grins. “You know, my sister always says that the only reason I have these rabbits is so I can have friends. Now I can tell her that she’s absolutely right. I am a genius. She should listen to her brother. Now come take a look, I took a really good pic yesterday!”

Matthew shoves the paper wraps aside like the messy slob he is so he can move closer to see (he’s a reformed messy slob, he’ll clean it up later, but for now, cute bunnies take priority).

“Okay, so introductions are in order. Maple is the baby of the lot, he’s the brown-colored one, Hitam, she’s the black one, she was a baby when I adopted her, together with Nijntje, who is the grand dame of them all. I got them when I first moved back to Canada, which was in…”

Maybe this isn’t going to be the worst week of his life after all.


	7. Chapter 7

“Wow Mattie! You look like shit!” Trust Alfred to state the obvious. Matthew rolls his eyes and adjusts his laptop screen so he can better see his brother. Alfred has a schedule for calls from the ISS, in addition to everything else on his plate. Between the public engagements when the whole team up there has to speak to students, or the professional ones where they speak with Houston, Korolev and other cities, other personal calls such as Al having to speak with Aunt Polly and their Dad, well, Matthew and Alfred speak once a month. It was time that Matthew ensured he never missed, even if he was sick and feeling terrible. Such as today. **  
**

“Thanks Al.” Matthew croaks carefully, it didn’t take much to send him into a coughing fit right now. “You look…tired but, happy. That’s important.” He sighs. “Ugh, sorry I’m going to be kinda medicated for this call but yeah, this bug just caught me by surprise a few days ago.” It was ridiculous. Matthew had finally decided to take some time off thanks to the leeway he got from the accident, maybe make time to go on a solo hike but no, two days after Daan became his newest friend, Matthew woke up with the telltale signs of an oncoming flu - body aches, exhaustion, a sore sinus and throat.

“Don’t apologize for being sick Mattie,” Alfred being upside down really wasn’t helping. “Like, at least it’s an excuse for you to take some time off. You work too hard.”

Matthew laughs, then coughs and regrets it. His brother literally lived his job and Matthew worked too hard? “I’m sick because I had time off. You ever get the feeling that-” Coughs, “Sometimes when you stop, your body decides to take the moment to get revenge on you?” He didn’t want to explain that the doctor had called it stress - a combination of the physical and mental burden heightening in one time that made his body weaker and more susceptible to external bugs. It was ridiculous - stress. There were millions of people he was sure, whose lives were far more stressful than his and they weren’t sick. Partners should never work, Alfred wouldn’t be in space. Matthew didn’t want to argue, he just wanted his medication and to leave, so he nodded without listening much, then left the doctor.

Of course, Alfred had to inevitably ask. “Well, it’s good that you’re taking a break anyway. What made even you decide to stop for a moment?”

Matthew smiles despite it all, imagining the echo of Daan’s laughter still bouncing off his walls. He takes a sip of the hot honey lemon he’s cradling in his hands. “I’ll type it. I wouldn’t mind telling you it’s just…” He stops again to hack up a lung. “I don’t think I’ll be able to. Though could you do me a favor and um…try not to be upside down?”

“Sure thing!”

Matthew did his best to type out the events of the previous week, but found that the old competitive streak made it hard. He didn’t want to tell his accomplished younger brother that he missed his promotion, he didn’t want to admit that he kind of got dumped but he hadn’t even told Alfred he had been dating in the first place. In the end, he settled for almost getting hit by a car for being a dumbass who didn’t look both ways before crossing the street, and making a new friend…and getting sick.

“So let me try to get this straight…you took time off because you nearly got run over by a car and that’s why you think you got sick?” He hears his brother ask over the speakers.

For all people complained about his brother being unable to ‘read the atmosphere’, the truth was well, Alfred could…selectively. Also, the selectiveness overall changed after Alfred joined NASA - the mission was important enough, the organization’s culture made up in such a way, that Alfred learned to at least be self aware and check his natural competitive aggressiveness into mere assertiveness (though Alfred sometimes still didn’t know the difference between the two). There were many at NASA and others in space programs all over the world who were smarter than Alfred (though Alfred was still the youngest, if he continued, he would lead his field at the same age most astronauts were on average), and as strong as Alfred - that kept his brother in check. They couldn’t completely get rid of the competitive man that Alfred was, but they encouraged the dreamer in him, which was arguably Alfred’s best quality when it wasn’t combined with righteousness. They also didn’t let Alfred always get his way without a good challenge. It was good overall, forcing Alfred to mature in ways that Matthew had never convinced him to, so Matthew’s pretty grateful to space for that too.

Except that now his brother was actually perceptive when Matthew didn’t want him to be. Alfred has an expression on his face, neutral save for the slightly raised eyebrow. Matthew can read Alfred well enough to know that his brother knows something isn’t being said and prepares for the needling. To his surprise though…

“But like…the flu is why you’re staying in bed, you didn’t like…break anything when you almost got hit? You sure you weren’t hurt from the car accident?” He asks in a neutral tone - neutral from Alfred means suspicious, but at least he’s not pushing it for now.

Matthew lets out a slight sigh of relief, “I got checked out after the accident, I’m fine.” Maybe he underestimates Alfred. Maybe he doesn’t actually know his brother all that well and should give him a bit more credit Maybe it’s because he’s finally noticed his brother actually trying so he feels inclined to return the favor. “It’s just…I guess…”

“Yeah?”

Matthew gives in and types out what he left out before as quickly as he can, but he’s still trying to make it sound more positive than he actually feels - he was expecting a promotion but didn’t get it, but he had been fast-tracked to begin with anyway, making Associate Director in five years would have been great but it didn’t have to happen now, he can take his time. He leaves out Lukas and simply says ‘I met a guy, it didn’t really work out but we still get along’, rather than ‘I got dumped the same day I wasn’t promoted and I felt like shit’. He’s still not entirely honest but some things, like feelings of despair, those things you keep to yourself when you speak to your competitive brother. This was a compromise of sorts. He finishes and scrutinizes the screen and the grainy video of Alfred concentrating on reading his message. He sees his brother  go slack-jawed. “WHAT!!!?”

Maybe Matthew’s trust had been a little premature. He takes in a deep breath. As Alfred keeps reading the screen, then his brother’s face morphs into one of deep thought. Alfred’s ‘thinking face’ scared most people, which was probably why he tried to smile as much as he did. Matthew isn’t prepared for what he hears next though.

“You have this dopey smile on your face Mattie, are you like…into this Dan guy?”

“WHAT?! NO!” Matthew manages to yell but it causes yet another coughing fit so he stops while Alfred rattles on.  He’s NEVER told Al about his crush on Daan, NEVER. How did he? Oh God, how obvious is Matthew?

“As for the dumb boss, fuck it Mattie! Just…finally claim your US citizenship, you’re eligible thanks to Dad, and move down here, earn more money and like…live better.”

Matthew rolled his eyes. Live better his ass, at least he could get most treatment at a hospital for free and expect reasonable amounts of leave compared to what he would otherwise get if he moved down south. “Al, I’m not leaving Canada just because my boss didn’t promote me when I wanted him to. And Daan isn’t actually my boss, he’s just another Partner in the firm.”

Alfred shrugs with a humorless laugh. He had never really appreciated Matthew’s job, eyes glazing over before talking about space and the next frontier. It occurs to Matthew that they haven’t actually talked about space yet, they’ve just been talking about him, it’s oddly refreshing. “Oh before I forget, do you know a lady called Yekaterina Braginskaya at PK&DE? She may be in a different city.”

That was another surprise, how did Al know about Yekaterina? “She sits on my floor actually.”

“Really?! No way! You guys have something in common!”

Matthew thinks a moment. “She knows someone on the ISS?”

“Ha. Yeah, her brother. We were talking the other day and found out that you two may actually know each other. Ivan is one of the cosmonauts here. Creepy guy if you ask me but he seems to love his sister, and he does know his stuff. Not as good as me of course, because he has no moral compass, but whatever.” Alfred grudgingly says, which makes Matthew think that whoever Yekaterina’s brother is, he’s a lot more competent than simply ‘he knows his stuff’. He knew his stuff enough that he had awakened Al’s competitive streak.

“Oh that’s…” The coincidence was pretty cool actually. Matthew had no idea but maybe he’d knock on her door whenever he recovered well enough to go back to work. “Interesting. I don’t know her well, but…I know you may scoff Al, but sometimes I do get worried about you up there. It may be good to be able to speak about that with someone.” Matthew also wonders if it is natural to be simultaneously proud but jealous of a younger sibling but that probably wasn’t something to open a first conversation with.

Alfred shrugs. “Probably how Ivan and I don’t see eye to eye on most things but we do agree that…you two deserve more. He makes her sound like sweetness incarnate but scary when she’s mad, and you’re…ha! We actually got into a bit of a competition over who has the nicer sibling and whose sibling is scarier when mad. I know you’re looking at me like I’d pick a fight over anything but man I’ve never had a real conversation with Ivan before this that wasn’t about work. Like, I told him about you and he helped me appreciate that, yeah, you’ve been promoted mad fast. I get that now, of course you have because you’re you.” Oh. It’s nice to hear praise from his brother for once. Matthew tries to remember how often he praises his brother for his accomplishments…not much to be honest. Alfred never seemed the type to need it. “But it’s also hard to imagine what you guys do over there, and I know you explain it but I just…look Mattie I try, but I glaze over. And YOU glaze over when I get beyond the surface on dark matter, so it’s not just me okay? But like…it’s kind of cartoonish I know, what we try to think up, like dull and grey and numbery, surrounded by boring dull people who give you more numbers and you’re the only splashes of color there. It’s probably not like that at all.”

Matthew laughs and coughs again at the image of two men living in space being unable to imagine something as mundane as professional services when he can barely wrap his head around what they do. “How poetic. I’m…thanks Al. I don’t really say this because I kind of think it’s a given but even though I glaze over when you try to explain it to me, I’m proud of you. I am. I feel kinda privileged to have been part of a conversation in space I mean, you two discuss your boring siblings when you’re studying dark matter, time travel or…I dunno, everything you do up there in space?”

Alfred laughs too. “We have mice up here. I don’t directly work with them but you know, they’re the closest things we have to pets up here…if you don’t get too attached to them anyway. Well, these are sibling mice. Some are up here, the others are down below as part of the control setup. We got mauldin one day I guess, and just ended up talking about the mice during our break. It was weird.”

Matthew can’t help the fond smile breaking out on his face. It was an odd story but… “I miss you too Al. And I know you’re you but…take care of yourself up there okay…”

* * *

 

He still feels a little sad after the call ends, well, happy and sad. It’s been nice to talk to Alfred since he’s been on board the ISS. He wonders if his newly-matured brother is someone that will remain once he returns to Earth but either way, it’s still nice to see his brother growing up. Alfred didn’t always take challenges gracefully, being a genius he was always in a class of his own. But the state of genius is a lonely place, so Matthew thinks that maybe Alfred may understand more now than Matthew ever gave him credit for before. Besides, it seemed to him that as much as his brother complained about this Ivan guy, he was probably happy to have company, even if that company is mostly manifesting as a rivalry. He tries to ignore what Alfred said about Matthew’s dopey smile

As Matthew checks his messages, he sees the email from an old classmate - someone open to taking on the job of working with Mathias. Matthew sighs and hopes for the best. For a moment he contemplates sending the promised contact to Mathias through Emil but quickly dismisses the idea. He’s not a moody teenager, he’s an adult damnit, he’s not involving a kid and besides a promise is a promise. Lukas was his friend, first and foremost and he wished him, them, the best.  No matter how awkward he feels, Matthew virtually introduces Matthias and his old classmate as professionally as possible by email and hits ‘send’.

Afterwards Matthew realizes he’s bored. He’s sick enough that he can’t really go outside, tired enough that he doesn’t feel like moving about, but still restless. He supposes he should cook himself something though and realizes that he does happen to have enough for chicken soup, and hey, aren’t tomatoes full of vitamin C? It was time to finish them all up anyway.

He’s in the middle of slicing up onions and wiping tears when his phone dings.

*

DAAN: Universe still hate you?  
DAAN: Flu  
DAAN: Also, Mathias is grateful but is hounding me for my opinion on whether or not he should call you to thank you, or if that would be rude  
DAAN: I’m not going to waste time trying to imagine what’s going on in your head  
DAAN: So what do you want? Text or call?  
DAAN: Had a good talk with your brother?

The last question surprises Matthew. He had mentioned the call the Alfred in passing after watching videos of cute bunnies for about an hour but didn’t expect Daan to remember. Then again, it’s space, and also, Partners had to remember key things, so Matthew shouldn’t have been surprised. It’s Saturday, and Daan must be bored as heck when he doesn’t work. That’s the only reason Matthew can imagine for why his phone is being attacked with messages, but it brings a smile to his face all the same. After a few moments of tossing the onions into the pot, washing and drying his hands, he types a few replies.

YOU: Text  
YOU: Would probably have a coughing fit if I tried to talk  
YOU: Despite that, had a pretty good talk with the brother. Apparently Yekaterina Braginskaya’s brother is a cosmonaut. He’s my brother’s colleague.  
DAAN: Small world  
DAAN: ‘typing…’

–

*1 MESSAGE NOTIFICATION*

Mathias Kohler: Thanks for the intro Matthew! Heard you’re sick, that sucks man, hope you feel better soon. There’ll always be maple syrup danishes for you here once you feel better.

Matthew types out a quick reply: “Hope he manages to help you out, and thanks.”

–

DAAN: Need me to bring anything over so you can continue resting up?

Yeah there was no way Matthew would be able to handle that right now.

YOU: I’m contagious, but thanks. I have enough I think. And according to the doc, I’m sick because the universe loves me. Go figure.

Matthew lowers the heat to let the pot go at a simmer and shuffles over to his couch.

DAAN: I honestly don’t understand how you can call that love

There’s not much he can say to that so he just leaves it. A few minutes later though, there’s an adorable picture of Maple having a nap on a coach under a sunbeam.

DAAN: This is the universe loving a creature. Notice the difference.

Feeling oddly petty and lighthearted, Matthew pulls the curtains open wider and falls back on his old couch, letting the light fall across his face. He’s squinting and it’s an ugly picture - he’s still in his pajamas, with unkept hair, red eyes and nose, and a sickly pallour. Matthew never takes selfies, but he does let himself get pulled into them when Michelle takes them. Anyway, this isn’t meant to be a beauty shot, this is proving a point to a guy who always needs the last word.

YOU: I know it’s hard to accept the obvious sometimes, but there’s no need to be jealous.

There’s no immediate response so Matthew leaves the phone be. If he doesn’t rip himself from it, he won’t put it down all day. A few hours later after he’s happily fed and medicated, Matthew lies back down on his bed and smiles in drug-induced relaxation. It’s only then that he checks his phone again.

DAAN: Oh God you’re really gone  
DAAN: Go to sleep

With a shrug, Matthew does just that.

 

* * *

 

“It’s nice to see you in good spirits mate. You’re the happiest sickie I’ve ever seen.” Jack says by way of greeting. Matthew has to laugh in response. He’s finally back to work after more than a week off and he’s not completely recovered but he’s on the mend.

“Yeah well, when you almost die a few days before getting a little flu, it does put things into perspective.” Matthew shrugs. “It’s good to be alive, even sick, you get to you know, feel things.”

“That’s the spirit!” Jack laughs. “Gotta stay positive right?”

Jack settles down in his chair. This lunch appointment was for furthering the plans for Arthur’s celebration.

“Speaking of staying positive, with how limited our budget is, we can’t even get a bottle of good congratulatory champagne, or we can, but then we’d only have champagne, or we could have an actual party. I’m hoping we’re missing some zeroes because that can’t be right?” Matthew asks. Daan is known for being cheap but even Matthew thinks this is ridiculous. He had thought of asking Daan about it before he remembered he was working with Jack specifically so Daan wouldn’t have to worry about planning this thing after he approved a budget for it.

It’s not that Matthew wants the party to be a drunken celebration, he shudders thinking of some nights carrying Arthur home after office parties or even client parties (sometimes he felt that clients kept Arthur around because he amused them so much when he had a few drinks in him), but this was the ultimate promotion and it was for Arthur, there had to be *some* good drinks. People had to let loose once in a while and heck, Matthew was willing to carry  Arthur home if it came down to it.

Jack smiles but his face is tight. “There’s no mistake. Look it’s a riot when Arthur is drunk because he’s so different, but bossman is pretty finished with it.”

“Still…” Matthew muses. “It’s a celebration, if we get a good bottle of champagne that’s harmless.”

“Ha! Don’t worry about it. Just blame it on Daan being cheap. That way Arthur won’t be mad at you.”

Matthew rolls his eyes. “We can’t blame everything on Daan being cheap! Has he actually been as cheap as they say? Or is it you guys using him as an excuse?” He demands, oddly defensive. To his own knowledge, he’s never personally seen this miserly side of Daan that seems to be so famous. Maybe he’s also being protective over his new friend.

“That’s right, you only met him after he made Partner. Nowadays it’s not as bad. Daan believes in hard work and earning your keep, but he’s seriously judgemental over what you spend money on. He’ll pay for your training no problem. But Arthur loving to drink obviously doesn’t qualify. The budget for a newly minted Partner should be more than this but Daan’s probably strangling it specifically so Arthur doesn’t get embarrassingly pissed, at least not on department money because…Arthur drinks…a fucking lot.”

Matthew frowns. “Can’t blame Daan I guess, and I’m not crazy about how much Arthur loves his alcohol, but he is a grown man and if that just means dragging him back for an occasional night or two…”

“Was that all you had to do before?” Jack interrupts, curious. “A night or two?”

Alarm bells are ringing in Matthew’s head. “How often is it now?”

Jack shrugs. “Well in Europe we reached a point where it was pretty much everyday. You think I got these arms from gym and rugby alone?”

Matthew’s eyes widen.

“Look mate, he can handle it, but they drink a lot in Europe and Arthur was wining and dining clients every night.”

Matthew doesn’t want to judge, he really doesn’t, but “Everyday! Look a glass of red wine everyday is normal, enjoying drinks on weekends and Friday nights probably isn’t great but it makes sense, but being dragged back because you’re passed out drunk everyday is alcoholism.”

Jack shakes his head. “Nah, I know alcoholics, they’re a mess and they always smell like alcohol. Arthur can still get to work and get the job done, and he does it well too. Wouldn’t have made Partner if he couldn’t handle it.” He thinks more and frowns. “I was only worried about him one night - that night was wild, the boys in blue were called in and some fines were paid. I dragged Arthur home while he was dressed in some porny nurse Halloween costume, still have no fucking clue where that came from. Since then, bossman has forbidden Arthur from even touching a cider at work. They cut a deal - Daan said, finish Maplecorp, deliver the best work the firm has ever seen, and he’ll make Partner as deserved. Bossman also said he doesn’t care what Arthur decides to do with his private life, but don’t embarrass the team like this. So yeah, I kinda forgot not everyone knows, it is a secret I guess. But that’s why this is going to be the most boring ass promotion party ever.”

Matthew can only stare wide eyed with his jaw drops. “What the…when did it get so bad?”

Jack shrugs. “Didn’t mean to scare you. Look I think he has a handle on it but I think it just picked up during Maplecorp. Now he’s back in Canada he should return to being the occasional social drinker since he doesn’t like going out much. Maplecorp was different - Arthur wanted to be responsible for it, and he was, and you know him…he was solely responsible. But, it was a fucking huge project. Back in Europe he just started…drinking a lot but it was client relationship stuff. That’s the best I can guess, I’m not exactly in his head. Arthur is…I dunno if this was it when he was with you guys but, Arthur is a walking mass of contradictions, but he does the job well, and he’s been a mentor to me too so I respect him but… he just doesn’t cope with stress as well.”

Jack at least seems concerned now, even as he tries to reassure Matthew but Matthew still looks away, confused. Now that he thinks about it, Arthur has been different. He didn’t know about the alcohol until now but Arthur has been more aloof even by his standards. Matthew had never seen him since he returned from the end of the Maplecorp project, spoken to him on the phone and all yes but not seen him, that also was rude of him. Matthew told himself that Arthur was busy, and maybe operating off some old etiquette book where junior staff had to go see him before Arthur said ‘hello’. But Matthew hasn’t had time to deal with that with all his problems, and maybe was scared that his old mentor would be disappointed in him, so he didn’t exactly reach out.

“Fuck.” Matthew swears in agreement. “Fine, quick fix then. Anyone in the department have kids?”

“Yeah.”

“Good, invite them, we’ll make this a big celebration, but a warm and simple one. The kids being around will give us an excuse to just buy non-alcoholic drinks like that…sparkling juice stuff packed in champagne bottles that aren’t champagne. We still get the ‘pop’, Arthur loves kids, and as far as I know, he won’t let himself go crazy around them, though he may tell them scary stories or whatever. I’ll make sure Francis brings Jean. She’s a doctor, and she’ll be able to guess if he actually has a problem or if I’m over-reacting. Kids and Jean, they’re pleasant, it’ll be pleasant. He may even enjoy himself. We’ll also invite people whom he used to work with like Belle, or friends like Lukas, if they’re free. A party doesn’t need to have alcohol to be fun, but if work is making Arthur drink like there’s no tomorrow, I don’t want him solely surrounded by work, even though this is a Partner party.”

Jack’s eyes light up. “Belle as in, my boss’s hot sister?”

Matthew rolls his eyes and laughs. “Yeah. Does Daan know you have a crush on his sister?”

Jack shrugs. “Everyone has a crush on her, it can’t be a surprise. But…good plan about the kids. I’ll let Daan know about it when I get back from lunch. If it’s non-alcoholic, we can save on drink money and actually cater real food.”

“Or make it a potluck. Get this as homey as possible.” As far as he knew, Arthur lived alone and wasn’t the best cook, as much as he tried to improve, but he wouldn’t say no to home-cooked food.

“Hey hey!” Jack laughs. “Don’t spoil my boss with the discounts! No wonder he likes you so much!”

It was a harmless statement but because of his embarassing history with crushing on Daan, it made Matthew freeze a little. Thankfully Jack just barreled on.

“My cousin makes damned good ice cream, he knows Arthur too, looked up to him once. Maybe I can convince him to make a whole lot for us at a special price. Keep the kids happy.”

Matthew nods, deciding that he’s too jumpy today. “I’ll never say no to good ice cream. Could you also think of a venue that could accommodate all this? Because I’m drawing a blank.

Jack grins. “Leave that to me. So, next week, follow-up meeting?”

Matthew nods. “Sounds good. Is Arthur in today?”

“Yeah, though he’s only free by around four if you were planning on dropping by.”

“Thanks.” Matthew sighs and leans back in his chair. It was good to be doing things again rather than just lying in bed and watching Netflix, but the human drama it seemed, was never-ending. Maybe he should leave it alone but he can’t. “You all knew?” He had to ask.

Jack purses his lips and shrugs. “It just didn’t occur to us as a problem. If it ever affected work or led any of us to harm, Arthur would be gone. But Arthur’s still great at his job.”

“So you guys are just going to wait for it to get that bad.” Matthew sighs, he can’t help himself and Jack bristles.

“Look Matthew. It may be a problem, it may not be, but even if it is, we can’t fix Arthur. The only person who can fix Arthur is Arthur. It’s nice that you’re concerned. Maybe it’s different in your team, but we don’t really baby each other in M&A, we make our own achievements. There’s a point where you have to take what you want, where you make changes to yourself. Arthur knows that.”

Matthew shakes his head and forces his anger to subside, breathes in and out. Arguing over this wouldn’t solve anything but he responds with a slight glare. “I’m worried. This is news to me I really need to see him.”

Jack nods, a little more seriously now. “Knock yourself out mate. Hopefully this is all nothing, and like you said, we’re not doctors.” After a moment of uncomfortable silence, Jack adds lightly. “Hey Matthew, you’re going to the management conference next month right?” Maybe Jack is changing the subject to erase the tension that had built.

Matthew laughs. He may not be an Associate Director but only Directors and above got to have rooms to themselves so it hardly mattered to him. “I slave away for this firm all year, I’m not missing it when they decide to treat me to a beach resort.” Not to mention, next month is July. Matthew doesn’t usually announce his birthday because he’s more than happy to share it with his country, it feels like the whole nation is celebrating with him, but a beach getaway during his birthday month is a nice bonus after all the setbacks.

Jack smiles and nods. “Great? Gotta roommate? I’ve usually been stuck rooming with Gabe, but we’re not allowed to room together again this time. Last year we stayed up late watching the Wallabies-Springbok game and apparently we were so into it that our neighbours made a formal complaint to their Partner, who took it up with Daan! Damn, they have no life! As if whenever Stanley Cup season rolls around it isn’t worse.”

Matthew smiles in amusement but isn’t sure what Jack is talking about. “Wallabies-Springbok? Is that…” He remembers the jersey he borrowed so long ago now. “Rugby?”

“That’s right. Rugby Championships, it’s a big rugby competition that’s just between four countries. When I grew up it was just called the Tri-Nations, and it was just Australia, New Zealand and South Africa - huge rivalry between those three and Gabe’s South African. It’s not like we’ll be watching next month, there’s no game, but a complaint is a complaint.”

“Oh…sure. Yeah let’s room together.” He doesn’t mind, and he figures, no sports, no crazy Jack. And besides, he has more pressing matters to be concerned about right now.

* * *

 

Matthew makes his way to the 7th floor at four o’clock. Arthur has been moved into a room that is two rooms over from Daan’s but it’s somewhat nice to see Arthur’s nameplate on the glass door. Unfortunately, Arthur himself doesn’t look happy. He’s on the phone at his new desk and it looks like he’s been on the phone for a while.

Arthur looks up and appears a little surprised but heartened to see him, then points at his phone and rolls his eyes. Matthew nods, understanding that Arthur is going to be held up for a while. Maybe Matthew ought to just be proactive and try to set up a lunch appointment with Arthur. As he turns around, he feels he’s already seen what he’s come to see anyway.

Arthur looks like he’s aged 10 years in the past three. He’s chubby now and has probably increased three or four clothes sizes, his gut strains against the belt that cinches his waist. Arthur’s hair looks almost grey and his skin has taken on a splotchy pink color. It could be stress alone wreaking havoc on Arthur’s body, but that probably isn’t it.

“Hey Matthew.” Jack greets, “Sorry we’re all going to be bad hosts, there’s some emergency that’s popped up, and with two different projects at the same time. That’s the breaks. Look at them, they’re both spitting flames.”

Through the glass doors, Matthew can see Daan pacing around his room and speaking at his phone in a curt tone, presumably on speaker. Echoes of his voice drift out into the main seating area and Matthew realises he can’t understand a word of it. It doesn’t sound like a European language either. That’s not really important though, what’s striking is that Daan is older than Arthur, and right now Arthur looks like he’s Daan’s pissed-off uncle, well no, there’s no resemblance between the two of them, but it’s still shocking. Matthew finds he can’t really speak so he just nods. He looks around at the stressed out team - they’re oddly quiet by their standards, rapidly typing on their computers or holding phones to their ears, presumably also taking part in the calls that their ultimate bosses are commenting on, or on some other business. It’s normal for them, no one seems to think there’s anything odd with the picture. Matthew can understand new staff not being concerned, but the guys like Jack who have been here for a while and have seen what Arthur used to look like?

Maybe it’s stark only because they saw Arthur’s transformation gradually, whereas Matthew saw him three years ago and can see the drastic change.

 

* * *

 

Matthew doesn’t know if he should be asking Lukas for help. Arthur is his old mentor and their relationship is mostly professional, but Arthur and Lukas are former MBA classmates. They had apparently formed some kind of folklore or naturalist club (he can’t recall the details) together with another Romanian student, or so Lukas had informed him when they first met. Matthew also doesn’t know if it’s his place to seek an intervention. He’s not Arthur’s family or friend, and it appeared his entire team had decided to respect Arthur’s autonomy. Maybe that’s the right thing to do. What he wants to do kind of smacks of Alfred, interfering with things because he just wanted to help, sometimes going where he wasn’t welcome.  Either way, maybe Lukas would have an opinion on that, it wasn’t exactly something Matthew could figure out on his own.

Ultimately, Matthew pressed the call button, because Lukas wasn’t attached to the firm. If Lukas decided to have a sit down with his friend well, that would be more appropriate.

“Hey Lukas, is this a good time to talk?” He’s sitting in his car driving home, and hoping that Lukas is either sitting in the quiet of his office or also on the way home.

“It sounds like something is wrong?” Lukas answers with concern. “I’m still at the office but I can talk.” There’s an edge of uncertainty or questioning in the voice. Matthew can’t blame Lukas, he didn’t expect himself to be calling so soon either, but some things were bigger than you.

Matthew hears a door closing. “Have you seen Arthur since he’s been back?” He asks.

There’s a pause. “No. Either he’s too busy or I’m not free. Haven’t tried my best to be honest. A lot’s been going on.”

Yeah no kidding. Matthew takes a deep breath and explains what he just learned about Arthur, at least what he thinks. “So…what do you think? Am I overthinking this? Is there actually a problem with…alcoholism here? Is this something that’s happened before? You know him better than I do, to me he was mostly a mentor and mentors usually try to be the best versions of themselves to the kiddies.” He tries to joke to lighten things.

Lukas doesn’t immediately answer. “…can you pick me up at the office?”

That didn’t sound good. “Uh yeah, I’ll just turn around.”

Later, when Lukas climbs into the passenger seat, he’s all business. “Hi.” He greets.

“Hi.”

“We’re going to speak to Daan.”

“WHAT?” Maybe Lukas feels free and easy to just drop in on the man, but Matthew has only been his friend for a week. Granted he didn’t answer any of Daan’s messages today because he’s been thinking and worried and kind of angry as well if he’s honest. Sure, Arthur’s state isn’t Daan’s fault but anger doesn’t know logic and Matthew gets that. He also knows he’s merciless when he is angry so wanted some time to sort out his feelings before snapping unnecessarily.

“Arthur drank a lot during the Masters.” Lukas starts to explain. “It was still university days, a lot of us did that, who doesn’t? But there were points that got embarrassing. He stopped after the first year, and changed his image from the punk kid I first met - that’s just appearances though. So yes, it could be a problem, Arthur’s always had the potential. Daan should know if this is actually a problem, and if there needs to be an intervention, the three of us together can come up with a better plan.”

“I’m not sure how…I mean, his boss? His friend and his former junior staff member? I’m concerned but I also don’t know how much of a right I have to be here I mean-”

“You cared enough to call me. Who cares about rights?” Lukas cut in. “People are…people. When it comes to things like these, people care about you or they don’t. Which isn’t to say that the people around Arthur don’t care about him, I’m sure they do, but they probably feel restricted by certain boundaries, like you just mentioned - boss and employee, acquaintance, mentor and student. But if you’re concerned, you’re just concerned. If Arthur responds angrily to that and let’s face it, he might, it wouldn’t be forever. He’ll come to his senses eventually.”

Matthew grips the steering wheel and just nods. “Should we tell them that we’re heading over?”

Lukas shrugs. “Fine.” He pulls out his phone and Matthew sets the address into the GPS.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi it's been a while since this updated, I got distracted last month but never forgot this fic. I want to thank all of you who have read and commented, you have no idea how much you make my day! Thank you so much for your support :D
> 
> This is more of a transitional chapter, setting things up for 'Act 2' as it were (Act 1 finished with Chapter 6). Hope you enjoyed :)


	8. Chapter 8

It doesn’t take them too long to arrive about a block away from Mathias’ cafe, and Lukas leads Matthew through to the flat. The doorman recognizes Lukas, which not something Matthew tries to think about too much. The whole time, Matthew follows behind, because Lukas is on a mission and he’s more than happy to let the older man lead. It’s an upscale place, immaculately maintained and he can tell from the fact that there are maybe four apartments per floor, that each unit must be pretty sizable. Only a Director and above could afford to live in a place like this. Matthew suddenly feels self conscious about his own humble flat, but Daan hadn’t said anything. **  
**

Lukas raps on the door and Mathias opens it after just two knocks.

“Hey guys. Come on in.” Mathias has a welcoming smile on his face but looks  surprised even with the warning. Matthew can’t blame him, the visit is pretty spontaneous. He also wonders if Mathias would read more than there was, opening a door and seeing Matthew and Lukas together, standing behind it. He follows Lukas in.

‘Don’t think too much Matthew’ he tells himself. It’s late - there had been things he had to catch up on, being away for so long even if he had been doing some work from home. He and Lukas are still wearing their office clothes. Meanwhile, Mathias is showered and dressed for bed it seems, wearing a comfy looking faded shirt with a LEGO viking on it, and boxers, and Matthew does feel a little envious over the comfort. As if on cue, Lukas immediately loosens his tie and unbuttons his shirt sleeves to roll them up. It’s been a long day so Matthew does the same, unbuttoning the topmost buttons on his shirt to give himself a little more room to breathe. It’s not exactly comfort, but it will do for now.

“Have you guys eaten dinner?” Mathias asks. “Daan got home juuuuust before you messaged, so I just yelled at him that you guys were coming over while he was in the shower. He’s still not ready though. I threw a chicken into the oven after I got your message Lukas, and the steamed veggies are almost done, just gotta throw some butter on them and mash the potatoes. Nothing fancy, but it ought to fill the bellies right?” He announces as he walks into the kitchen.

“You didn’t need to make dinner.” Lukas responds as he follows Mathias into the kitchen.

“Hey hey hey…you’re a guest, sit down!” Mathias laughs and was it Matthew’s imagination?  Or did Lukas look a little offended?

“Don’t be an idiot.” The shorter man huffs and grabs a plate. Mathias just laughs and seems to accept the help, though he’s scratching the back of his head somewhat nervously. Yeah, Matthew is going to leave them alone on this one.

“I don’t want to crowd you guys in the kitchen so I’ll just…” Just what?

“Yeah! Make yourself comfortable in the living room. Daan won’t take long.”

Matthew takes a walk around the main spaces, trying his best to not wander into any area that looked private or closed off. It is a sizable apartment, with long floor-to ceiling windows lighting up the living and dining rooms, which are separated only by elaborately carved screens made of a dark wood. The interior is pleasantly simple and open, light woods and carpet, the walls are mostly bare save for a large antique map and some paintings depicting landscapes, in both Japanese and European styles. Near the door, six bicycles hang from the walls on bike hangers - different types of bikes with tires of varying widths. They all appear well-used and Matthew assumes that Daan and Mathias each own a set of three. Matthew then finds himself drawn to the living room area while Lukas helps Mathias set the table.

The living room area seems to double as a library of some kind, with shelves of books and photographs. Matthew sees an adorable picture of three children - the eldest who looks about nine must be Daan, and he looks like he didn’t expect the camera to go off with the wide-eyed look he’s giving it. It makes Matthew smile, this unexpected image. Next to him is Belle, dressed in a peach-colored dress and a bow in her hair. She’s got a bright smile and together the two hold a toddler between them.

Something jumps on his shoulder and Matthew jumps too. Startled, the bundle falls into his arms and Matthew looks down wide eyed at…

“Maple…” He breathes. He’s cradling the famous baby of the three, beloved by the universe. Matthew’s heart melts even more than it did when he just saw the videos, holding this warm fuzzy thing in his arms. Unfortunately, he can hear Maple whimpering so he gently places him on the nearest couch - the same couch where Maple slept under a sunbeam. Matthew recognizes it now. “Sorry sweetheart, didn’t mean to startle you.” Matthew whispers.

He looks around and wonders where the other two are - Nijntje and Hitam. Now that he’s looking for them he sees them. Nijntje is hanging around the kitchen where most of the activity is and Hitam is napping on a shelf. He looks over and Lukas and Mathias seem to be deep in conversation. Matthew settles down on the couch and tries to figure out what books are preferred in this household.

Dutch and Danish books that he can’t understand or make heads or tales out of from their spines alone, though a few look to be a collection of fairytales and another few of Norse myth. There are a series of work related books in English such as ‘Executive EQ’, ‘Dangerous Company: Management Consultants and the Businesses they Save and Ruin’ (Matthew lets out a laugh because that’s pretty funny) and other similar things. There are some well-read novels and well-known books, and the English novels come from all over the world, or so Matthew guesses from the author’s name. All in all, a fairly diverse collection, and those were just the ones Matthew could read. The Dutch titles looked equally diverse, while the French ones seemed restricted to language dictionaries and phrasebooks to study or stay on top of the language if one didn’t speak it every day.

A welcome warmth crawls onto his lap and Matthew looks away from the books. He has to smile, stroking the soft fur. “Do I smell like carrots Maple, is that it?” Maple seemed rather affectionate for a bunny, it was no wonder Daan couldn’t resist him.

Speaking of Daan. “I’m guessing you two dropped by to talk about Arthur?”

Matthew looks up in surprise. He was so focused on Maple that he didn’t hear Daan step out, but here he is, towelling his hair and closing his room door. It’s a sight - Daan fresh from the shower, hair loose and wet and falling over the side of his face. Matthew tries to look away so he doesn’t stare but his eyes drop to the faded orange shirt Daan is wearing and he finds himself staring anyway, with his jaw dropped open.

“Fucking machine?” Oh God did he just say that out loud? But Daan was indeed wearing some old-looking faded orange shirt with giant letters exclaiming ‘FUCKING MACHINE’. Sure people got gag items like that all the time, usually as gifts but no one wore them after graduating from university!

Daan looks down at his shirt and shrugs. “I guess you can call me whatever you want but make sure it’s just Daan in the office okay? Don’t want HR asking questions.”

“No!” Matthew waves his hands, flustered. “I’m sorry I mean…”

Daan smirks as he walks closer. “Mathias!” He calls out, looking in the general direction of the kitchen. “Matthew loves the shirt you got me…hell, ten years ago now?”

“Which one?”

“The one you got me for Queen’s Day.”

“Again, which one? Oh!…Fuckering Machine, I mean Fucking Machine…” There’s a pause, and now Mathias’ laugher is booming from the kitchen too.

Lukas calls over with a roll of his eyes and a smile. “Don’t worry Matthew, you’ll get used to them. We learned a long time ago that if you try getting Daan gag gifts, he’ll just use them anyway. He doesn’t know the meaning of shame, it’s great.”

“That’s not quite true.” Daan shrugs then lowers himself on the couch next to Matthew. “You see, they kept getting me stuff that was perfectly usable. Besides, we’re so used to it now. If you hadn’t been here, none of us would have noticed.”

Matthew wonders about all the dumb gag gifts that must be accumulated somehow. “You didn’t get rid of them or pawn them off?”

“Pawn off a dick mug to who? And why waste perfectly good stuff just because of what’s written on them or what they look like?” Daan notices Maple on Matthew’s lap and smiles warmly, all for the bunny. He leans over and says some soft sounding things in Dutch, which makes Matthew freeze a little, until Daan picks Maple up and settles him on his shoulder. “Affectionate isn’t he?”

“Um…yeah. I can see why you decided that he needed to join the family.” Matthew can’t help but smile as he says this, staring at the happy bunny on his Papa’s shoulder.

“Well then, I guess we can discuss Arthur after dinner. Hi Lukas.”

Only after dinner? Lukas waves, looking at them curiously.

Dinner looks about done actually so Matthew stands and walks over. Daan lags so Matthew turns and finds him checking on Hitam on her shelf. Satisfied with her comfort, Daan follows.

“Thanks for dinner Mathias.” Matthew has to say. It was pretty good for a last-minute deal. “You often make dinner?”

Mathias lets out a laugh. “This is how I first started paying my rent! Making sure this guy ate and had a life outside his office! Which brings me to…dinner rules! Sorry guys, no office talk while we’re eating. Food talk in the home is for fun and good things that brings people together and reminds us that we have a life. You can all talk about Arthur after we finish, I’ll leave you guys to it.”

Matthew feels bad then, like he’s put upon Daan and Mathias when they’re ready to put the day behind them, but what’s done is done. He didn’t really have to follow blindly, trusting Lukas that just turning up was okay, but maybe the dynamic was different between these three childhood friends. It probably was okay for Lukas, but Matthew is the outsider here. Or not? How well had Lukas kept in touch with Daan when he was avoiding Mathias? It was an act of courage for Lukas to come here too. Matthew tries to put his concerns aside to simply enjoy the company.

Dinner is pleasant. It’s helped by the fact that the bunnies know what’s up and are clamoring to join in the meal, so Daan and Mathias have to hold a bunny each and feed them cut carrots before they’re left in any sort of peace to eat their own meal. Lukas meanwhile, gives the honor of feeding the third bunny to Matthew. “You look like you’re about to burst.” Lukas smiles. “So here.” He passes Matthew Hitam and the next few minutes are full of adorable bunny cuddles and carrot feeding.

In fact, everything about dinner is pleasant. Matthew was often anxious when he found himself in a group of people who had known each other forever, with him as the lone outsider, but this was different. Maybe it was because Lukas himself had been somewhat estranged from Mathias and Daan until recently, but any childhood memories or in-jokes were promptly explained. It was usually Lukas who would realize how divorced Matthew would be from those experiences and start explaining it, but Daan and Mathias happily jumped in once they realized it. So Matthew didn’t feel left out, he felt the happy warmth of inclusion, that three pretty impressive people wanted him there and expended effort in making sure he felt there was a place amongst them.

Or maybe they were just really polite.

Too soon, it was time to move onto less pleasant matters. Mathias retreated to his study where Matthew could see the light peeking out from under the door. Not too long later, he could hear faint music from Mathias’ room. Matthew sat back in the living room area with Maple on his lap. Thankfully, Lukas delved right into it.

“I didn’t tell Mathias that I was coming over to speak to you about Arthur. You figured it out anyway.” He began, remarkably businesslike.  

Daan chuckles, one ankle resting over a knee as he sits back in an armchair. “What else could it be? Besides, Jack came to me about your concerns Matthew, after your lunch meeting. I figured I’d hear from you eventually. And Lukas, you and Arthur and that…magic club of yours-”

“Folklore.”

“Right, that folklore club of yours. So…yes, he likes to drink.” Daan shrugs. “Maybe a little too much. But, I’m his boss, not his sobriety sponsor, I judge his performance at work. If I wanted to intrude on every aspect of all my employees’ lives, I’d risk becoming Matt’s boss, and do something stupid and absolutely unfair like…pass up a perfectly well-deserving member of my team because of something that has nothing to do with the job.”

“Deflecting.”

“Seriously Lukas? You intervene with all your staff?”

“Seriously Daan? You encourage an environment where vices are normal?”

Matthew has that feeling that tends to rise up whenever bosses fight and you happen to be there. In PK&DE, he knows how to mitigate and manage the personalities there. Right now he’s not entirely sure how to to put out the fire or if these two even need it. Just how close are Lukas and Daan actually? Matthew can’t tell how real the annoyance is or how much is teasing.

“I trust my people to get their work done. What they do in their personal lives is different. Kind of…opposite of you but, we all have our styles.”

Matthew feels like he really doesn’t need to be here for this, the way they’re going on. “Um…are we here to talk about helping Arthur or debate who’s the better boss?” He asks, drawing both their attention. “Sorry if that came out…I’ve had a long day, I’m tired.”

Daan takes in a deep breath and runs a hand through his hair, he sounds a little annoyed. “I’m sorry. I’m tired too, but I really don’t know how you both think I could do more to help. Lukas, you’re Arthur’s friend, instead of coming to me and Matt, can’t you call up your own friend and drag him out on a hike or something? Matthew, I know he’s kind of your mentor, that probably makes you feel a little awkward but…you’re not a green Associate anymore and it’s about time you started believing that. You don’t need to tiptoe around Arthur, drag him out and talk to him. If you think it’ll help, make him feel bad that he’s setting a poor example for you in how he manages stress. There is literally nothing that I can do that would be even more effective than either of you just marching straight to the problem instead of coming to me.”

“We can do all of that but we would still need you to keep us informed.” Lukas shoots back. “When Arthur is out of our reach, when he’s overseas, and all he has is a job…you don’t think that a stern talking-to from his boss is going to help remind him? You could have done something before he made Partner. At least he would have had incentive to control himself, he would have put work into changing to get that promotion. Now there’s nothing to-”

“To what? Blackmail or control him with?” Daan cuts in.

Matthew shakes his head as he recalls the thrown audit-file incident. “Uh Lukas, I don’t know what Arthur was like during the MBA but…he…does his own thing. I mean, now that I think about it, with how Francis intervened with me…I think he tried with Arthur. Arthur just left the team, if he didn’t like what Daan had to say, or couldn’t make it to Partner with him, he’d just go somewhere else.”

“And you should know Lukas, because you introduced Arthur to me. The deal I made when Arthur when I brought him on was specifically not to be a meddling boss, like Francis. I take in people who I know don’t need me and can work on their own for the most part.”

Lukas stands in frustration. “Is it an unwillingness to help Daan, or are your hands genuinely tied?” It sounds like an honest question. “Because of course no one is asking you to babysit all your staff but there comes a point when a problem has grown a little too much to trust people to handle it on their own. It’s like…if Matthew here, had too many bottles of whisky and insisted he was perfectly capable of driving home, would you just let him do that and trust him at his word? Or would you make sure that he doesn’t drive home” It’s not a question. Daan looks at Matthew with a strange expression for a moment, before he turns back to Lukas.

“Of course not Lukas, it’s not even a good analogy.”

“It is Daan - it’s a perfect analogy. You shouldn’t trust Matthew if he said he could drive home because he is impaired! It forces an intervention, even if he’s punching and kicking you while you’re dragging him away from his car.”

The image is kind of amusing actually. “Why am I the example here?” Matthew tries to joke.

“It’s the same with Arthur.” Lukas continues, “His actions and ability to reason are impaired. But…it’s almost like…you don’t care because you’re his pimp. Who cares how drunk he is if someone will give you money for it.”

“Whoah Lukas!” Matthew stands between them with his hands up, trying to placate Lukas. “That’s a little…that’s a little extreme!”

“Are you seriously accusing me of being a person who just stands back and lets shit happen to people, and refuses to intervene? You?” Daan is quiet and furious behind him and Matthew feels a chill in the room.

He should have gone home. Yup, Matthew really really hates being stuck in a place with two people arguing on a personal level. This is getting personal.

“You’d do anything for the people you love Daan.” Lukas retorts in a tightly controlled monotone. “I would never question you if Arthur was your friend, because I wouldn’t have to. But Arthur is not your friend. He’s my friend, and you’ve been annoyed with me for years, rightfully so, I’ll admit. Now he’s a Partner, he’s your rival.  You fought so hard to get to where you are, and let’s be honest here…we both know Arthur, and I know you. I wouldn’t be surprised if you took him on to monitor just how much you need to keep an eye on him in the first place.”

Daan scoffs. “When I spoke to Arthur about him transferring to my team, the deal was for him to take over European projects, while I took on Asia, and we’d more or less split Canada. Asia’s where the money is right now so I actually have more to do, he’s welcome to more of Canada. He’s a Partner now because I’m only one man! There’s only so much I can do, and I can only be in one place at a time! I have limits! But by the time that ambitious little friend of yours is ready to try to take even Asia for me, hell if I’m worth my salt, I’ll have a new service line by then, and a bigger role. Arthur can have the old stuff.”

That’s interesting. Matthew looks at Daan with interest. “What’s the new service line you’re planning for?”

Daan only winks. “Can’t give away all my secrets.”

It’s clean - the deal struck between Daan and Arthur, but Matthew also can’t help the disquiet he feels within. Daan and Arthur are both intensely ambitious and tough, Daan made it sound straightforward but the truth was, it is likely they will eventually clash. There is only so much either would be able to do to not step on each other’s toes.

“So let me get this straight.” Lukas replies. “You’re leaving Arthur alone because of a gentleman’s agreement?”

Daan laughs. “Did you come here to pick a fight with me or something? First you accuse me of running a loose ship. Then you imply that I should have threatened Arthur’s promotion unless he stopped drinking and maybe picked up a worse vice to get the job done. It’s obvious you don’t know how Partnership promotions work so let me explain it to you. They’re different from every other promotion in the firm. Your boss doesn’t promote you, all the partners vote and agree or disagree to let you join their ranks. For me to have carried through with the threat you wanted me to make, I would have had to speak to all the partners behind the scenes, reveal Arthur’s alcoholism, and use THAT to convince them not to promote him. That kind of thing can’t be taken back, if I had done that and they decided that he couldn’t be trusted enough to join the partnership now, that’s it for him. Alcoholism? Arthur would never make Partner, in this firm, or any firm, ever. Who knows if he’d ever find another job? Do you know how many people are crackheads or worse and are CEOs? Arthur’s vice isn’t even the worst and it shouldn’t destroy his life. You’re saying that I didn’t do my job as his boss  because I wasn’t willing to do that. Then you imply that I’m letting him kill himself because I’m a pimp or I’m afraid he’ll threaten my job. First off, how dare you? I know how to keep my job and Arthur Fucking Kirkland is not going to be any threat to me. Second, where the fuck have you been Mr ‘I’m a concerned friend’, while Arthur had to figure his own methods of dealing with stress on his own? Wait I know, probably the same place you were when my best friend,” He points at Mathias’ door, the music still streaming from it, “Fucking broke because of you.”

“Okay!” Matthew yells. “This conversation isn’t getting anywhere tonight! Bad timing, bad moods, we’re tired, we’re leaving!” He strides towards the door and hears Mathias’ study door open.

“Well it looks like that talk went to shit.” Mathias says sardonically, with a glance at Daan and Lukas.

Matthew just wants to get out, “Thanks for dinner.”

“Matthew wait!” Daan has closed the distance by now to meet him at the door. “It’s late. We have guest rooms, stay the night.”

“Are you kidding?!” Matthew explodes. “I thought I was brought here to help figure out some kind of three-pronged-approach to helping a man whom I respect. Instead I had to sit there while you two fought over whatever your issues are! Lukas, if you wanted to pick a fight with him, did you really need me to drive you here to do it? Tonight? Mathias…honestly, nothing against you, dinner was lovely, really lovely, I’m just…” He looks around at the three shocked faces staring at him. “Look guys, I really really hate being in a room when people fight okay? In my experience it’s always unnecessary to expose someone else to it. It’s rude, it doesn’t solve anything, and it just makes you look really bad. See you at work.” Matthew tries to open the door again, but now Lukas speaks up.

“Matthew you’re right. You’re absolutely right. I asked you here to help and didn’t let you. I’m sorry, but please, don’t drive.”

That’s an odd request. “What?”

Lukas takes a step closer. “You said it yourself, you’re exhausted, and you’re mad. Even if I get into a car with you, we’d probably end up talking about even more distracting things, and you wouldn’t be able to concentrate on the road, I wouldn’t be able to help you because I don’t drive and backseat driving is a shit habit. We all had a good time at dinner, we can just…shower and sleep, start the new day tomorrow.”

The earlier argument about intervening to save someone’s life comes to Matthew’s mind. “I haven’t been drinking any whisky Lukas, and I’ve driven at far later hours, while even more tired before, and I never fell asleep at the wheel. Look, I drove you here, I’ll drive you back, but if you don’t trust me to-”

“Matthew.” Mathias cuts in. “Usually when people really want to do something I don’t stop them but you have to understand,” He looks at Lukas with concern, and now Matthew finally realizes that the man looks unnaturally pale. “The three of us here are pretty…cautious when it comes to driving.”

There’s a warning in that tone and it finally hits Matthew. Lukas lost his parents unexpectedly in a car accident - two people that Mathias and Daan must have also known once and mourned. Fuck. Matthew deflates and releases the door handle - he’s angry but he understands something about irrational fears. The other three men noticeably relax. “Is this why none of you drive?” They look at each other. “Whatever. Fine,” He’s still not happy with the circumstance though. The look he gives to Daan must not be pleasant, considering the other man’s expression, but Matthew doesn’t care. “Where’s the guest room?” He’s not looking forward to having to possibly sleep in a robe and wearing the same dirty clothes tomorrow. 

“Well, first let me show you where the washer and dryer are.” Daan responds neutrally, as if reading his mind. Washer and dryer - of course Daan would have his own. Matthew still goes to the laundromat. Once they arrive to the back fo the kitchen, Daan gives him the brief tour. “If you throw your clothes in before your shower, you shouldn’t have to wait too long to throw them into the dryer by the time you’re done. Tomorrow morning you just need to iron them before wearing them. Also, we’re transitioning into being a zero-waste household, so we use soap nuts unless the clothes are really filthy.” He shows Matthew the soap nuts which…honestly Matthew has never seen soap nuts before in his life. He listens to Daan’s straightforward instructions about just tossing in a cloth bag with the nuts in them into the cycle, then shows Matthew the relatively simple controls on both machines. “Guest room is here.”

Matthew follows Daan into a surprisingly well-maintained guest room. Sure enough, when he opens a closet he sees clothes hanging up in it, but they’re a little small to be Daan’s, not to mention the style and cut is different, sometimes flashy. “Does someone live here?”

“No,” Daan can’t quite manage a full smirk, but tries. “But my brother Christian is fond of crashing here sometimes. He keeps stuff here so he doesn’t have to bother packing an overnight bag. Here-”

Matthew follows Daan to a dresser, where he opens to drawer to reveal a year’s supply of free hotel toiletries. “What the…”

“Toothbrush, razor…” Daan takes out the little boxes and hands them over. “As for soaps…knock yourself out, but hotel soaps are generally neutrally scented so I don’t know if there’s any point being choosy, and they’re all drying so…” He pulls out a bottle of free hotel moisturizer.  

“You…never have to buy soap, shampoo, conditioner or moisturizer ever again…” Matthew can’t quite believe the ridiculous collection and amount of stuff. It’s hard to really come to terms with how much Daan must travel.

“Not quite.” Daan states proudly. “Yeah, toiletries aren’t anything I need to waste my money on for the time being, but I prefer my electric razor to these cheap plastic ones that hotels usually give out. But this is basically why we’re not quite zero-waste yet. Here,” He pulls open another drawer. “Towels. You may be…” Daan scrutinizes him, and if Matthew weren’t so peeved or exhausted, he would have felt a little more embarrassed. “Well, I got some loose clothes and a robe.”

He leaves Matthew in blissful solitude, so Matthew sinks to the bed, ready to put the day behind him. He still has to shower and launder his clothes, but not till he has that robe so he doesn’t give everyone in the apartment a show. Something soft nudges at his hand on the bed and he turns to see Maple sniffing around. His heart lifts immediately and he runs his fingers over the rabbit’s fur. “Do my hands still smell like dinner? Is that it?”

Maple climbs into Matthew’s hands and he lifts him up for some very welcome cuddling. When he hears footsteps behind in into the room, he says, “Maybe I should get Arthur a rabbit, who could drink and be depressed when you have one of these cuddling up to you and needing your care?”

Matthew doesn’t turn around even though there’s a long pause. “Kitten.” Daan says.

“What?”

“Cats are at least a little better at taking care of themselves, but still require care. A puppy or rabbit would be too much for Arthur.”

Matthew turns and sees that as promised, Daan has found some clothes he can borrow. “Maybe a very friendly tabby,” Matthew responds. “Some kind of friendlier cat at least. Arthur kind of…I think he needs something very affectionate.”

Daan chuckles slightly. “Just make sure he doesn’t spoil it, if that’s the route you’re going to take. Anyway, clothes, robe. I think that’s it for the immediate practical stuff. The only remaining thing is…the apology. I’m sorry you had to sit there, I can get defensive when someone questions how I lead my team if I don’t think there’s any substance to it, and Lukas sometimes feels like life is too short and unpredictable to give important things their time, so he’s prone to making instant decisions and following through with them based on what he, alone, feels is right. He’s not stupid, he usually makes the right decision, but whenever that decision involves me, sometimes we clash. As for everything else, Lukas and I will hash that out between us.”

Matthew oddly doesn’t feel anything. He’s annoyed of course, that he had to be put through that in the first place, but overall he’s too tired to feel right now. “I’m really exhausted. It’s a weeknight, it’s already midnight, I have a call tomorrow morning that I need to be in the office for, and I still have to get ready for bed.” The truth was, it was entirely possible be wouldn’t sleep tonight - too exhausted yes, but with too much now on his mind, and the added discomfort of sleeping in a place that wasn’t his. Sleeping in Daan’s apartment, of all places. He hated that state - too tired to sleep, but too much on his mind.

Daan nods. “Right. Well, goodnight. I’ll leave the door a little open if you don’t mind, in case Maple wants to leave and roam later.”

The thought of Maple leaving his side must have made his face fell because Daan looks fondly amused for a moment. “Fine, that’s fair.” Matthew grumbles.

With a nod, Daan leaves. Later, after Matthew has finished his shower and goes to throw his and Lukas’ clothes in the dryer, he sees that Daan and Lukas are still up, speaking softly to each other at the table with a bottle of red wine and two full glasses. If Matthew didn’t know better, he’d think they were having a date, with the dim lighting of the apartment and all, but right now he’s too exhausted to care, even though he’s just had a shower. “You two have caffeine for blood.” He complains.

“I already put the clothes in the dryer Matthew. Go to sleep.” Lukas sounds very brotherly in that moment, and Matthew imagines that this must be the tone that Emil hears all the time.

“Have a glass of wine if that’ll help you.” Daan gives him a familiar catlike smile. “Since we’ve managed to drag you, kicking and screaming from your car, one glass of red in the evening is supposed to be good for you.”

Matthew shakes his head with a laugh. “Maybe another time.”

“Well,” Daan walks to the kitchen and produces another glass and pours wine into it. “Just in case, so you don’t have to get out and hunt around later if you change your mind. Goodnight.”

“Thanks.”

In a few moments, warmed with wine, tucked in between clean sheets and a newer mattress than his own (and fluffier pillows than he’s used to), Matthew is surprised at how comfortable he is, right before he falls asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

It’s warm here. Matthew breathes in the salty sea air and takes in a view he hasn’t seen in many many years. He loves Cuba already, he’s nineteen and ready for his first adventure outside of Canada, and there’s a part of him that’s not so secretly satisfied that he’s set foot in a place that his brother cannot go… **  
**

There’s a part of him that scoffs at that now, but then? You can be forgiven for making sweeping conclusions at nineteen.

He had gone for a special language course at the University of Havana, at least, that was the excuse. It was the summer before he would start his year abroad in Houston (and the disaster that was his personal experience there even if he held the city no personal ill will). Everyone had been yelling at him for years to do something crazy. Well here he was, this was it for him.

Travelling to a new country wasn’t exactly most people’s definition of “crazy” but it was still significant for Matthew. Up to that point, he had played it safe, preferred the quiet, his own company, and the cold. He fell sick whenever the temperatures teased their way to thirty degrees, he swam in the snow just for fun. So yes, running off to Cuba was “crazy” enough. The beginning of Havana had been wonderful - stepping into a new world of warmth and experience. Why had he forgotten it? Maybe because he had set forth for adventure outside of his vast country twice, and both times had made him vulnerable in a way that Canada never forced him to endure. It was easier to choose to forget.

But right now, he’s dreaming of it - he’s dreaming some fantastical, magical version of his early days in Havana, and he can’t bring himself to wake up even though he knows it’s a dream - or maybe it’s a memory springing forth because there’s no resistance to it.

The warm buzz from the wine has taken him back to a different warmth - a warm night. The humidity had turned his hair almost frizzy with curls but he hadn’t cared. His glasses smudged often with grease, humidity, and sweat, but he just wiped them clean with the cotton on his shirt and continued smiling anyway. When someone pressed a cocktail into his hand, he drank from it happily. In that warm haze of happiness he allowed himself to sway to the music - badly probably. That’s when he saw him.

Everything Matthew had wanted to be when he was nineteen, still, actually - confident, charismatic. When Carlos Garcia laughed and danced, he owned the room. And somehow on that evening, Carlos Garcia had decided that he wanted to teach Matthew how to dance as opposed to sway like a dead man thrown into a river.

Somewhere buried in the back of a book that Matthew no longer opens, but can’t get rid of, is a picture of him and Carlos lying down on a beach in Gilbara. Matthew is sitting down, looking out at the water, and Carlos is lying on the sand with his head on Matthew’s lap. The funny thing about something ending is that sometimes your mind blocks out the happier stuff from before. But now that Matthew is allowing himself to remember Cuba again, he remembers Carlos. For Matthew, Carlos is Cuba, there’s no separating the two.

Physically, Carlos and Daan are as different as night and day. Daan is long and lean, while Carlos was a little shorter than Matthew, strong and heavyset. Daan’s hair is short and styled to clean and spiky perfection - not a strand out of place. Carlos’ hair was long and free, twisted into dreadlocks. Looks were shallow though, because both possesed a familiar solid charisma, old-world charm, and frightening honesty that partnered comfortably with an easy confidence that lent well to leadership. Qualities that Matthew desperately wished he had.

Now he wants to wake up. He knows what happens after he leaves Cuba.   

And when he does…

The light through the curtains tells Matthew that he’s overslept. Fuck.

Not overslept actually, it’s just that he tries to wake up before sunrise three times a week for a run. He needs to run to burn off his excess energy, to manage stress, to make sure he doesn’t fall too far behind Alfred physically or his brother will walk all over him by habit. Besides, Matthew isn’t naive enough to overlook the fact that he’s been treated better at work since he’s gotten fit so…Wait, where is he? It takes a moment to adjust, simply because it’s not what he’s used to seeing. Eventually his brain catches up with him and Matthew jumps out of bed with a yelp.

“Ohmygodohmygodohmygod…” He’s not exhausted and cranky anymore - just a moment ago he was warm, happy, worried, now he’s all over the place and out of sorts. Shit shit shit why did he think about Cuba? What on…forget that. He has to shower, he has to change, he doesn’t have his clothes he has to iron them and he’s late!

Matthew throws his bedroom door open, and sees Daan and Lukas look up at him curiously.

“Good morning.” They both greet in unison, and Matthew stands there frozen for a moment at the shocking domestic normalcy. Daan is sitting at the table, pouring chocolate sprinkles on a slice of bread and Lukas is ironing in the back of the kitchen near the washing and dryer machines. They’re both already dressed, though Lukas is wearing office attire and Daan has his bicycle-riding getup on with a fitting highlighter-orange shirt. Pretty darn fitting. Shit. It’s too early in the morning for this. Too late, but too early. He tries to step forward but instead walks into something.

“Ow! What the-” Hopping slightly and holding his pained toe, he looks down at a…a Roomba? It’s the slimmest Roomba he’s ever seen though, and Nijntje is sitting on it as it carries on, cleaning up the apartment.

“You okay?” Daan is half standing from the table and Matthew desperately waves him away.

“I’m fine! I’m fine! I just uh…ugh.” He limps a little to the breakfast table, while desperately trying to think of a way to distract them from his embarrassment. “Uh…where’s Mathias?” Why was that the first question out of his mouth?

Daan looks at him with concern and…that look again, that stupid Partner look like they’re reading your mind. Then it seems, as soon as the scrutiny starts, it stops. Daan instead sips coffee from a…a dick mug, of course. “He operates a food place.” He responds after he swallows. “He left hours ago to open up and catch the morning office crowd.” Breathe Matthew. Breathe.

“Oh…right. Uh…I’ll just change quickly and I’ll drive you guys to work? It’s the least I can do, you let me stay the night.”

Lukas and Daan look at each other with amused looks on their faces.

“It’s okay Matthew.” Daan smirks. “You didn’t exactly stay the night by choice.”

“So you’ve already done us a favor.” Lukas adds. “Here, I ironed your clothes.” He turns off the iron and walks up, holding a hanger with Matthew’s clothes, looking even more crisp than they did yesterday. How did he do that?! Matthew can only look at Lukas in astonishment and wonder for a moment again, how he ever ended up being able to date this guy. Or really…any guy he had ever dated, come think of it. At least with Lukas it ended before he could get truly hurt.

“Right, well, time for me to go.” He turns to see that Daan is leaving the table and heading to the door, carrying a light backpack.

“Wait Daan, you don’t want a ride?”

“Today’s a cycling day. I want to fit in as many of these in while the weather’s still good, which also means I need to leave now.”

As Daan takes down his selected bicycle from its place on the wall, Matthew remembers that sometimes, Daan cycles to work. Good thing there are showers in the office. “Oh, okay. Uh, be safe.”

Daan barely shrugs and opens the door.

“Wait!” Matthew calls out, it finally hits him, what’s wrong with this picture. “You don’t wear a helmet?!”

Daan looks back at him with a straight face. “I have a hard head.”

Matthew doesn’t answer because he can’t. That’s the dumbest thing he’s ever heard, and he’s tired and out-of-sorts enough that it must show on his face because Daan throws up his hands in annoyance and stalks to a nearby closet.

“Oh fine! Is the auditor happy?” He asks, holding up a helmet and strapping it on.

“I…don’t know why you’re annoyed, I’m clearly the one who’s right here…?” Matthew responds with genuine confusion.

Matthew can’t read the deadpan look on Daan’s face but he isn’t sure it’s all that great. “I bet that’s your response whenever you turn up every year for the scheduled audit. Bye.” He waves at both of them, then leaves.

Matthew waves too, but once the door is closed he turns to Lukas. “Is it just me or was that weird? That was kind of weird right? Wait…ugh priorities, I need to get dressed. Damnit, I really did wake up late.”

Lukas just looks at him, then at the door in concern. Finally he takes a deep breath and lets it out. “Matthew, do me a favor. Breathe with me okay.”

What?

But that’s all Lukas does, stands in front of him quietly, with a little roomba working in the background, breathing deeply. Finally Matthew follows and after an initial period of feeling like an idiot he actually just focuses on breathing.

Breathe in, breathe out…breathe…

Eventually the world comes back into focus again. He still needs a shower, but it’s not life or death. Lukas seems to note the change too and nods. “Good. You have time, your clothes are ironed and you drive to work. Anyway, I’m not addicted to cycling, so I’ll take you up on that ride.”

He’s right. Matthew allows himself a smile “Where’d you learn that?”

Lukas scoffs a little. “From two different people - didn’t listen to the first one, then when I learned it from the second one I felt pretty dumb for ignoring it the first time. Simple but effective though. Why don’t you eat breakfast? It’s right there on the table, yoghurt, cheese and milk are in the fridge.”

Matthew looks at the table and notes that everything he would need for a cold breakfast is there. On weekdays he generally grabs something hot on the way into work leaving himself to cook his favorites on weekends. “Okay…cold it is.” He didn’t mind cereal, he just usually preferred something warm.

“You want…eggs? Something more filling?” Lukas guessed.

“No,” Matthew smiles, “I mean I’m used to warm things in the morning but the chocolate on bread thing looked good.”

Lukas nods, looking thoughtful about something before walking back to the kitchen. “I’ll make you some coffee, how do you like it?”

The coffee did wonders for Matthew’s mind. He remembered why he was here in this apartment in the first place instead of his own. Now that he’s more awake and there’s more light streaming into the apartment through open curtains, he notices more than he did yesterday - there’s a balcony with a healthy collection of lush green plants, and colorful flowers. Hitam is drinking water in her open cage, Nijntje is still riding around on the Roomba, and Maple appears to be asleep. It’s such a cheerful place, that clearly had a lot of thought put into it that Matthew feels sorry for Daan that he likely doesn’t spend much time in it.

“Your clothes.” Lukas says randomly, taking a seat across him at the table.

“My? Oh heh yeah. I’m amazed they don’t have anything inappropriate written on them. I suppose there was a limit to the gag gifts?” Matthew jokes.

Lukas smiles slightly. “No, because those are Mathias’ clothes. Makes sense I guess. Daan may be tall but he’s lean. Probably figured you wouldn’t be comfortable if he loaned you his clothes.”

Oh…that made sense actually. Speaking of Mathias, “You know it’s not my place to pry but…how are you doing? How is…I mean you seem tired but overall is it…good?” It’s a little awkward once it leaves his mouth, and Matthew doesn’t quite understand why he’s just asked his ex how it’s going with the first ex, but…well Lukas was the one who had brought him here. The two of them didn’t seem to interact much the previous night.

Matthew can see Lukas think of the answer. “It’s better.” He acknowledges. Lukas’ eyes flicker to his and stops.

“I can take it.” Matthew mutters, not quite sure if it’s true but he’s the one who asked, and somehow it’s less frightening than thinking of the fact that he’s in Daan’s home, dreaming of Carlos and his own mistakes. “Or I wouldn’t have asked. I’m…glad. I mean, is it still raw? Yeah, but it was nice to see the three of you last night, reminiscing and getting along. It was warm and…thanks for making sure I was never left out.”

Now Lukas looks surprised. He nods with a small smile and shrugs. “Thanks for coming here. I’m glad that you felt comfortable. I realize I must have put you in an awkward spot bringing you here.”

Matthew runs a thumb on the handle of his cup, and takes a deep breath. He looks at his mug while he does - a plain thing painted with a cheerful orange color - more orange, there’s a clear running theme here. There’s a lot of splashes of orange in this place. “Thanks for acknowledging that.” He eventually lets out. “But I’m the one who called you, so…I’m not entirely blameless. Did you two manage to talk about Arthur at all?” Matthew still doesn’t understand why a simple request to a friend of Arthur’s to check in on the man led to this but who knows? Maybe Lukas didn’t even know why he came here - maybe it was some unknown childhood dynamic thing - have a problem? Where do you go?

Lukas yawns and nods. “Daan will send me a message if he notes or hears that Arthur has been particularly bad, or is looking forward to a stressful time…which actually will be coming up soon. Daan gave me the heads up that has to hand over a large project to him today.” Lukas looks somewhat disappointed but doesn’t say much more. “He’s right though, a lot of what has to be done well…I’m Arthur’s friend. I have to do it, and I’ll start by taking him on a hike this weekend.”

Matthew smiles at that. It’s apt and appropriate. He’s also glad that even though they probably won’t be hiking together in the near future, that Lukas will still be able to give himself a reason to go.

“Speaking of, I’m helping to organize Arthur’s Partner party. I was planning on inviting you, and Belle, and well, Arthur’s friends basically in addition to my department and his current one. Could you do me a favor and think of anyone else who ought to be there while I finish up and get ready for work?”

“Sure.” Lukas shrugs, relieved and happy that they’re back to the topic of a common goal. “It’s basically one other guy, a friend of ours from the MBA. I think I can convince him to come on over. We can discuss the rest on the road.”

Matthew freezes a little standing up. “About that I…uh. Well I guess it’s a compliment that you trust me to drive so…thanks for that. But honestly it never occured to me until last night that being in a car is something that potentially uh, terrifies you so…if you’re ever in my car and uncomfortable you can-”

Lukas lets out a  sardonic laugh. “I’m terrified in very specific circumstances, otherwise it’s fine. But thanks.”

There’s an awkward beat where neither moves and they smile at each other, but it doesn’t last long. Matthew has a meeting to get to.

Before they get into the car though. “You’re sure you’re fine?” Matthew has to ask again.

Lukas just rolls his eyes with a smile. “Ask me anything else. Yes! I’m fine. It’s not like visibility will be terrible in rush hour traffic. At worst, someone may bump into you.”

Matthew laughs and pats his car with reassurance. “Well she may be old but she’s solid. Part of the fun about driving a pick-up in the city is that people generally avoid you. So no bumps.”

Of course, later he realizes that he’s now kind of stuck in a car in rush hour traffic with his ex and even though things were amiable in the morning, it’s a little awkward. He doesn’t know why he ends up asking about Daan, but it was natural to be curious right? He had just woken up in the man’s home. “Was it just me? Or did Daan seem annoyed with me this morning? Did you guys…talk about me last night? If it was an inconvenience having me over, I…”

Lukas snorts, which surprises Matthew, so he shuts up. “Oh God Matthew.” Lukas takes a breath. “Sorry I shouldn’t have laughed. I’m not laughing at you, and I shouldn’t be scoffing at Daan, there’s nothing funny about his situation, I’m just…anyway. Look, Daan isn’t annoyed with you, at all actually. He’s going through a transition right now, so there will be days he’s annoyed with everyone, but mostly himself. There will be days he’s not himself at all. That being said, if he gives you shit, don’t take it. What he’s going through isn’t your fault.”

A wave of worry and concern washes through Matthew for his newest friend, but if Daan has chosen not to share what’s happening with him, well, he’s not going to pry. Something occurs to him and since there’s an oddly open atmosphere between them right now, and he can’t really help but wonder, so he decides to ask.

“Back when I thought they were dating, it’s just hit me right now that you didn’t question me, you accepted it right away as if them together was really believable?” It is rather striking, now that Matthew thinks about it, that Lukas had accepted that scenario. If he had known those two for most his life and thought it was realistic that Daan and Mathias were together, well Matthew couldn’t really be blamed for having the wrong idea either.

Lukas nods slowly with a rueful smile. “Yeah, silly me. Mathias and I only became a thing when I moved back to Canada - after he had already done so much for Emil and my family, but that didn’t mean that I never…liked him before you know? Stupid teenage crushes. But back then I was just a weird neighbour that he knew and was nice to. But he and Daan? They’ve always been very close. Mathias could convince Daan to do all kinds of reckless or stupid things. Anyway, trust me, I know what it’s like when Daan actually is annoyed with someone. He really isn’t annoyed with you. Don’t let him scare you. Besides, you have it in you to be far scarier than he could hope to be.”

Matthew laughs. “Wait, what?! Where did that come from?”  
Lukas grins and shakes his head. “Matthew, green light.”

“Oh, right! Thanks. You know that’s not going to spare you from that. How am I scary?! Especially compared to Daan, that guy has made people cry with just a glance! I would never do that!”

But Lukas only laughs. “Have you seen this crying thing? Or is it a rumour?”

“It’s! Well…it’s…hmmm.”

Lukas just smirks and shakes his head at some internal thought. “How long have you and Daan been friends by the way?”

Matthew feels a worm of nervousness squirm in his stomach and tries to ignore it. “Took me by surprise to be honest, but the day after we…had dinner, I nearly got run over by a car and Daan was the Partner who was around and made sure I went to see a doctor. We’ve been …I guess you could say friends since, but it still feels…I dunno, making friends is different when you’re not in school.” He doesn’t know if he’s grateful or not that he never told Lukas about the stupid crush. Well it would be really stupid to bring it up now. What would be the point? “When he’s not being a Partner he’s not that hard to speak to.”

Lukas nods but Matthew can’t see his expression because he has to focus on driving. “That hasn’t been very long.”

“No. Which is why I felt kind of awkward last night, this morning, and all but…” He shrugs. “Everyone was so nice about it, so…thanks again. I mean it, I’m especially grateful, you made sure I was never too out of place for too long. Sometimes it can be kinda lonely when you’re sitting with a group of people who have known each other forever you know?”

Lukas shakes his head and simply says. “No. Thank you.”

 

* * *

 

It’s the worst meeting he has ever managed in a long time - remotely or in person. Michelle throws him a worried look from her desk and Matthew decides it’s better to hand the meeting over to her instead. She’s technically a manager now, even though she had started this project before that promotion. Anyway, isn’t this the benefit of having more than one manager? If one is having a no-good ‘I’m stupid’ day, there’s a backup? Michelle reads the look on his face and takes over seamlessly. Meanwhile, Matthew mutes his phone and lets out an exasperated sigh. He can’t leave the meeting, but he wishes he could.

Waking up in a different place, Arthur’s problems, his own weird life and weird morning…Daan seemed to be irritated with him, and when Lukas left the car he felt something a little off there too. Or maybe he was just tired, paranoid and anxious, or maybe Matthew just wasn’t good at having his routine messed with.

Michelle handles the meeting with aplomb, there’s not much that he has to do thank goodness, but he’s angry at himself because it’s basic and easy stuff! He spent years of effort into learning how to lead meetings! He had always known it was a potential weakness of his so he’d practice and practice and practice until the freezing nerves mostly became butterfly nerves, but today the freezing nerves had come back. He choked. No matter what sweet words Francis had for him, it appears that there was a good reason why he wasn’t promoted, and Francis could tell. Partners are their magic psychic voodoo when it came to assessing people, shit.

What good was Matthew? No wonder Daan was annoyed with him, no wonder he wasn’t promoted, no wonder Lukas-

“HEY!”

What the?? “Michelle you gave me heart attack!”

Michelle looks down at him in front of his cubicle with a knowing look. “No Matt.” She says softly. “You were doing that to yourself. Come on boss. Early lunch.”

“Wha?”

“Come on! We’ve barely caught up lately and I want to have lunch with you!”

Technically it wasn’t against the rules, if they ate lunch now that just meant packing food and eating it at their desks when they got hungry again since they were eating at an odd hour. Matthew just didn’t want to be irresponsible after this ridiculous two-hour long walkout the last week he was at work before almost getting hit by a car and getting sick. The time away was supposed to have reset everything, this week was supposed to be him returning to normal.

Michelle waves at Francis and points at the door, Matthew doesn’t look because he can’t bear to at that moment, he’s still too raw, and all too happy to let Michelle take the lead. Which she does. She whisks him out the doors into sunlight and fresh air. City people doing their things, even city birds were different from their non-urban cousins. Everyone and everything with a purpose. Except him.

Michelle asks him questions about what he prefers, but thinking is too much effort right now. Maybe he’s just too slow after the enforced holiday. That’s it. Thankfully, Michelle doesn’t point it out, and before long, he’s seated outdoors across from her at a cozy cafe. It’s nice he supposes, but he can’t wave away the guilt building within for making her worry in the first place, or making her take over his work.

“Matt.” Michelle sighs as she slides a cheerful looking rainbow colored cake towards him. “Remember last year when you rescued me?”

What? It must show on his face because Michelle gently reminds him. “Run of the mill, presentation to department heads, I knew all of them, I knew my work, I knew my own findings. Then I just couldn’t explain them. And the more I couldn’t explain, the more I talked, the more I talked, the less sense I made, the less sense I made, the worse it got. Then you stepped in. You have this power Matt, you calm everything and everyone down. You’ve always been able to do that, but it’s just gotten better over the years. Today was just my chance to repay you, at least once. I also remember you telling me afterwards that it happens to all of us.”

Matthew shakes his head and smiles at her kindness. Good ol’ Michelle. “Shell, you had just found out right before you were about to present that your father had been admitted to the hospital. Your family is an 18 hour flight away. We’re only human, of course under such pressure we all need a little help from time to time.”

“Exactly! So…Let me help you! Are you okay to share what happened to you this morning? You came in kinda…out of sorts.”

Matthew can’t help how hot is face is getting, he can only imagine how red he looks right now.

“Oh. My. God! You got laid!”

“What?! No! N-” Matthew whips his head around. Yes it’s not exactly peak hour but there’s still people around damnit! “No, I didn’t get laid!” He whispers urgently, but he doesn’t know if his whisper is actually soft. “How could you-No!”

“Oh Mattie, is that why you’re upset? You didn’t get laid?” Michelle laughs

“NO! What?? Why would I?? No I didn’t-”

“I’m teasing, I’m teasing! Still, that flush is the same flush you used to have over Mr. 7th Floor. I’ve kinda missed seeing it.”

Matthew throws his hands up in the air. Fucking Mr 7th Floor. This is never going away. “Okay I’m not in the mood to put up with the teasing that is the fucking 7th floor. But who I am ready to talk about is Arthur.”

“Arthur?!”

“Yeah.”

And that was how “Project: RESCUE KING LEAR” was born. Why? Because it was Arthur, and as long as they were dealing with him, they were going to use his ridiculous naming conventions.

Perhaps, sensing his raw mood, Michelle decided to stay by his side for the rest of the day. By the end of the day, she also did something else that was magnificent - she took a load off his shoulders.

* * *

From: [michelle.velle@pkde.ca](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=mailto%3Amichelle.velle%40pkde.ca&t=NGU4MjM0ZTFjZjZhNThjZDRiMTYxODY2Njg2ZGJhODY5Mjc5NDkwZCxHWTFPVEpteg%3D%3D&b=t%3A-GgwYpfsmgCXl4mehL0cMA&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnedcanquen.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F175712877612%2Fchapter-9-mr-7th-floor&m=1)

To: <[FRENCH_ASSUR@pkde.ca](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=mailto%3AFRENCH_ASSUR%40pkde.ca&t=MzMxZjM5MDMyMmUzN2RmOWI0YTRjYmZiNThmZDNkMDNmNDkzNDMyNyxHWTFPVEpteg%3D%3D&b=t%3A-GgwYpfsmgCXl4mehL0cMA&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnedcanquen.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F175712877612%2Fchapter-9-mr-7th-floor&m=1)>

Subject: PARTY KING LEAR

Okay everyone here’s the deal - Arthur may have left us for greener and noisier pastures but he still started with us and he’s gotten the big promotion. So…just to be clear, I’M PLANNING THE PARTAY!

There will be kiddies, so no alcohol but that doesn’t mean we’re not gonna remind Arthur that we’re better than any of those 7th floor loudspeakers (we’re hotter too ;) ;) )!

Keep your evenings clear - you’re all getting instructions from me soon.

* * *

 

It’s quiet and dark out when Matthew finishes up for the day. He only found his focus and stride halfway through the afternoon so he decided to stay to get caught up on everything. It was easier after everyone left - as much as he liked them, it was peaceful. He didn’t want to bring work home anymore.

Matthew isn’t the last person out of the building. There are other stragglers on his floor, but his team is tucked in a corner, so Matthew feels comfortable and left alone with himself. He stretches and yawns without care because no one is looking, making sure that he feels and hears the pops and little cracks in his back as he does so.

“Ugh…that feels good.” He’s been too fucking stiff lately. Matthew places his feet up on his desk and stares at the ceiling unseeing for a while. It doesn’t hurt to breathe a little and close his mind off from work before driving home. Of course, it’s at the very point that he feels the most comfortable that his stomach growls. Of course.

Matthew lets out a sigh. He doesn’t feel like cooking, and he’s a little too hungry to wait for takeout. He would prefer to just go home. Looked like it was going to be a vending machine dinner once he actually got the energy to -

“You’re not actually supposed to sleep here you know.”

What? Matthew reluctantly turns his head away from the white ceiling and - oh fuck. “What are you doing -” He knocks some books off his desk as he tries to get his feet off it - shit “here?” Smooth Matt. Real smooth. He sighs and doesn’t bother picking them up, he’ll do that after. Instead he looks up.

Daan looks tired. “You look tired.” Well it’s 9pm and the man is still in the office as well, so of course he is. “Well, it’s-uh…nevermind.”

“Yeah. So do you.”

Matthew really can’t be surprised by the awkward silence that followed. He’s awake enough to be grateful that the second time Daan turns up at his desk is when none of his colleagues are around. That puts a smile on his face.

Somehow, Daan is smiling now too. Objectively speaking, tired Daan smiling is a good look. It’s not like he’s grinning like a fiend or anything, it’s just that with his eyes a little bleary and the corners of his lips have moved up, it’s enough to just soften him a little.

“Anyway, what brings you down here? Well, up here?” Matthew finally lets out.

Daan shrugs. “I saw your status online, still logged into work. Realized you didn’t sleep well this morning, so if you were in, I thought I’d deliver some goods.” He says as he lifts both hands.  

It’s just two plain paper bags but damn, Matthew can smell the goodness from where he is. “How? Where?”

“Ordered delivery. For a couple of months now, I’ve made sure I order extra to make sure that Emil eats dinner too. Well he’s not working late today, so I figure. my mattress sucks or I need to tell my brother to shower more often. You did not look like a guy who slept well this morning.”

That makes Matthew laugh too much, he doesn’t know why. “Oh my God, don’t. The bed smelled fine, the sheets were nice. The mattress was firm, there was nothing wrong with your hospitality. Hell you even fed me, I haven’t been so pampered, ever! Stop being so nice, I’m alive, I’m thriving. But thanks.”

“So you don’t want-”

“Fuck yes, give me the food! …please. I was just about to go home anyway. You  need a ride? Or are you going to cycle back? If not, I drive a pickup, your bike will fit in the back.”

Daan seems to chuckle as he rolls over a chair, picks up Matthew’s books, and settles down. “I shouldn’t cycle back when I’m this tired. Anyway, I’m not done yet, I actually have to get more shit done after this, waiting for input from Japan. I’ll call an Uber home. My bike is safely standing in my allocated parking spot. Everyone knows it’s my bike. No one fucks with it even when I leave it overnight. If they fuck with it-”

“Okay I get it. So your bicycle gets its own parking spot. My pickup is jealous.” Figures - Matthew can just imagine that orange bicycle proudly standing between Porsches and BMWs.

Daan looks up with mock disappointment. “Matthew really. You’re not going to let me boast about what happens to anyone who fucks with my bike?”

“Dude I’m hungry.” He was about to say ‘and I’m tired’ but it wasn’t quite as true now as it was just a few moments ago.

Daan shoves the bag over, shaking his head. “Eat up then. Even the young’uns aren’t here. So it’s just us old fogies.” He says, as he tears open his own paper bag.

“You’re eating at my desk?!”

Daan is trying his hardest not to grin now and barely manages to shrug. “What, did you think I was going to mess up my desk?”

“I can’t believe you.” Matthew rolls his chair over to hit Daan’s in revenge - what good are wheels for if you can’t use them for a little bumper chairs once in a while?

“Hey! Do you want a clean desk or not?!”

Matthew has to turn away because he’s grinning too hard. “You’re cleaning up my desk if it gets messed up-”

“What?”

“I swear, because you’re the one who-”

“That’s a great ‘thank you’ for bringing you food. Holy fuck Matthew Williams, after everyone said you’re the ‘epitome of what a gentleman is.’ I’m surprised.”

He shouldn’t be laughing this hard. “Excuse me you’re giving me Emil’s leftovers! Fine, I’ll go easy on you. But you need to tell me what people say about me in return. And that…was so totally Arthur omg. What else do they say?”

Matthew is pretty sure that Daan is making the rest of it up, but it doesn’t matter. It’s one of the best work dinners he’s had - ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my readers for your incredible patience and support! I'm sorry for the 8 month wait for this next chapter but I hope you like their budding friendship.


End file.
